Here Are Your Weekly Horoscopes For September 25th-October 1st

Did the weekend feel a little bit off to you? Was it because instead of your Twitter feed blowing up with stupid football tweets it was like, a weekend of political football tweets instead? We are legit living in the weirdest times. IDK things just seem a bit off. Anyway, at least your personal life should get back on course this week. The Sun is in Libra for the next four weeks so harmony will be restored to your relationships and surroundings.


Even though the Aries betch is the first sign in the Zodiac and basically sees herself as the priority in every situation, the next week is a good time to work on getting along with others. Even if it means consulting your best friend or your mom before you make a major decision, having some feedback and taking advice this week will really save your ass down the road. Likewise, you need to store up some good karma as someone will lean on you for advice and you should actually try to help or some shit.

Tom Haverford


Normally people give you shit for your stubborn Taurus tendencies, but, this week, that won’t-give-up attitude will serve you and others. The Sun will make you raise your standards over something you’ve been letting slide, but if you post that “Keep your heels, head, and standards high” quote on any of your socials I swear to God I’ll unfollow you faster than Kylie Jenner got pregnant after starting to date Travis Scott. Mercury, Venus, and Mars are encouraging you to play so you’ll most likely be equally committed your ambitions as you are to your relaxation.


Most of the other signs are trying to prep for cooler weather—you know, hoarding all the pumpkin spice they can right now before it’s replaced with the lesser of the seasonal flavors, peppermint. Not you, though, you’re still interested in sowing those wild summertime oats. You might be driving the party bus with no passengers, though. Don’t get too mad at your friends when they’re already being wintertime boring. Remind them that they need to enjoy that time of year where they still don’t have to debate taking a coat to the bar. These are precious days, ya know?



Your friends might be pressuring you to get out and enjoy the fall festivities around you. Isn’t it like, Oktoberfest or some shit? Anyway, as a typical Cancer, you’re constantly fighting the urge to be a homebody. Needless to say, your favorite plans are always of the cancelled variety. This week, though, not being a total flake will totally pay off for you. Is it really that hard to change out of your yoga pants one night this week and try to be social? C’mon now.


You probably already feel like you’re running on empty after a weekend of insane activity. Could you really use a nap right now? Well that’s too fucking bad! Things are going to be super, crazy busy for you. It’s not just the fun stuff that will preoccupy your time, either. Be prepared for lots going on at work or school, some unexpected travel opportunities and way too many Facebook event invites. It’s not your fault you’re so popular.



You feel like you have a lot to say and are basically ready to tell anyone who will listen. Mercury, Venus, and Mars are in your sign this week. You know, the big three. Mars makes your opinions strong, but Venus softens how others view you. This means you’ll be successful in your powers of persuasion and you’ll basically get your way all the time. I mean, what’s new right?


The Sun is in your sign, you lucky betch. That means it’s time to shine. The Sun attracts others to you and puts everything you do in a favorable light. If you’ve had a big favor you need to ask or a hard discussion you need to have with someone, this is the month to bring it all up. You’ll be more likely to get your way and people’s feelings are less likely to get hurt when you deliver a tough pill to swallow. The only downside this week is that with all the attention you’re getting, you might seem a little intimidating. Don’t forget the little people on your way to the top.

Schitt's Creek


You’re not as two-faced as a Gemini betch, but you will feel like you have a split personality this week thanks to what’s going on in the cosmos. The Sun is hiding in your chart, making you want to hide, too—metaphorically of course. You’re in prep mode for your birthday festivities next month, so most of what’s going on in your life is happening behind the scenes.  On the other side of things, Mercury, Venus, and Mars want you to be the social butterfly you normally are. Being such a complicated and dynamic person can be such a struggle. Ugh.


The next few weeks are a really popular time for you. What’s new, right? If you’re forced to join a club or a charity or something, you know, for resume-padding purposes, this is the time to do it. People are gunning to be your friend and most signs are feeling pretty chatty and generous. It’s a good time to throw yourself in a usually uncomfortable situation because you’ll make friends so quickly it won’t be so fucking uncomfortable for long.



It’s a lot of smoke in mirrors for you this week. You might be really struggling and needing that extra dose of caffeine/Adderall. Basically you can feel like shit, but outside you need to seem like you have it all together. This is not one of those weeks where you wear sweats to feel better. You need to put actual effort in to take your mind off how tired you are underneath it all. A lot of people are watching how you’re handling yourself, so do it with some style.


The next four weeks are all about adventure for you. You’ll have an opportunity to travel and learn something new. Maybe you’ll even try something or someone (wink wink) a little more exotic on one of your adventures. You’re in a mood that seeks the more romantic things in life. This week you definitely won’t be content with the day-to-day.



You’re more likely to fight with that friend you never fight with this week. Your mission this week, shall you choose to accept it, is to come to peace with the fact that sometimes, in order to maintain your sanity, you need to learn to agree to disagree. Accept the shit you cannot change about people. Mars is making you easily irritated and annoyed, but romantic Venus will help you be sweet to those who really care. Keep that cuddle buddy on retainer.