How Will Mercury In Retrograde F*ck Up Your Life? Your Weekly Horoscopes April 17-23

Well, another week closer to summer, meaning there is some very intense decision making in your future. Where should you vacay? Which foods are you going to give up to get your emergency summer body together? Are you going to stay with your cuffing season bae, or dump him for the prospect of a summer fling? These are all life or death decisions, meaning there is only one reliable way to get them exactly right: looking at the arbitrary placement of the planets as they correspond to the date and time of your birth, duh! Here’s what the stars have in store for your first full week of warm weather in months.


Mercury has casually returned to retrograde until May 3rd, so if your shit seems a bit off until then, that’s why. It’s, like, a pretty bad idea to throw your cash around into any major purchase. Just say no to a new car or apartment or computer (unless someone else is buying it for you, of course). Hold off on spending whatever tax return money you think you’re going to get, because things in your finance department aren’t going as smoothly as you would have liked right now. If you’re in dire need of something that’s super expensive, try to wait to make it rain until after May 3.


YAS it’s birthday season for the Taurus betch. The Sun is finally in your sign meaning it’s your time to shine. If someone in your friend circle is acting a fool and is trying to steal all of your much-deserved limelight, they better watch out. If you mess with this bull you’ll get the horns, amirite? BTW, no one is going to fault you for it because you’re usually not an attention whore so your friends will definitely side with you this month. It’s time to Treat Yo Self 2017 and surround yourself with people who just think the world of you.


The Sun is hiding in your chart for the next four weeks meaning you prefer to lay a little low for the next month. It’s not that you’re going into hiding, you just need some time to refocus on yourself and let other people shine. Your outgoing and outrageous side will return soon enough, so don’t be all freaked the fuck out if you don’t feel like answering your texts or posing for hilarious Instagram pics. You have the rest of the summer to get back in that game.


The next few weeks will be super busy for you because everyone seems to want to hit you up. With nicer weather, a backyard barbecue or poolside kickback could use a little bit more of you to make the party complete. In other words, other people know you’re a hot commodity and want you at their events. Your inbox will be full with invitations. While you have everyone’s attention, use your friends as a sounding board for you big summer plans and goals. People will feel more honored than ever to give you their feedback.


Yas!!! The Leo betch is back and badder than ever. With the sun at the tip-top of your chart, others should prepare for total Leo domination. Since you’re being seen in such a flattering light in the next few weeks, it’s time to start setting yourself up to get what you want from others. It’s the best time for you to have that DTR with your winter cuddle buddy or to ask your boss for your deserved raise/promotion. I mean, how could they say no to you?


TBH, you’ve kind of been in a fucking rut for the last few weeks. Your goal for the week should be to switch it up and do something different. Take a different workout class. Go to a different bar for happy hour. Mars is at the top of your chart for the next six weeks, so while you’re out of your norm, you’re also highly ambitious. This opens you up to a lot of new opportunities and keeps you from doing the same old thing all the time. Nobody likes a bore whore.


Mercury in Retrograde through the start of May means exes and past hookups will be popping up like a game of whack-a-mole in the next few weeks. Even though you’re tempted to return to the bed arms of a past hookup, you’re also wanting to get out and engage in adventure and change. Girl, you can’t have both. You’ve gotta ask yourself, “What’s the best case scenario here?” and if the best case is that you have mediocre sex with a dude who is going to blow up your phone for weeks afterward, move on to better and, hopefully, bigger things.


You need more sleep in the next few weeks because of your sign, duh. It’s weird because the combination of Mercury in Retrograde and Mars in your sign, you’re lazy, but also feeling sexier and hornier than usual. Let’s just put it this way: your bed is definitely calling for the next few weeks. It’s probably the best time to get some solo action in, if you know what I’m saying. Some extra sleep and a few more orgasms never hurt anyone, right?

My Life Is In Fucking Retrograde

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You’re really getting back to the grind in the next few weeks. Keep your caffeine fix within arms reach because it’s really going to be non-stop for for the next little bit of your life. That’s not to say you don’t have time for fun shit too, you just need to stay organized and prioritized. You won’t have time to binge a new series of anything on Netflix, but you will have time to recover from your Coachella hangover while still getting some shit done.


Thank God for the better spring weather on the way. For the next four weeks, you’re in vacay mode. Even though you probably have a lot of shit to get done before summer actually rolls around, your mind is in a another, preferably, tropical location. That just means you’ll have to work extra hard to stay focused if you really have stuff you need to do…like pass classes so you can graduate or some shit. Focus first and then take and actual vacation, not just a boring mental one.


You’re feeling somewhat needy. You can blame Mercury in retrograde for that. Seeing your friends post pictures with their significant others or even their babies (gross) has you weirdly feeling like you need to start a nest of your own. It’s not helping that the wedding invitations for the summer are rolling in. Ugh. Don’t try to force it just because you’re feeling a little behind. Would you give up your Coachella weekend in exchange for dirty diapers? Um, no. Remember, all that shit can wait.


You’ve been feeling an increased sense of spirituality lately. That might be because of Easter or you just had a really spiritual experience while taking some Molly over the weekend. Whatever it is, it’s probably okay to just let that take you on a new course of action. I mean, not in a preachy, Jesus-freak kind of way, but if your life hasn’t been going the way you want it to, maybe it’s time to subscribe to a new way of thinking.

Need to recover from all the damage Coachella did to your body? Find out how here!