Who To Cut Out Of Your Life: Weekly Horoscopes April 3rd-9th

April Fool’s Day has come and gone, which means that it’s officially no longer okay for your whole life to be a joke. Sorry, you only get one day out of the whole year for that to be acceptable. Since you can’t just quit your job and say “April Fool’s!” the next day when you show up, it’s time to get your shit together. This week, as all other weeks, we look to the stars to tell us how to get back on the right track towards becoming a productive member of society. Below, your weekly horoscopes April 3rd-9th.


You’re still riding that birthday train pretty hard. After the mimosas and vodka sodas dry up, you’re going to want to look at your life and look at your choices. Make sure that you’re setting yourself up right now for good things to come in the future. Like, maybe don’t spend all your money on a Birkin bag when what you really want to be able to afford is a big city move to further your career. I mean, yeah, it sucks, but sometimes you have to put on your big girl panties and do the less fun thing. And honestly, if you can afford a Birkin bag you might as well put a down payment on a fucking house or something.


Out of all these crazy-ass signs, you can be proud that, you, the Taurus betch, is probably the best of all when it comes to handling money. Cha-ching! Since Saturn is in retrograde for the next five months (yes, that’s a thing), it’s a good idea that you do some financial rearranging. Go ahead and make that big investment. Like, an actual investment, not just a cool summer wardrobe. I mean, do that too, but if you’ve been thinking about pulling the trigger on some stock options or a house, the next few months are a lucky time for you to do that. Then once you do that, please tell us how to adult.


You have some big relationship change-ups coming in the next five months. Because it always seems like the start of summer is a good time to ditch a dud boyfriend, if your relationship isn’t going to work in the long run, you should just cut the cord now. At least this way you can get some summer romance/hookups under your belt before finding a new dude to cuff yourself to in the fall.

Cut People Off


The next five months will be a good time for a Cancer betch to work out the kinks in her life. For the most part, things have been going pretty smoothly for you. I’m sure there’s like, one big thing in your life, though, that you wish were drastically different. Maybe you’re not feeling totes confident in your body or you’re feeling like a povo. Well, don’t let that get you down and out. Take the next five months to really focus on going to the gym and not eating pizza every night or saving some money by making your Tinder dates buy all your meals. Getting back on track is crucial before the summer is over.


Like most of the signs, the next five months will be a time of reinvention for the Leo betch. You’ll probably be most affected in the style department tho. Like, maybe this summer you’ll trade in your cut-off jorts and American flag bikini for something more refined. Maybe you’ll decide that chokers make you look like a slut. Maybe not. Who even knows? But when you get the whim to try a new look, run with it. You’re long overdue for a little switch-up when it comes to your personal style.


You’ve been feeling a little uneasy about the path you’ve chosen for yourself lately. While Saturn is in retrograde, you need to do some major re-evaluations. If you feel like you picked a shitty major or career, take the summer to work on a plan to change that or forge a new path. I mean, nothing is permanent, and you might as well make some actual adjustments instead of just bitching to your friends about something you totally have the power to change. Something tells us they’re sick of hearing about it.


Unlike most of the other signs, who are just getting ready to enter a period of extreme change, the Libra betch is already in the midst of transition. Even if the changes you’re experiencing right now seem downright shitty, it’s up to you to as least put a good spin on the situation. Having the right attitude (meaning not being down on yourself and a total drag) is basically everything. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, put something on that isn’t sweats, and get back out there to kick some ass be the bitch you are inside.

Kicking Ass & Forgetting Names

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The shitty part about the next five months for you, as Saturn is in retrograde, is that a lot of how your life goes is going to be based on your perception of the situation. In other words, don’t be a fucking downer. Like, if work sucks, just think about how you’ll probably not be stuck there your entire life like some of your sad sack coworkers. If you get dumped, just think about how much more fun the summer is going to be with all your options wide open. Like, this is no time to feel bad about anything. Whatever doors are slowly and painfully closing will only open later to much better/hotter things for you.


So Saturn will be in retrograde for the next five months, but unlike when Mercury goes into retrograde, your life won’t be totally fucked because of it. In fact, you’ll be more apt to negotiate for your best interests in the next months. You might be better at making a case for a raise, or, better yet, an entirely new position at work. This is a time when it pays to have the confidence of a mediocre white man. Going after what you want because you think you really deserve it is going to have major payoffs.

White Male Senator


Because Saturn is the ruler of your sign, it being in retrograde for the next five months means you’re going to undergo some major changes. The cool thing is they’re mostly for the best. You’ll have to do some serious thinking about how far you’ve come in the past two years, and if the path you’re on now is the one you want to be on in another two years. If everything fucking rocks and your life is awesome and you’re just drinking awesome shooters and soaking up your awesomeness, great, keep it that way. If something is holding you back, get that shit the fuck out of your life. Now’s the time to put life-changing plans in motion.


Saturn is in retrograde for the next five months. TBH, Saturn is kind of a bitch to an Aquarius. More people are going to try to take advantage of you in the next few months. Like, WTF Saturn?! The good thing about that, though, is that Saturn is trying to teach you a damn good lesson about standing the fuck up for yourself. If someone comes at you, don’t run for cover. Tell Saturn to STFU and stand your ground on whatever it is. It does not say “Boo Boo The Fool, Born Sunday April 2nd, 2017” on your birth certificate, so start acting like it.


Things have been kind of a struggle for the Pisces betch. I mean, you had a good birthday recently and all, but overall you just don’t feel like your bad self. Over the next five months, while Saturn is in retrograde, you need to work hard to get your mojo back on track, without sounding like a midde-aced divorcée while you do it. After a period of reflection, rest assured that by September you will know what you’re supposed to be doing with your life. I mean, that’s kind of boring and lame, but better take some time to get your shit together before things get, like, sadder and lamer.