Summer Is Finally F*cking Here: Weekend Horoscopes May 4-6

Planets are piling the fuck up in Capricorn, making most signs itch for status. Gaining status in the form of Instagram likes, Hinge matches, Venmo payments from strangers etc. will be priority numero uno this weekend. Thanks god the weather is better, right? Time to freshen up that Instagram feed and watch the DMs roll in. Here’s your weekend horoscope May 4 through 6.


Going after what you want for yourself this weekend means your personal relationships could suffer. Explain to your boyfriend that if he put some effort into taking pictures for you from the start, he wouldn’t have to retake them so many times in an attempt to get it right. Ugh, it’s like he was lying when he put “photography” as an interest in his dating app profile.


The alignment of the planets is calling you to take a weekend trip to Bali, explore Thailand with a new European lover you met in first class, or visit the exact spot where Kim lost her earring in Bora Bora. If you’re legit too poor to do any of that, just try getting out of your area code for a bit this weekend. Your heart, mind, and soul could use a vacay.
Kim Kardashian Earring


Your passion is in the right place, but your energy is running low this weekend. Don’t be surprised if your intentions to meet up with friends later actually end up with you chilling in your college sweatpants while leaving the group chat on read when everyone decides on a location and time to meet up. In the morning you can always hit them with a: OMG SO SORRY! I totally fell asleep. lol.


This is not the time to be alone. You’ll shine your brightest surrounded by others. It’s best if you actually come out of that Cancer shell of yours and live a little this weekend. And, no, trying a new flavor of Halo Top does not count as living a little. Make an extra effort to reconnect with friends and be social AF.
Not here to make friends


With planets stacking up in your house of ambition in Capricorn, there’s really no stopping you. You’ll be productive in all aspects of life. That being said, you have no time to waste. If anyone brings their bullshit your way, they’re SOL. Ain’t nobody got time for that.


You’re totally overthinking things this weekend. Sure, you can be a planner, but sometimes you need to stop plotting and scheming in order to let things fall into place. Instead of manipulating your friends into picking your favorite bar for Saturday night drinks, let someone else take the reigns and just see where the night takes you.
Rachel Green


A pileup of planets in your domestic realm means it might be hard for you to relax and totally chill out at home this weekend. Whether a broken AC is making your apartment unbearable or your roommate’s boyfriend has decided to, once again, drink all your orange juice, it might be best for your sanity to spend as little time at home as possible.


You have a lot to say this weekend, but you might find it hard picking the right person to say it to. Your caution will be rewarded, so just keep your fucking mouth shut until you’re sure your confidant won’t sing like a canary. If all else fails, call your mom. She’s like, legally required to act like she cares and be on your side about everything.
Trust Nobody


It’s hard for you to relax this weekend. An important matter needs to be settled, and you won’t be able to calm the fuck down until it’s put to rest. You don’t have to be a genius to know that taking care of your shit early on this weekend will free up your time and energy to focus on more important things and people (and alcohol).


So many planets are gathering in your sign, and they mean business. Your competitive nature is really on display. Whether it’s a friendly game of Cornhole or shuffle board, you’re out to win. Decide if that competitive side of you makes you seems quirky and cute or if you just end up looking like a psycho while everyone else is just here to get drunk.


Your subconscious is trying to tell you something this weekend. Instead of ignoring your dream about forgetting a class schedule or locker combination, think about what that dream could be telling you. Is it telling you that you were a real slacker in undergrad? Probably not, but it could be a sign you’re confused about something at work now.


As a peacemaker, you’ll be called upon this weekend to end a spat between friends or family members. When it comes time to talk shit about Jessica flaking on girls night to hang out with some guy she just met, you’ll be the one to remind your friends they legit have all done basically the same thing at some point. It’s not easy keeping the peace; it’ll be annoying but you have to do it. Sorry.
Rainbows and Smiles
Images: Giphy (6)