The
Wicked
Betch
of
the
West

Well, another week closer to summer, meaning there is some very intense decision making in your future.

In honor of the TBT, we need to take it back to the Godfather of MTV reality dramas.

We may be teetering on the edge of a third World War, but let's focus on what's important: using the placement of the stars (I think?) to tell you how you should spend your money and interact with the people you encounter in your everyday life.

Bachelor Nation's fuzzy-headed Peter Pan aka Nick Viall hasn't really been kicking ass on this season's Dancing With The Stars, to say the least.

In honor of the glory that was Big Little Lies, we need to just take a moment to appreciate the queen that is Reese Witherspoon.

April Fool's Day has come and gone, which means that it's officially no longer okay for your whole life to be a joke.

Why are badass women so often attracted to such shitty dudes?

We all know that your birthday is, like, a total national holiday.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say the last 7 seasons of The Bachelor/Bachelorette are all tied for the most dramatic season ever.

Sorry povos, if you don't have, like, a supreme cable package, you won't be able to get your Bachelor franchise fix between seasons.

It is officially the first week of spring, which means it is officially time for you to start getting your shit together.

If you thought your boyfriend got too obsessed with shit like fantasy football, March Madness, and falling asleep while watching golf on Sunday, you might not want to give him this new fitness tracker that will have him even more obsessed with the intricate functionings of his own penis.

Ahh horoscopes!

It goes without saying that Corinne Olympios was the sleeper hit of this season of The Bachelor.

Another week, another set of predictions based on your birthday and the movement of the planets and stars.

In a stream of glitter-laced tears, Corinne said goodbye to human Donald Duck, Nick Viall on this week's episode of The Bachelor.

The Oscars may have ended with a surprise twist that nobody could have seen coming, but what about your week ahead?

And the award for the most drawn-out, mother-effing awards presentation of the year goes to...The Oscars!

After last night's big reveal that Andi has a message for Nick before he whittles his four unsuspecting victims—I mean, potential wives—down to three, I'll be honest, I was pretty much expecting that to be the end of blasts from Bachelor past making the news this week.

Aries It's kind of surprising, but you're going to have like way more enthusiasm towards life this week.

Yes, we've all noticed that this season of The Bachelor feels off for some reason (*cough* Nick).

After finding out that three of this season's Bachelor contestants have been trying to become celebrities for a while and that *spoiler alert* Rachel, who is still on the show, doesn't win and becomes the next Bachelorette, it feels like nothing is sacred about our favorite show anymore.

Even though pretty much everyone dubbed 2016 as "The Worst Year Ever", we need to be real with ourselves for a second and admit 2017 hasn't exactly gone as planned either.

Corinne from The Bachelor is many things: multimillion-dollar business owner, bouncy house straddler, and most importantly, Queen of Naps.

Aries You're taking a page out of the Leo betch's playbook this week and really showing your strong and aggressive side.

We all thought it was pretty silly that Corinne had a minor role in some rap guys' music video.

Aries It's about damn time you had an overwhelmingly positive horoscope.

Aries Pretend to work super hard at the beginning of the week and keep yourself out of trouble.

The makers of The Bachelor must have decided that things were going way too smoothly and that they needed a lawsuit to shake things up.

It's becoming pretty apparent that this season of The Bachelor feels kind of different from past seasons.

The world lost a total TV legend on Wednesday.

One of the worst (OK, maybe one of the best) things about the Bachelor franchise is that most of the pseudo-celebs from the show keep circling the drain of the cultural zeitgeist.

On this week's episode of Nick Viall dry humping sluts in different locations, one of said sluts revealed her nanny makes dope cheese pasta.

A day after the beginning of the end, i.e.

Ah yes, winter has returned, or as we like to call it: TV season.

You fell in love with him as Tristan in Gilmore Girls.