The
Wicked
Betch
of
the
West

Chris Soules may be the OG Nick Viall when it comes to stealing the title of The Bachelor from someone.

They say karma is a bitch, but this week the bitch is Irma.

After Dean let the entire female population in America down by being a fuckboy and generally picking D-Lo over Kristina, I can never look at him the same way.

Get ready to celebrate, betches!

Two of your least favorite people from The Bachelor franchise fell in love on Bachelor in Paradise and I hate to say it, but they're actually significantly less terrible together than they are apart.

This week is basically the last one you have to get all that shit on your summer bucket list done before it's pumpkin spice season.

Reality Steve can be a life ruiner, he ruins people lives—mostly by publishing spoilers to our favorite reality shows, i.e. The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and Bachelor in Paradise.

The Total Solar Eclipse is basically a New Moon on steroids.

At the end of this season of The Bachelorette, it was kind of looking like Peter Kraus may or may not be the next Bachelor.

Ben Higgins was arguably one of the most lovable Bachelors in recent history.

While the losers from the past four seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette were busy spreading HPV on a beach in Mexico Monday night, most of them are probably back at home in Nashville watching the show air. Bachelor in Paradise is like, a weird reminder that the former cast members of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are super incestuous even when they're not on the show.

Whoever is doing the PR for the solar eclipse needs an award, like, everyone knows about that damn thing.

It's legit been just three months since one of the better Bachelor couples, Lauren Bushnell and Ben Higgins, broke up.

You probably thought the rando you got paired up with freshman year was a psycho.

Mercury is like, "I'm in charge this week, motherfucker!" I mean, I imagine that's what it would say if planets could talk.

One of the last times we really heard about Josh Murray was because he was breaking up with baby-voiced Amanda after meeting and subsequently getting engaged on Bachelor in Paradise.

All Signs So Mercury isn't in retrograde quite yet (It starts August 13 BTW so consider yourself warned), but the time immediately before and after Mercury wrecks your shit can also be a little dicey.

It's no secret that if we were still saying things are our spirit animal (we're not), Chrissy Teigen would be our spirit animal.

Yes, sadly, we're more than halfway through summer.

The illustrious members of Bachelor Nation have spent most of the summer being pretty fricking P.O.'d, thinking our absolute favorite summer series was dunzo.

We're officially half-way through summer and if you haven't taken at least one vacation by now, who even are you?

Welcome back to Westeros, the place where everything is made up but the tears are very, very real.

It's that glorious, glorious time of year we all love/hate and know as "Wedding Season".

Lucky for all signs this week, everything is pretty chill.

I mean, is there a better week of the year for betches than the week that holds the Fourth of July?

Mercury is sliding into Cancer's DMs this week, meaning you're going to be focusing on basic bitch everyday activities.

So, unless you're Patrick Star and you live at the bottom of the sea under a literal rock, you've heard about the Bachelor in Paradise drama by now.

Every lady's favorite gap-toothed Bachelorette front-runner basically always knew he was going to be part of The Bachelor franchise.

It's just about summer and that means your allotment of fucks to give is about to go out the window.

Scandal alert!

It's almost time for the most absudly amazing summer television series to get its metaphorical ass back on air.

If you remember back to the super hilarious (if I do say so myself) breakdown of contestants on this season of The Bachelorette, you'll recall that this year's first one-on-one date-getter, Peter, listed his occupation as "Business Owner".

It's Monday again, and that means one thing: UGH.

Look out world, Corinne Olympios is ready to get some sand in her platinum vagine on Bachelor in Paradise.

Three-day weekends are amazing; heading back to work after said three-day weekend is less amazing.

I kind of miss the days before the internet was totally insane and you could find out all the shitty stuff about everyone you watch on TV.

According to a comment made to Jimmy Kimmel from ABC's newest Bachelorette, which was definitely not super coordinated with and approved by the show's production team, Rachel does, in fact, get engaged by the final episode of this season.

Summer is upon us, meaning that it's time to figure out how exactly you'll be making the next three months the best summer of your life.

Buckle the fuck up, because you're in for a real treat as we get to know the new cast of The Bachelorette.

As you probably know based off how fucking crazy this month has been already, Saturn, aka the hardass of the Solar System, is in retrograde.

If you went to some fancy pants high school not located in Idaho where they actually made you read books, you'll probably be all too familiar with the titles on this list.

The Bachelor's rhinestone cowboy, Chris Soules, has lost a lot of his sparkle in the past month.

So you (barely) survived Cinco de Mayo and the Kentucky Derby and now it's back to the real world.

As we all know, what you order at the bar can say a lot about who you are as a person.  Wine drinkers are classy, vodka soda people are probably counting calories, and if you order a Long Island Iced Tea you're def looking to hide from a troubled past.

Chris Soules fans (do those exist?) can breathe a sigh of relief today, because he might not be quite as big of a dumbass as we previously thought.

Between the weather finally not sucking, all the "It's Gonna Be May" memes, and Cinco de Mayo, there's a lot going on this week.

Part-time farmer and former Bachelor Chris Soules is apparently a full-time idiot.

It's Monday again, meaning you're probably feeling a little bit desperate to make some sort of plan for the rest of your week.

The producers of Southern Charm found the drunkest group of people in the expensive seats at the Kentucky Derby and followed them back to Charleston, South Carolina to make a reality TV show.

Netflix does a few things really well, and one of those things is pumping out some must-see stand-up specials.