Here Are Your Weekend Horoscopes For December 1st-3rd

Well, we had a good run, y’all. On Friday, Mercury retrogrades. So yeah, not the best way to start a weekend, but hey, if we can get through the weekend without getting hit with a North Korean missile or another network news anchor outed for being a pervert, we’ll call it even.


It’s best you don’t spend a lot of time around your significant other this weekend. Mercury in retrograde means you’re just going to be pissy the whole time, no matter how horny you are. It’s a good weekend to take a trip with people you don’t live with/fuck on the regular.

Real Housewives


You have a lot on your plate, which makes you pretty stressed out. You’re definitely seeking relief this weekend from all the tension of last week and whatever the fuck you know is coming up next week. Like basically every other weekend, sex and booze are probably the answers.


Your intense half is coming out this weekend. Someone you’ve started something new with might not be ready to see that side of you just yet. Either keep your feelings on the DL or legit just don’t text back if you can sense your not not psycho side coming out.

Not Not Psycho

Shop Betches Not Not Pyscho Tee


There’s some tension on the home front thanks to Mercury in retrograde and fiery Mars battling it out with asteroid Juno in your sign. Spend time out of the house, like, doing stuff, or running errands, or some shit. Just don’t be surprised if you return home to a passive-aggressive note from your roommate about taking your clothes out of the dryer.


A super romantic vibe enters your sign this week and chills out for a while. So yeah, betch, this is your reminder to shave your legs before you go out tonight. While you’re out, watch your dirty whore mouth. A simple joke is more likely to blow up into a whole thing, since other signs are super testy this weekend.

Mean Girls


Deck the motherfucking halls, Virgos. This is a great weekend for you all to decorate or beautify your homes. A seasonal cheerful home will for sure put you in a better mood. Your desire to nest is kicking up in the next four weeks, so hopefully you didn’t make plans.


You’re all about harmony and balance in life. Like duh, you’re a Libra. That’s why this weekend, you’ll feel super protective of someone else. You feel like an outside force (read: stupid bitch) is trying to fuck with one of your besties, and you will definitely not be standing for that shit.

Bachelor In Paradise


Mars and some stupid asteroid are at odds in your sign, making you feel like you’re not being understood this weekend. I mean, it could just be because you’re slurring your words. If that’s not it, maybe realize that you don’t need to justify your fucking actions to anyone.


There’s outfit planning that needs to happen this weekend. Your holiday social calendar is getting pretty full, so think about what additions to your wardrobe need to be made. Watch that budget, though. Mercury in retrograde is a monster that wants you to overspend this weekend.



You might feel like you’ve been kind of sneaky and shady lately, but it’s probably okay, because self-preservation is important. This is not the weekend to have a drunk heart-to-heart or get anything off your chest. Maybe just, like, wait until January when Mercury isn’t in retrograde.


With everyone acting up with Mercury doing you-know-what, be prepared for someone to call you out for something you’re insecure about. You might not be over your ex, you might not have any of your shit figured out, but this is not the weekend to figure your shit out. Any serious self-reflection can wait until Monday, k?

Nicki Minaj


Your commitment to a friend might be put to the test this weekend. Like, she wants you to hold her hair in the bathroom while she pukes, and you just want to get back to the party. Keep things sorta cool by at least pretending to put someone’s needs over your wants.