Blame Mercury Being In Retrograde For F*cking Up Your Life: Your Weekly Horoscopes

We all know that your birthday is, like, a total national holiday. But it also determines your fate if you buy into all of this astrology stuff (which you should). So you better check your weekly horoscope, because being unprepared for this week won’t look cute on you.

We get it, Mercury is literally in retrograde and so is your life and you probs think this week is going to be a total nightmare. So like, maybe you’re right. Or maybe you’ll be the betch who gets by without breaking a nail. You could also be that betch who spills coffee on her new pumps and forgets her umbrella before a huge downpour. Whatever your fate may be, it’s Monday, and I’m telling you this week is gonna be a long one. But who knows, maybe that Bumble match you forgot about from last Thursday will look better after he shaves? Better check to be safe so you don’t prematurely cancel that date.


It’s your best year in over a decade so you better be celebrating your birthday so hard. You’re basically setting the tone for how you want the rest of your year to go. The best advice right now: if someone isn’t totally team you, you need to drop them from the squad. Your motto should be “no fake friends” because you don’t need that negativity in your life as you start to experience your best year yet. Sure, Mercury is in retrograde, but you can handle it.

Fuck A Fake Friend


Fucking nothing seems to be going your way right now. I mean, Mercury is in retrograde so you can blame all your bad vibes on that shit. Still, you might be getting a little discouraged thinking 2017 is going to be as bad as 2016. Calm your shit. As you make it closer to your birthday, the Sun will enter your sign and things will seem a whole lot brighter. Just hold on a little bit longer, K?


Your relationships (romantic and friendly) seem to be totally fucked at this point. Mercury is in retrograde (lest I say it again) so be ready for a few stupid arguments and fights. You’ll probably do that thing where you become really self aware mid-argument with someone and think “why am I like this?”. It’s okay. All relationships go through rough patches. This doesn’t mean things are going to end. Besides, if your friends/boyfriend can’t deal with you being a little bipolar then they don’t know you very well, do they?


Do you find yourself doing a lot more yoga and drinking green shit? That makes sense right now because you’re really in a pattern of trying to better yourself from the inside out. (Like you could build on perfection, am I right?) Anyway, you’re all about the repair right now. It’s a good time for you to repair fractured relationships and/or do a deep condition to your hair because we know those split ends could use some love. Also, if that creep keeps hitting you up for a date on Snapchat you can just be like, “I’m just tryna work on myself right now,” and it won’t even be a lie.


You might be a little bit dramatic from time to time, making it hard for your friends and family to tell when you’re really passionate about something or just acting up. That’s fine. Not everyone needs to be as excited about your favorite things as you are. Take a quieter approach to focusing on what is important to you this week, as in, maybe don’t post all your workouts on socials if you’re into fitness. (P.S. only proven psychopaths do that.) Just do you and those who really care about you will notice and appreciate your passion.


This particular Mercury in retrograde really fucks up your travel plans. Your uber might be late as hell or your train just cannot get its shit together and show up on time. Whatever. On the bright side this week, your efforts to make/save more money this year are starting to show. You’re probs mentally planning on how to spend the extra cash. Keep mulling that decision over; this isn’t the best week to decide where you want to throw that $$$ around.


Because of the placement of Jupiter right now, you’re really focused on the physical aspects of your life. With swimsuit season right around the corner, you might be feeling like a shitty feminist because you don’t fully accept your body in its current form. Even if sweatpants are all that fits you right now, you can still prioritize physical health to help you get your mental health/really high opinion of yourself back on track.

This T-shirt is basically your get-out-of-jail free card for the entire time Mercury is in retrograde. Buy it here!

My Life Is In Retrograde


Unfortunately, Mercury in retrograde hits you where it sucks the most: at work. Missed appointments, late arrivals and all out mix-ups are in store until this shit storm passes. The good thing though is that nothing crappy that happens this week will have a big effect on the big picture. Like, you won’t get fired for spilling coffee on your keyboard, but you might get made fun of by your work wife. You can handle this week and, if not, just call in sick. Boo, you whore.


Are you the Olympic torch? Because old flames are not leaving your life any time soon. Mercury in retrograde might be playing with your head when it comes to letting exes slide back into your DMs. Because you should be saying “boy, bye” instead of “yeah, sure come over.” You might want to surround yourself with your best friends who will literally rip the phone out of your hands if you even think about responding to that shit.


Your ambitious side is really coming out to play right now. You have just the right amount of energy to get your shit done and also make time for yourself to have a little but of fun. Your confidence is also pretty decent right now for Mercury being in retrograde and all. Speaking of which, that Mercury thing really won’t fuck up your life too bad this time. Just expect the unexpected in the week ahead.


You’re really thinking about the “big picture” this week. Yet, you’re probably kind of second-guessing yourself and your ability. Blame that plunge in confidence on—you guessed it—Mercury in retrograde. Take a page out of Mindy Kaling’s book, literally, and ask yourself “why not me?” I mean, someone has to land that job or that guy or that scholarship. You probs don’t know what you can achieve if you don’t at least try, right?


You have some opportunities opening up this week but the fact that you’re strapped for cash will leave you saying “fuhhh”. Weirdly, Mercury in retrograde kind of helps you out because it resurrects the past. An old hookup might invite you to that concert you actually really wanted to go to but couldn’t afford. Likewise, don’t be afraid to call on old friends who have the free hookups to events; they probably won’t mind you using them a little bit if they have someone to hang out with. If all else fails, you have a dad for a reason. Money please!

Money Please

What kind of fuckboy should you date based on your horoscope? Find out here!