Here Are Your Weekly Horoscopes For January 29th-February 4th

January is the month that never ends, which is cool if you’re an Aquarius. The Sun, Mercury, and Venus are still all hanging out in Aquarius, which means all signs are more forward-thinking this week. By “forward-thinking,” I mean trying to make plans for when the month of January is finally fucking over.


Wednesday’s full moon could trigger a dispute with a close friend or coworker. That’s what full moons do; they fuck shit up. Fortunately, whatever tiff you encounter will be super brief. That’s great news because you have other fish to fry. Jupiter is still inspiring you to travel and, hey, it’s never too early to start planning spring break.


The Sun, Mercury, and Venus are all in Aquarius, but they’re also at the top of your chart. That’s super great news if you need some extra sympathy from your boss or professors. Plus, you’ll also be way more believable when you tell your superiors that you were on a really successful client lunch when you were actually pounding margaritas with an old sorority sister who happened to be in town.


You’ve got a lot going on at school or work or whatever shit occupies most of your time. Things are fast-paced as fuck this week. This is one of those times when you lay down at night and realize you haven’t really sat down all day. Like, WTF is that about? Keep in mind that Tuesday and Wednesday are clumsy days for you, as the full moon wreaks havoc on your ability to not spill things. Fun.


Guys, did you know that the government will legit come after you if you don’t pay taxes? Yeah, you actually have to take care of that shit. Basically, financial matters will stress you the fuck out this week. Pay special attention to your finances, especially around Wednesday’s full moon. If worst comes to worst, text dad to ask if his accountant can handle your shit too.


Spoiler alert, Wednesday’s full moon is the only full moon in your sign all year. Lucky Leo might not be so fucking lucky this week. The full moon magnifies emotions and also makes you clumsy AF. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself weeping in your cubical after spilling coffee on your desk. Things get a lot better after Wednesday, so don’t be too discouraged. You’re still a Leo, after all.


You can admit it. As a Virgo, you come off as a little snooty and may or may not be accused of having RBF. It’s not your fault your standards are so high. This week, you might get frustrated with your friends or boyfriend when you feel like they’re not living up to your expectations. Remember that it’s not you being a bitch, it’s Wednesday’s full moon. You’ll find a way to pull the stick out of your butt by the weekend.


Libras are in a romantic mood this week. You’re probably filling your Pinterest with wedding inspo. Don’t let things get too out of hand and slip to your boyfriend that you’ve already picked out wedding colors and made a seating chart. What, like it’s hard? The full moon on Wednesday will have your crazy clawing to get out. Keep the psycho on deep, deep lock.


Unfortunately, the full moon this week really takes its toll for a Scorpio betch. You’ll find yourself more likely to lash out at your roommates for fucking with the thermostat and taking up all the room in the refrigerator again. It’s also a good week to not forget your headphones when you’re in the office. You’ll fucking snap if you have to hear Lisa talk about her upcoming wedding again.


With fiery Mars in your sign, you’ll have a lot of energy. It’s best to find a constructive outlet for your stress, like working out or some shit. Just an idea. Also, as most signs have heightened emotions during Wednesday’s full moon, you’ll experience the opposite. Practice pretending to be empathetic when your roommate cries about how shitty her boyfriend is for the millionth time this year.


Don’t let your emotions fuck up your shit this week. You’ve got a lot on your plate that you need to focus on. If you have a friend or a relationship that’s stirring up drama like a KitchenAid mixer, it might behoove you to just leave that person on read until the weekend. There is no amount of notifications worth you getting distracted from the tasks at hand.


Wednesday’s full moon is the only one all year directly opposite your sign. You might have to be extra patient with others and keep the snide remarks to yourself, as you don’t want to cut down on the number of “happy birthdays” you get on Facebook. Still, the Sun in your sign makes you genuinely happy and energetic, no meds needed.


Some signs are having a real shitty week thanks to Wednesday’s full moon. But not you, Pisces. Thank fucking god, right? Anyway, Mars at the top of your chart will make you ambitious. It’s not a bad time to legitimately put your goals and your needs before those of others. Your efforts to succeed might make others bitter and jealous, but they can go fuck themselves.

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