Here Are Your Weekend Horoscopes For December 15th-17th

Muster up some goddamned holiday cheer, because you’ve got a lot to do this weekend. Don’t expect things to go perfectly; Mercury is still in retrograde, after all. Eat, drink, and be merry because your diet starts January 1st.


You’re trying your damnedest not to be a basic bitch this holiday season. But like, do you even understand how hard it is to be original at an ugly sweater party? Really fucking hard. The Sun angles rebellious Uranus in your sign this weekend, meaning you’ll be looking for ways to stand out from the crowd.



Chatty Mercury and Venus in your intimacy zone this weekend means you’re more likely to annoy your boyfriend with a million texts and phone calls. Sorry not sorry, Ryan. The cool thing about the Taurus betch, though, is that you can be needy and those who love you find it endearing, even if it makes the rest of us want to puke.


The duality of your sign is that you can crave companionship and independence at the same time. This weekend, you’ll be stoked to participate in the group activity, but you’ll find yourself looking for ways to break away from the pack. The eggnog chugging competition at your acquaintance’s weird party is a good sign it’s time to sneak out the back door.

Cheryl Riverdale


Though you’d ideally like to just chill the fuck out this weekend and not do anything, there are a few loose ends you need to tie up before really checking out for Christmas. With the Sun and innovative Uranus energizing your work zones, you’ll think of the most efficient ways to get your shit done, so you can start drinking sooner.


Even though your plans are pretty low-key for the weekend, Mercury in retrograde has other ideas. Expect the unexpected. But that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Don’t turn your nose up at the last-minute invite. Sure, you would like to have proper outfit-planning notice, but honestly, whatever you throw on will probably be fine.

New Girl


Problems arise this weekend when your significant other or roommate fail to abide by your rules, i.e. the best way to live. It sucks, but the honest truth is, honey, you’re probably being a little too rigid with your standards. Take a fucking metaphorical (or literal) yoga class and learn to bend a little bit.


After a somewhat hellish, busy week, you’d prefer a super relaxing weekend. Alas, that’s not what you get, betch. Things are likely to be a bit hectic with a few surprises thrown in. Of course, Mercury in retrograde likes to shake shit up. If you’re still stressed out, start celebrating Jesus’ birthday early this weekend with a lot of his favorite beverage. (It’s wine.)

Son of Zorn


You’re not really up for reindeer games this weekend, but you should force yourself into the cold. Clever Mercury and affectionate Venus in your house of money say that it is okay to mix business with pleasure. So, yeah, you might hook up with Trevor from the finance department.


Usually, I say go with what you know. But it might be time to hit up Pinterest or YouTube for some new ideas on what to do with your holiday makeup this year. Informative Mercury merging with Venus in your sign makes you want to track down tips that can improve your appearance. Pro Tip: Say no to glitter. And metallics for New Year’s? Groundbreaking.

Schitt's Creek


Mercury teaming with Venus in your subconscious realm reveals what you secretly want out of your relationships. Woah, that shit can get super heavy. Don’t think too much about it over the weekend. Signs of what you need to do about how you feel will magically come to you… probably while you’re dozing off after too much spiked apple cider.


Expressive Mercury and affectionate Venus syncing in your social sector mean you might be having a good cry with one of your besties this weekend. Sure, the holiday season always makes you a little reflective and emotional. Keep a friendly and open vibe so that your friends feel like they can open up to you too. No one should have to blubber like an idiot alone.

Tina Fey


Your passion for a cause is super obvious to others, so don’t spend the weekend flaunting your knowledge/arguing about the tax bill or net neutrality or dead polar bears or whatever else is on your mind. A chill and casual attitude this weekend will make you more fun to be around. You can get back on the war path on Monday. 

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