Fuckboys Can Now Buy A Fitness Tracker For Their Penis

If you thought your boyfriend got too obsessed with shit like fantasy football, March Madness, and falling asleep while watching golf on Sunday, you might not want to give him this new fitness tracker that will have him even more obsessed with the intricate functionings of his own penis. The i.Con Smart Condom is a Fitbit for a dick. Yes, this is real. Welcome to 2017, where doctors cannot pinpoint what precisely causes bacteria vaginosis—an infection more common than yeast infections—but we have dick fitness trackers. Cool. Thanks. Love it.

This smart condom answers those pressing questions guys face on a daily basis like:

What’s my thrust velocity? — You know what they say, it’s not the size that counts. It’s the thrust velocity. 
How fast are my thrusts? — Umm maybe just ask the person you’re with?
What’s my girth? — Ew, that word is disgusting. Plus, couldn’t you just figure this out with measuring tape?

Honey Boo Boo

UM, OKAY WHOEVER MADE THIS. The last thing I really want when trying to get it in is the guy hammering away at my vag to be preoccupied with keeping his numbers up. “A guy who pays attention to my G-spot is nice, but what I really what is someone who indiscriminately pounds away like he’s trying to break a world record for pelvic thrust speed,” said no woman ever. Another thing no woman has ever thought: “What’s really missing from my sex life is a more competitive attitude.”

Second of all, I don’t need a “smart” condom. I’ve seen the Matrix. I know what happens when machines get too smart. Do we really want this with our dick technology? I’ll keep my condoms dumb, thanks. Also, are we not going to even mention how this supposed “smart” condom doesn’t even zap your fuckboy of all his sperm so you can’t get pregnant? No? Okay.

The i.Con Questionably Intelligent Condom also allows men to compare their sexual abilities with their friends and men from around the planet, which is what I thought locker rooms were for. This takes the “who has a bigger dick” competition thing and turns it into a whole new rodeo. But like, if I wanted my man training for a marathon in the bedroom I’d buy a fucking treadmill. Would prefer to not actually be the treadmill, TBH. 

Taylor Swift treadmill

If you’re like me, you’re definitely wondering how the eff this thing even works. I think it’s just a ring-type thing that fits over a condom. Great, that sounds comfortable for everyone. So it’s basically like every time your Nuvaring fell out mid-smash and you had to peel it off your guy’s ween. Only, this time, he put a weird ring on his dick on purpose.

The thought that instead of getting an unwarranted dick pic in your DMs, you might now get unwarranted sex stats is unsettling to say the least. But, hey, at least you would get to know what you were signing up for beforehand. 

“Hey dude, you seem nice and all, but your girth to thrust speed ratio is all over the place. I’ll hit you up in a month or so if I notice your stats change.”