Well, 2017, I want to say we had a good run, but we all know that’s a goddamn lie. Best thing to do this week is stock up on vodka and ride this mofo out for the rest of December. Mercury is in retrograde and Mars moves into Scorpio to stay for two months. Mars brings energy to whatever part of your chart he hangs out in. That could be not terrible, right?
Aries
Mercury is in the part of your chart that controls travel, especially international travel. So if your holiday plans include a trip to Bora Bora or somewhere equally sexy, exotic, and amazing, plan on losing a diamond earring in the ocean or some shit. So what’s Mars got to do with you? Well, Mars continues to amp up and energize your sex drive. Maybe, like, don’t bang strangers on your travels unless you want to have to name your accident baby Petra or Paris or Belize. Things happen when Mercury is in retrograde! Consider yourself warned.
Taurus
Mercury retrograde causes mix-ups in your money houses. This is probably shit you don’t really have control over, like issues with student loans, your bank being fucking stupid, or your dumb roommates spending all their money on weed and not wanting to pay rent. At least Venus will make you more likely to get some in the next two weeks, so that sort of takes the edge off. Buyer beware, though. Mars makes you more fiery with those you love, so put yourself down for some makeup sex.
Gemini
Mars is energizing your work houses, so you’ll at least be somewhat motivated to put up with your coworkers’ bullshit through the end of the year. Sure, Crystal, I’ll cover for you so you can take care of your nine sick cats or whatever. Anyway, Mercury in retrograde gives you a blast from the past, which could include an un-ghosting from a former fling or bumping into an ex while you’re home for the holidays. Venus (in combination with a lot of fat-free eggnog) softens the blow of old heartache resurfacing.
Cancer
We don’t all make it out of Mercury in retrograde alive. You’re probably already noticing some silly-ass errors happening around you. Well, it doesn’t get better when you go back to work or school on Monday. Mercury retrograde will drive you crazy with mistakes, lost paperwork, and misplaced items. Maybe put someone else in charge of your phone and debit card when you brave the cold and go out this weekend.
Leo
Despite all the shitty feelings Mercury in retrograde can drag up, your week actually looks pretty decent. Leo, you lucky betch. The important planets are all chilling out in the parts of your chart that encourage fun, travel and adventure. You are somewhat more likely to run into an ex-boyfriend or ex-friend in the coming weeks, but that probably has more to do with the chaos of the holidays than it does with Mercury.
Virgo
The full moon in Gemini is making you somewhat of an attention whore. You’re practically begging people to recognize your beauty and success. Just watch out for the number of Snapchat selfies you post this week—no one wants to seem like a huge thirst trap, unless you’re Bella Thorne. Fiery mars will make it more likely that you’ll have a fight with your significant other. Maybe just don’t mention all the randos sliding into your DM’s lately, unless you’re really looking to start shit.
Libra
You’re more likely to get caught zoning the fuck out and making dumb mistakes this week. The Full Moon in Gemini has your head in the clouds to start the week, and Mercury in retrograde makes sure things just don’t go quite right for you. You might get some unsolicited advice from a friend or a fortune cookie. Either way, you might want to take the lesson you get from this unexpected source to heart.
Scorpio
You’re basically in a glass case of emotion during Mercury in retrograde. You might not be starting your period this week, but you’ll definitely be moody AF. Mars moves into your sign this week and hangs out for the next two months. So you’ll have a lot of energy from that, at least. It’s best to funnel all your weird emotional energy into working out. I mean, Thanksgiving was over a week ago and you haven’t been to the gym since, have you? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Sagittarius
The full moon in Gemini is intensifying your feelings for someone close to you. This could be a good thing if you’re in a relationship that’s heating up faster than a sober frat kid on the beer pong table. Or, it could be bad if you have smoldering feelings of animosity for someone you have to be around a lot. Saturn wants you to avoid snap decisions, embrace clarity, and wait until after Mercury in retrograde to do anything fucking drastic.
Capricorn
Mars in your chart is making you bolder than Flaming Hot Cheetos, but the juxtaposition of other planets hiding in your chart will make you want to camp out on your couch and eat your body weight in Flaming Hot Cheetos. It’s all about the balancing act this week. Neptune’s influence can make you scatterbrained, so focus on a few important things and give those 100%. Say no to all the other noise and bullshit in favor of R&R in your sweatpants instead.
Aquarius
Whatever inkling you have about your romantic life will be totally clarified by the end of the week, thanks to the full moon in Gemini. If you feel like things aren’t going as well as they should be, just call it off. You don’t want to spend a ton of cash on some dude for Christmas if he’s not going to be around until Valentine’s day. That’s, like, the basic rules of cuffing season. On the flip side, if things are going really well and the DTR talk comes up naturally, go with it. Just don’t force the conversation with Mercury in retrograde and all.
Pisces
The four planets being at the top of your chart means your high visibility continues into the week ahead. No, this doesn’t mean you really need to lose three pounds. You’re just taking up more space in the minds of others, which can be good and bad. If someone has their eye on you, this will be the week for them to make their move so you notice them too. Mercury in retrograde means you’re more likely to make mistakes, though. Which can be bad if your boss or someone in a position of power is watching you more closely.
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