We may be teetering on the edge of a third World War, but let’s focus on what’s important: using the placement of the stars (I think?) to tell you how you should spend your money and interact with the people you encounter in your everyday life. So take a look at your weekly horoscope and soak it in, because I don’t think I’m at all being dramatic when I say next week you might not have a horoscope or a job or a place to live and we might all be shipped off to fight in the army and Betches might become a tool of the government propaganda machine. Okay, so maybe not that last one. But anyway, check out your horoscopes and maybe sign up for The Sup, our thrice weekly newsletter, so you don’t annoy all your friends, family, and website readers with your hypochondria and alarmist tendencies. Namaste!
Aries
You’ll probably feel like someone spiked your Sunday brunch mimosa with crazy juice this week. You’re more prone to impulsive behavior. Expect to make rash decisions quickly—which I guess is what rash means. Just maybe have your bff on retainer so you can run all your wacko ideas by them. You’ll need a trustworthy source to talk you out of getting bangs or dying your hair a “trendy” color because nobody with rainbow hair deserves to have friends.
Taurus
That volatile, antsy energy that’s ruling Aries this week will also be spilling over into the Taurus sign. You’ll feel super restless and kind of discontent with where you are in life right now. Don’t think this is a sign that you need to dump your boyfriend or change your major or quit your job. Channel all that nervous energy into something productive like getting back your summer bod or online shopping. You know, the important things in life.
Gemini
People can be surprising, and that cliché is definitely more true for the Gemini betch this week. Go against your usual nature and give people a chance to impress you. Your encounters might not be what you would expect. Obviously, this is super important for the betches who frequent the dating app circuit. It’s a good time to meet up with a dude who might not seem like your type on the surface. At least bestow him with the gift of your company and let him pay for your vodka soda.
Cancer
Get out the claws, Cancer, it’s time to defend yourself or your work to someone in a position of authority. A boss, your parents, professor, teacher or even actual law enforcement might be questioning your choices. Stand by your (hopefully somewhat defensible) actions and don’t let yourself be intimidated—unless your encounter is literally with the police and in that case stand tf down because we at Betches don’t want any blood on our hands. Some of this drama might start because someone you thought was a friend is more apt to throwing you under the bus this week. So, as always, trust no bitch.
Leo
While most signs are getting bad surprises this week, the Leo betch is #blessed with a pleasant surprise in the forecast. A new opportunity to travel or take a new class will come forward. We’re not talking, like, some sort of paint and sip shit either. This new opportunity is actually pretty likely to have a big positive impact on your life and not stick you with a tacky piece of art your made while drunk.
Virgo
The best piece of advice a Virgo can take this week is: Stay on top of your shit. Whether it’s homework or work emails, don’t let it pile up. Even if you’re generally the queen of procrastination, don’t let yourself relax on your responsibilities rn. When an unexpected obligation shows up this week, you won’t be hot-mess scrambling to get it together. In fact, the way you so smoothly handle whatever comes your way is going to bring some positive attention your way.
Libra
Something has been brewing for quite a while, and you’ve pretty much had enough of someone else’s shit this week. The days ahead might be a big turning point to you in an important relationship. Don’t be a ho about it. Sure, you might be attempted to flirt with that new coworker or talk shit about your friend behind their back, but if things are getting to the breaking point, just call it quits before you look like the asshole.
Scorpio
If you’re one that hates surprises, just be prepared to be fucking pissed this week. A surprise of some sort is definitely in your future in the week ahead. Most signs are actually in for a surprise. That’s kind of the whole point of horoscopes, I know. But instead of definitive good or bad surprise, yours could really go either way and could impact any random part of your life. Just expect the unexpected and maybe bring a change of clothes or shoes with you when you travel. IDK.
Sagittarius
You’re one of the lucky ones! Thank fucking god you weren’t born under a sign that assures you’re in for a shitty unexpected turn of events in the week ahead. Oh no—whatever surprise comes your way in the near future is going to at least be fun and lead to a good time. Impromptu parties; fun, unexpected invitations; or just a fucking rad opportunity will present themselves. Hell, maybe even more than one of these things are headed your way. Drink it in, it goes down smooth.
Capricorn
With all the unexpected events going on for other signs this week, you can relax knowing that whatever comes your way will probably subtle and unlikely life-changing. Sure, that makes you sound like the bore-whore of your friend group, but it’s probably in all likelihood not boring watching other people’s lives fall apart while you chill with a glass of rosé. If you want to spice up the action, feel free to get involved in situations that don’t concern you. If things go south, that’s on you though.
Aquarius
Things are pretty typical for you this week. Going to work, doing your thing, making your way through life, ballin’, shot callin’, etc. Something small might be a little different for you, though. Maybe a detour forces you to take a different route to work or your work changes the kind of coffee in the office. Like, sure, things are slightly off but nothing too dramatic. Still, be careful what you say this week. Promises or agreeing to a commitment this week could come back to bite you in the ass next week.
Pisces
You’re in for some ultimately positive news this week. I qualify “positive news” because, at first, something unexpected that happens might catch you off-guard or seem somewhat shitty and inconvenient. Just roll with it and don’t blow the situation way out of proportion. Not that you’re likely to ever do that or anything, wink wink. If things seem slow going at the beginning of the week, try getting rid of some baggage. A trip to donate old clothes or a “we’re over” text will do a girl a lot of good.
