Your Betchy Weekly Horoscopes January 30th-February 5th


Internally Outraged

Pretend to work super hard at the beginning of the week and keep yourself out of trouble. That includes a moratorium on the back-talking for a few days. It’s shitty I know, but parents, bosses, and other people who generally have power over your lifestyle are more apt to surprise you on Monday and Tuesday. Just hope it’s a good surprise like a raise or a gift and not getting fired or something shitty.



The bad news is that at the beginning of the week, your perfectly planned schedule will get fucked up somehow. Just prepare for the unexpected, like staying late at work or having a surprise appointment come up. By Friday, though, Venus enters a hidden part of your chart meaning your romantic life takes on a secretive tone. I mean, generally having some romantic prospects shortly before Valentine’s Day is good news, just try not to be so sketchy about it.



It’s adulting season, and by that I mean tax season. “Oh shit” is right. Keep an eye on your spending and bank account at the beginning of the week. Also, remember to check with your dad and make sure the family accountant is still taking care of your tax stuff. By the end of the week, Venus changes signs so be ready for more and more social engagements as we (thankfully) make our way towards spring.



Other people are so willing to argue lately. It’s basically like the whole world—besides you, of course—has gone bat shit crazy wanting to cause contention. Like, just make sure you stay chill and don’t give in to arguing with coworkers, friends, or classmates this week. You’ll never win the argument and you don’t want to make a crazy girl Facebook post you’ll later come to regret. This is a good week to refresh your iTunes and discover your earbuds. The best course of action is legit zoning the world out in the week ahead.


Not Working

The world seems legit broken right now and you’l feel like it’s rubbing off directly on you. Fuck. Be prepared for a week of shitty equipment fails: dying iPhone batteries, jammed printer, car troubles etc. The good news is that these blunders totally start clearing up by the end of the week and the week will end on a much better note than it started on. I mean, pretending like your life will get better is basically the only way you won’t totally give up on things before the week’s out. Also, just remember: wine exists.



So like most of the signs this week, you’re probably going to see your fair share of hiccups at the beginning of the week. That totally sucks and we feel you. But February-April actually won’t turn out too badly for the Virgo betch. The next two months are super lucky for you in the money department. You’re more likely to benefit from the wealth of others (Thanks, dad). You could also see some major earnings of your own in the form of a bonus or raise at work.



As if your Aunt’s crazy Facebook posts couldn’t get more obnoxious, just prepare yourself for some family drama this week. Resist the urge to punch your cousin for his derogatory comments toward something you believe in. It’s really not worth it. In the words of Forrest Gump, “Stupid is as stupid does.” Anyway, by the end of the week Venus moves and your relationships with people who actually matter will improve. This is especially good news because Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching and this could be a really great year for you…finally.



If you feel weirdly accident prone this week, it’s because that’s just what the stars have in store for you. Maybe don’t wear white. You know, because coffee spills. Anyway, everything related to your job and health is going to go smoothly in the next two months. Thank goodness because that late-season flu is going around and you probably don’t want to gross out your boyfriend by becoming a total snot monster before V-day.



You’re feeling more impulsive this week. If you don’t have cash to spend, stay away from store windows where you’re more prone to go shopping. Like most of the signs, things are dicey at the start of the week and then seem more optimistic as we near Friday. TBH, though, what week doesn’t get better closer to Friday? The next two months bring more opportunities for amazing social events and vacation. Better start thinking about thinking about getting your bod spring break-ready.


One on One Tee

(P.S. buy this shirt here.)

You know those times where a tiny little argument blows up into something huge and major and potentially relationship ruining? Yeah, you’re totally at risk for that happening at the beginning of the week, so try to not start little shit. Usually, that’s just a fun way to get a rise out of people, but this week, it’ll escalate so just don’t do it. Promise? Also, with your birthday just behind you, think of other ways to get people in a better mood. Maybe it’s your turn to host wine and Bachelor night or something. Events held in your home in the next two months are more likely to be a success, btw.


Keep Ya Head Up

You’re kind of going stir crazy, especially at the beginning of the week. It’s like the fucking doom and gloom of winter and the current state of politics have combined to make this the shittiest moment in your personal recent history. Chin up, Aquarius betch. By the end of the week, and for the next two months, you’ll feel a lot more love in your daily life. Some of it will be romantic, some of it will just be more friendly, but it legit can’t make you feel any worse than you do right now.


It's My Birthday

With your birthday quickly approaching, it’s super important to remember your patience this week. You don’t want to snap at someone, leave a bad impression, and dramatically cut down on your Facebook “Happy Birthday” posts. Just stay mostly chill and don’t call anyone an asshole… to their face. Your mood will dramatically improve come time for your actual birthday. Prepare for good fortune and lots of opportunities to romance in the coming two months. Things won’t literally and metaphorically be this gray forever.