Here Are Your Weekly Horoscopes For December 11th-17th

Saturn moves into Capricorn this week. Saturn is all about responsibility, self-discipline, conservation—you know, basically all things boring and “adult.” Sorry, Capricorn, life’s about to get real serious for you soon. The other signs don’t all get off that easy, either. Saturn is shaking things up for some other betches too. So there’s that.


Saturn’s move means you’re about to get what’s coming to you. If you’ve been harvesting seeds of spite, animosity, laziness and all things shitty about your personality, things are probably about to get real… fast. If you’ve been all good vibes and drinking lemon water, well, this is the week you’ll start seeing and feeling amazing results.



Venus in your house of intimacy is usually a good thing, unless Neptune shows up to crash the party. Well, that’s exactly what happens this week. You might find that you’re not exactly on the same page as your weekend hookup about where you see this thing going. Be super careful if you want to keep that person as a friend. Otherwise, it’s probably best you cut it off quick and become the ghost of Christmas past.


Saturn is known to define things. If you feel like you need some motherfucking clarity about your life, this is the week to get it. Gotta look inside yourself and figure out if you like the path you’re on. Also, you better have the DTR talk before you spend a bunch of money on a Christmas present for someone who doesn’t give a shit about you.

Who Am I


You might be falling out of love with something you once were super passionate about. Whether it’s an internship, volunteer program, or relationship, don’t take that baggage with you into the new year. Blame your change of heart on a resolution or something. Good thing you have a lot of time to develop a good exit excuse so you can cut the bullshit in 2018.


Venus and Neptune battling it out in your intimacy house has you suspicious AF this week. Even if you aren’t suspicious of a significant other, you might have some pressing questions for a friend who seems to be a little bit shady lately. The easiest way to find something you didn’t care to see is to go looking for it.



As a fellow earth sign, you benefit from Saturn entering Capricorn. Prepared to be weirdly focused and full steam ahead this week. Yeah, it’s best you get all your important shit done this week so you can kick back and relax for basically the entire second half of December. While you’re at it, clean your damn room—Virgos function best with a lot of organization.


This week, you’re more likely to bite your tongue and tell someone what they want to hear instead of dishing up a hot serving of the mf truth. Sure, silence is an option so that you don’t end up flat-out lying to anyone. Better suggestion: just avoid all people you’d ever have to lie to this week, i.e., basically everyone.



If you’ve put off doing your holiday shopping, keep putting it off this week—at least when it comes to special or expensive presents for people important to you. As a Scorpio, you like spoiling others and being spoiled by them in return. But a clash between Venus and Neptune in your money house means a well-intentioned gift you buy this week could fail to achieve your desired goal.


With Venus in your sign, you’re more preoccupied with your looks and style this week. The snow has you feeling some type of way about coats, hats, scarves and all the fun winter accessories. Neptune might make you too bold, so pay attention to your friends when they politely let you know that your avant garde winter look is too over-the-top.

You're Tacky And I Hate You


Have you been keeping something about your personal life on the DL lately? Venus and Neptune at odds in your house of secrets means it’ll be extra hard to not be outed accidentally on purpose this week. If you truly have something to hide, watch what you say and who’s around when you say it. Eavesdroppers are a fucking nuisance this week.


There’s a weird dynamic in your friend group when it comes to money. Some of your girls might be living pretty lavishly, while others are scraping it together for half-priced apps at happy hour. It’s not your job or anything, but it would probably be super nice of you to arrange something low-key for the weekend so the povos in your group can attend without feeling stressed about their bank accounts. You’re, like, such a good friend.

I'm Such A Good Friend


You’re around more people you feel like you really need to impress in the next few weeks. Instead of shying away from or diverting attention, work on soaking it in. Venus is at odds with Neptune, which might have you questioning yourself, but your bankable talents will really come out to impress the crowd when you need them most. Um, no, your blow job skills don’t count as a talent. Sorry, Pisces.

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