Which Signs Should Take Naps & Avoid Responsibilities: Your Betchy Weekly Horoscopes

It is officially the first week of spring, which means it is officially time for you to start getting your shit together. Days are already getting longer, and soon it being “cold AF” will not exist as an excuse to avoid all plans anymore. You, and your winter body, are going to have to get it together, and fast. But how exactly should you get your shit together? Should you book a rejuvinating spa weekend? (Yes, always.) Should you plan a weekend getaway, hit up a new fitness class, or maybe just spend one last weekend being boring AF so that you can finally tackle all that shit that’s been accumulating in the back of your closet? Perhaps a tricked-out new planner is in your future? There is only one way to know, and that’s to ask the stars. And no, I’m not talking about celebs. Though you can try asking them if you want.


YAS Queen! This is, like, such a powerful time for you! The Sun is in Aries for the next four weeks, meaning this is the best time of the year for you. At least, it can be if you play your cards right. Be a little more self-centered than usual because you are your own center of the universe. Fucking duh. Using all the luck your star sign is giving you right now will only bring you more peace and #blessings in the future.

Beyonce Queen


So the Sun is in Aries, meaning it’s hiding in your chart for the next four weeks. Not ideal, but whatever. You’ll get your time to really shine during your birthday month. Take this time out of the spotlight to de-clutter your socials while people aren’t paying much attention to who is unfollowing them. I mean, do you really need to be following every person that’s ever been on The Bachelor? Ok, maybe you do. But cleaning up your tech life might lead you to some actual clarity in your real life.

Snow White Unfollow


It’s usually the Gemini betch that can be a little two-faced, but this week, trust no bitch. It’s actually important that you remain social and don’t lock yourself away to try to avoid people you don’t like. It’s like, people aren’t going to talk shit about you if you’re standing right next to them, are they? I mean, even if someone starts something up, if you’re around and visible, you have the chance to clap back or shut down any negativity.

Talk shit get hit


It’s the one time of year when the Sun is at the tip top of your chart. Since you’re so visible, take this time to build a little bit of confidence. Not that you need a ton more, but it never hurts to be THAT much more fucking awesome. If someone compliments you, just accept it. Nothing is more awkward than giving someone a compliment then having them disagree with you anyway. Don’t be that asshole. Work on saying thank you and meaning it this week.

legally blonde


In this particular phase, you’re really drawn to travel. Like, no fucking shit. Spring has been a long time coming, and even if you just got back from a trip, you can still be stoked for the next one. If you can’t make another vacation happen, it’s okay to let your mind wander a little. Nothing super pressing needs your attention this week so you can mentally check out, even if you can’t physically check in to a tropical resort.

Big Ang


The Sun is in an intense and powerful phase in your chart, kind of heating your sex drive up. Before you go on an insane hookup bender or some shit and totally contract something, focus on quality instead of quantity. That could mean you need to spice up some solo action or return to a former flame you know can hit all the right spots. As long as everyone knows the situation is casual, you should be good.

Cruel Intentions


The Sun is opposite your sign for the next four weeks, meaning you’re the lucky betch that is struck with tired vibes all month long. Since you’re a nap queen, take the time to rest and focus on your goals and ambitions for when you emerge from your coma. It’s totally fine if you just want to Netflix and chill instead of doing it big every night. You can hit it hard next month when you feel more up to it.

Corinne naps


Your friends might want you to take a chill pill this week because while most of them are trying to veg out, you have nothing but energy—no Adderal needed. Since you’re #blessed with vigor and focus, don’t procrastinate this week. Let your “high on life” situation carry you through shitty tasks you don’t want to do. This way, they’re out of the way fast so you can use the rest of your energy for whatever the fuck you want.

Michael Scott


Time to put on your party pants and pour yourself a drink. This week is all about the P-A-R-T-Y for you. Maybe the sun is shining a little bit more and you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you’re just generally super optimistic about the future this week. You might have some nervous energy about something coming up soon, that’s fine. You’re totally in the clear to drink your weight in vodka sodas.

grey's anatomy


As the Sun rounds out the bottom of your chart this week, you’re trying to enter into hiding a little bit yourself. That’s totally fine. Even Kim Kardashian takes breaks from the limelight. While you’re in a period of not putting yourself out there, focus on making your inner circle closer. Invite a friend you haven’t seen in a hot second out to lunch over for wine and gossip. Reconnecting right now will serve you really well in the weeks to come.

Khloe Kardashian


You feel like you’re rolling downhill, just picking up steam as you go. Even though your already hectic pace is getting more hectic as the week goes on, the good thing is that you’re totally in control the whole time. Keep on top of your shit and everything will run smoothly. You can take a break in the weeks to come; this week is entirely about the hustle.

Miss Piggy


You’ve been having some post-birthday anxiety. I mean, every birthday after your turn 21 is pretty much a sign you’re closer to shelling out the big bucks on bi-weekly botox. Don’t worry, you’re still (probably) young and hot. Try to just focus on what is exciting about your future during the week ahead. I mean, you might feel old as shit because you can’t pound Pink Panty Droppers and then run a 5K the next day without wanting to die. Whatever. You still have a few good years on the way.

Jaime Lee Curtis