The Oscars may have ended with a surprise twist that nobody could have seen coming, but what about your week ahead? Will it be full of shock, disappointment, and celebrations of diversity? Well, probably not that last thing, but as to the first two, read your betchy weekly horoscope to find out.
Aries
Your significant other or close friends might seem like the population of Clingsville this week. You’re just feeling, like, a bit suffocated and like you need to spread your wings. Jupiter is directly opposite your sign rn so I definitely think it’s time to push back, gain some freedom, and just tell whomever it is that you need a little bit of space. I mean, exercise your fundamental American right to not text back and just do your own thing. Doing whatever the fuck you want and not being influenced by others is basically the key to your happiness this week.
Taurus
You’re all about making subtle changes to your life. Sure, maybe this week is the right time to schedule that appointment to get those really on-trend babylights or like a super soft ombre. Your best and most casual change might not even be hair-related. Who could have guessed? Anyway, any small change up this week will totally work out in your favor so you definitely need to take that leap.
Gemini
Both the Sun and Mercury are at the top of your chart. What’s that about? Well, I’ll tell you. It means you’re super high visibility. Basically, all eyes are on you. When you talk, the plebs will listen. When you make a super funny tweet, you’re more likely to be retweeted and liked. If some bitch wants to step to you and compete for attention, oh, please. There’s really no comparison this week, iight?
Cancer
Proceed with caution, Cancer betch. Things are about to get a little tricky ahead. Part of you wants to settle down and settle in to a comfortable pattern; the other part of you wants to chuck the deuce up and do your own thing on your own time. But don’t go full-on Chris Brown feat. Tyga mode yet—now’s the time to awaken your inner Leslie Knope and make a pros and cons list. Take this week to just weigh the options that are staring you in the face. Don’t make any hasty decisions right now. A better, more opportune, time for that will come in the near future.
Leo
You’ve been feeling not quite like yourself since like November/December. Right? I mean, it’s not like you’re doing shit like announcing the wrong Best Picture winner on TV or anything. You just could be more on top of your game than you are at the moment. It’s probably time to find the source of that funk and truly squash it. If the shitty weather is making you gloomy, take that vacation—we’ll allow it. If you feel less than happy about how your body looks, hire that hot AF trainer. If you don’t get back on track this week you might be mediocre for the rest of forever, and no one wants to be Katherine Heigl for all of eternity.
Read: The Oscars F*ck-Up No One’s Talking About
Virgo
You, like our new favorite Bachelor loser, Corinne, need more sleep in your life this week. The best way to deal with whatever stress you have will probably be to nap it away—because the Sun is moving opposite your chart so it’s a legit coping mechanism for you. The other thing you should do this week is take care of your to-do list before it piles up to overwhelming proportions. Yes, it is possible to be productive and take naps in the same week. You might just have to cut down on how many reruns of Sex and the City you watch per day.
Libra
Your friends and coworkers might be wondering if you’ve been enjoying a daily bowl of Bitch Flakes for breakfast this week. You’re super short-tempered and more likely to snap at people. Something deep down is probably the source of this inner angst. If you’re finding yourself super annoyed with a friend all the time, maybe it’s time you bow out of the friendship. If you can’t deal with a coworker any longer, update that LinkedIn. By the end of the week you should be making moves to actually make you happier in life.
Scorpio
Your social calendar is kind of exhausting you. Your mom probably has been suggesting that you stay in on weeknights or that you don’t go out all weekend. Um, thanks for the advice and all, mom, but being tired isn’t the worst thing you could be right now. Actually, being boring is worse. Being social and putting yourself out there this week will only benefit you in the long run—really. Besides, you can sleep when you’re dead.
Sagittarius
If the Oscars and The Super Bowl prove anything, it’s that 2017 is the year of the comeback. This theme also applies to your year. Whatever you seem to be lacking in life right now (love or sex or money or fun) will be what you get the most of in the year ahead, and this is a good week to start making changes to get what you want in life. If you feel super poor, maybe it’s time to make a budget. I mean, gross, but sometimes necessary if you have no self control, you heathen. Take a small step toward making your own comeback this week to set you up for your best year yet.
Capricorn
Usually you’re totally comfortable with burning the candle at both ends. Unfortunately, this week your busy schedule is going to catch up to you, and things are going to end up slipping through the cracks. Yikes. Stay calm when you forget you had a dentist appointment or lunch plans. Since you’re normally not such a scatterbrained hot mess, whomever you scorn with your forgetfulness will be more likely to be forgiving.
Aquarius
Someone flashing some cash is going to catch your eye this week—it might be a guy who is willing to drop some major money to impress you or a potential boss who is dangling a big salary right in front of your face. Like, it’s probably normal to be a little persuaded by money. This week, though, you need to take a step back and evaluate if money is the most important thing in this situation. Does the promise of a comfortable life mean you have to spend your time with an ugly dude? Does a job with a big paycheck mean you’ll have to live in a shitty town? These are important questions you should totes ponder before making a big decision. As the great philosopher Biggie Michael Scott once said, “Mo’ money, mo’ problems.”
Pisces
You’re riding that birthday wave so hard this week. You’ve been getting more attention lately and that probably feels super nice. Not that Pisces betches thrive off of a lot of attention, but, hey, it never hurts. It’s time to use the attention others are giving you to advance your state in life. Seek out that promotion at work or give the hot guy at the gym your number. Your increased visibility is going to make you way more desirable to others and if you’ve got it, flaunt it.
