The makers of The Bachelor must have decided that things were going way too smoothly and that they needed a lawsuit to shake things up. Why else would they invite a human time bomb to join the cast of Bachelor in Paradise again?
That’s right, The Chad Johnson is coming back for season 4 of the skanky little sister of The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise aka Bachelor In Paradise. In an interview with The Tea (It’s okay, we didn’t know what that was either) Chad said “I will be on ‘Bachelor in Paradise.’ I’ve already agreed to do it. I hope I don’t get kicked off the first night.”
We hope so too, Chad. Actually, we hope you and Corinne have a crazy-ass fling and end up eating a platter of meat covered in whipped cream while screaming obscenities at each other and bragging about your bodies. Ah, a girl can dream.
In order to gird our loins/prepare for your triumphant return to TV, we’ve rounded up some of our favorite bat-shit crazy Chadster moments.
1. The Time He Ate Deli Meat During The Rose Ceremony
It doesn’t get much douchier than not being able to put a turkey meat roll-up down long enough to see 15 roses handed out. Are you really that obsessed with gains? MMMM yeah, I guess so.
2. The Time He Ate A Sweet Potato Whole
We knew eating meat like a mad man was a sign that Chad is pretty fucked up—beyond normal bro status, that is. But eating a sweet potato like a banana was somehow even more disturbing. Who just does that?
3. The Time He Ripped Evan’s Shirt
Okay, so during The Bachelorette, Evan did kind of seem like a whiny little bitch. I like him a lot more now that him and Carly are a thing, though. Anyway, The Chad did not like it when Evan took the chance to make fun of Chad for being impotent. In order to prove he has a dick that works, Chad ripped Evan’s shirt. Makes sense.
4. All The Times He Punched And Kicked Things
Nothing says “stable personality” like someone who punches and kicks inanimate objects. First it was this poor pool floaty, next it was a door/wall thing on a group date. I mean, I’m actually pretty surprised it never escalated into punching another dude’s face. I guess that’s what we have to look forward to on BiP.
5. The Time He Called JoJo Naggy
Isn’t it in a douche-centric instruction manual that you’re supposed to insult girls to get them to like you? I actually think Chad wrote the Ass-Hat Code of Honor in meat juice at one point. I’m pretty sure archaeologists will discover the writings underneath the Bachelor mansion hundreds of years from now.
Related: An Ode To The Chadelor
6. The Time He Packed His Own Weights
Not wanting to be without seriously heavy objects, Chad packed his own weights to the Bachelor mansion. Thank goodness because his good buddy Daniel forgot his set and had to share. Awww, besties!
7. The Times He Threatened Basically Everyone
Getting in a good threat is a Chad staple. Who didn’t this guy threaten? I’m pretty sure Chad would have had words for JoJo’s parents if he got the chance to meet them. Jordan Rodgers was actually probably freaked out when Chad said he would look for him after the show. I mean, we all know Aaron would tweet Jordan’s address or some shit if he wasn’t such a classy guy. And telling Alex “I will buy your whole family and make them my family?” Classic, if not completely psychotic.
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8. The Time He Stole Robby’s Ex
Sorry, Trey Songz. Chad properly earned the title of “Mr. Steal Your Girl” after trying to bang both Robby and Grant’s exes. Of course, posting an Insta or two of you with someone else’s ex isn’t “Chad” enough. Oh no. He had to bring it up during the “Men Tell All” special. Classic Chad.
9. The Time He Drunkenly Shat His Pants
I feel like Chad is best remembered on BiP for having a weird one-day fling with Lace and then yelling at Chris Harrison. The most important part about that night, though, is that Chad shat his pants. Just take a minute to think about how gross a meat-shart is…
10. The Time He Refused To Leave The Show
JoJo kicked Chad to the curb on her two-on-one date with Alex. Once the guys back at the house found out he was gone, they celebrated by tossing Chad’s protein into the air. He must have smelled the protein powder or the happiness of others, because he decided to go talk shit to the guys one last time. Nice, Chad. Nice.
11. THE WHISTLE
It’s hard to capture in words just how creepy the Chad whistle is. But if you say it doesn’t haunt your dreams, you’re probably lying. Every good villain needs a theme song, and The Chad made his own.
Until Bach in Paradise 4, Chad out.