The
Wicked
Betch
of
the
West

Women are great multi-taskers, so you might be able to have a full conversation with yourself in your head while getting it in but, alas, dudes are not that way.

Planets are piling the fuck up in Capricorn, making most signs itch for status.

It's the weekend before Valentine's Day, so if you don't already have a significant other locked down, you're kind of SOL.

January is the month that never ends, which is cool if you're an Aquarius.

Mars moves into Sagittarius to start the weekend so if you're literally dying to get out of your apartment, that might be why.

Maybe reading the hilarious signs from the Women's March this weekend has you in a particularly jolly mood.

It feels like January is crawling by.

The Sun is sliding into Aquarius to stay for a month.

As if you needed further proof that the times we are living in are trash, one of the worst Bachelors of all time and Betty Draper are dating. Nick Viall and January Jones have been dating for two months, according to Page Six.

This weekend, a fuckton of planets are hanging out in Capricorn: Venus, Mars, Saturn and Pluto.

Are you mentally prepared for week two of 2018?

Ah, so you've survived the first week of 2018.

Is it legal to name a baby “Shiplap”?

If you grew up as a Betch-in-Training, Paris Hilton was one of your idols.

It's a new fucking year, betches!

Another holiday weekend you can't wait to not remember.

Merry Christmas weekend, you ho ho ho!

You probably knew that your favorite movie to watch on E!

Muster up some goddamned holiday cheer, because you've got a lot to do this weekend.

Saturn moves into Capricorn this week.

Read: The 6 Stages Of Santacon We're in the midst of Mercury in retrograde, and Christmas is still two weeks away.

You were probably too obsessed with Wells Adams posting pics with his famous gf, Sarah Hyland, to have missed this gem of info: Kaitlyn and Shawn B.

Well, 2017, I want to say we had a good run, but we all know that's a goddamn lie.

Well, we had a good run, y'all.

Yeah, this week is probably going to suck because, well, the week after a holiday always sucks.

So what if you ate a gallon of mashed potatoes yesterday and sweatpants are all that fits you right now?

Just to put it on your radar...

It's your last weekend to freely rage before, like, next weekend when you're stuck at home with your weird extended family who didn't GTFO after Thanksgiving dinner.

Does it seem like everyone's dirty little secrets are coming to light right now?

Did everything seem, like, pretty ok this week?

Sometime in the new millennium it got really cool to shit on everything popular.

It wasn't so long ago that we were simultaneously bored and grossed out by Nick and Vanessa "falling in love" on The Bachelor.

Guys, just so you know, we're about three weeks away from Mercury going into fucking retrograde again.

Well betches, we made it to another freaking weekend.

Face it motherchuckers, there's nothing like a good Gossip Girl marathon to remind you how great 2008 was.

We're just under a month away from an Album of the Year drop by the Artist Formerly Known as Taylor Swift, or maybe she's still Taylor Swift?

Bachelor Nation's favorite non-Bachelor, Wells Adams, is being linked to Sarah Hyland.

Is it cold in here or is it just your heart?

As far as an era for TV goes, like, right now is probably one of the best ones.

You want me to get lost in a dirty field of corn???

Halloween might be more than a week away, but that doesn't mean things are about to get spooky scary in your horoscope this week.

Do you ever see someone on Instagram or Snapchat just acting a fool, doing the most annoying shit and committing every social media faux pas in the book?

This week, the stars and planets back off their bullshit a bit, so you're mostly in the clear from any major catastrophes.

Well, we survived a full moon last week and Mercury isn't in retrograde or any shit like that this week, so unless you're due for some sort of monster period or something, your week should be pretty smooth sailing no matter what sign you're under.

In honor of October 3, the date Cady Heron asked Aaron Samuels what day it was, we thought we'd check in on the hottest guy at North Shore.

Just in time for all things spooky-scary and Halloween related, that pesky full moon returns on Thursday.

Thanks to the investigative powers of people on the internet i.e.

Did the weekend feel a little bit off to you?

The problem I have with a lot of these Bachelor celebs is that they choose to attempt to find love on what's basically a television game show and then get really whiny when they get played.

Did you know we have a podcast dedicated to The Bachelor?