Your Betchy Weekly Horoscopes February 13-19th


50 Shades of Grey

You’re taking a page out of the Leo betch’s playbook this week and really showing your strong and aggressive side. Maybe it’s just because you saw 50 Shades over the weekend, but you’re really in the mood to dominate. Um, that could be a good or bad thing, depending on who you ask. Your SO is going to think that’s a great thing, those who have to work with you might think you need to take a chill pill and stop trying to micromanage. Work on finding a balance this week.


Fuck A Fake Friend

The next month is going to be like, a really popular time for you. I mean, you’re usually rolling in social invitations, but the people you most want to notice you will definitely start paying more attention in the next four weeks. The bad news, though, is someone that you thought totally had your back is going to show their true colors. This fake friend might not be as loyal as you thought, especially when it comes to being happy for you when things work out. Look out for the person who doesn’t hug you when you tell them you got a promotion or raise. Watch your back, betch.


Road Trip

2017 is your year for vacation. Even if you don’t have a trip planned right now, just trust. This is your horoscope after all, so it’s totally accurate, like a fortune cookie. Anyway, you’re all about partying and exploring all year long, but it’s especially important that you kick off this epic year with a really relaxing pre-summer trip. Even if you’re, like, too old for an actual spring break, you need to put yourself first and plan a little something, even if it’s just for a few days and to somewhere close by. Make those plans this week and your trip will go off without a hitch.



You’re weirdly hungry for knowledge right now. Like, you want to stay #woke and, like Kylie Jenner, you just want to realize stuff. Maybe you’re trying your hand at a new skill or taking on new responsibilities at work. Good for you. As long as you don’t run your mouth all the time about how great you’re doing at being the best, other people will take notice of how well you’re getting the hang of things. You’ll be rewarded for your efforts. Pro Tip: Having a working knowledge of current events will also come in handy this week.



Mercury is opposite your sign this month. That means you’ll be needing some extra TLC and someone to lean on. For some reason, you’re just not feeling like your voice is being heard, no matter how many Snapchat rants you go on. Cool it with the PDFs, public displays of frustration. Instead, call your mom and dad or some shit. They love to hear from you and think you’re always right. Your friends might be good for short chats, but everyone is kind of busy right now. Don’t think they’re being rude; they just won’t care as much as your parents will, and you need some actual advice, not just a pep talk and a shot (which your besties are still good for, btw).



You’re the unlucky sign this week that loses the Sun. The Sun moves opposite your sign this week so you’ll need more sleep for the next four weeks. This is kind of an inopportune time for you because you have a lot of shit to do. Start making lists and setting priorities this week so you don’t space out on anything that’s actually important. Also, don’t flake out on your social obligations even though you’re sleepy. You can nap when you’re dead.


Working Out

Sure, you’ve kind of let the diet and exercise slip lately because it’s fucking winter and you needed to stay warm, right? Well, the forecast calls for more sunshine and you getting off your ass this week. You’ll find some unexpected motivation to start making your health a priority again. It is all about health (right?), and not just how you look in a bikini top and cut-offs. Anyway, recruit one of your friends to take a new gym class. You need a change of scenery, in the mirror and with your surroundings, anyway.



This is your time to fucking shine, as RiRi would say, bright like a diamond. The next four weeks bring The Sun to your sign, meaning you’re open to parties, vacations and a lot of great attention. You’re also charming as shit right now so it’s time that you schmooze the pants off of people in this window of time. No bad news here, Scorpio, just enjoy it while it lasts.


One On One Tee

(Psttt buy this tee here.)

The weather isn’t great, it feels like the world is crumbling around you, and you just want to wear sweatpants and hide in a blanket cocoon. Don’t worry, betch. We’ve all been there. Bad news though, you have to put your big girl pants on and keep on keeping on, even when you want to hide at home. You’re def going through a phase this week, but by next week you’ll start to come out of it. Besides, you’ve watched everything decent on Netflix by now anyway.



You might as well be Kellyanne Conway, because it feels like you’re fucking everywhere right now. (She’s an Aquarius, BTW, not a Capricorn.) Anyway, not only does it feel like you’re running in a bunch of different directions, it also feels like you’re especially visible to those around you. Is it just me, or did your like count on Instagram just get a boost recently? Anyway, try not to shy away from the limelight this week; you’re getting noticed for a reason.


You’ve got the power! OK, not just this month, but basically all year. You’re feeling like you’re at your most powerful and able to accomplish the shit you actually need to get done. That’s good news, especially at a time when many of the other signs are slacking. Continue to seek out ways to control your life a little bit better. Write shit down. Use your calendar. Let people know who’s boss when they get out of line. Keep up that IDFWU attitude and your next four weeks will be smooth sailing.


Last week you took an L, but this week you bounce back. Your birthday is approaching, and you’re in for pleasant surprises as that day draws closer. You’re feeling a little extra flirtatious, and it’s not just because all the Valentine’s Day decorations are really in your face. Take a chance and invite your love interest to your birthday party or something. The risky moves you make now will have big payoffs when all the celebrating is said and done.