Scandoval. Barbenheimer. Eyebrowgate. Frozen Todger. Here’s hoping we never have to explain 2023 to the aliens. We’ve endured a lot this year, so we’re acknowledging it all the only way we know how: with an unsolicited awards show. Welcome to the Betch of the Year Awards.
The Betch of the Year Awards recognize the celebrities/individuals/things whose pure, unadulterated betchiness has created the biggest impact on 2023. We aim to honor the betches who’ve caused addictive viral chaos and whose IDGAF attitude has solidified them as an all-around legend.
These are the moments that matter, so let’s dig in once you’re done crying about how you didn’t make it on the Forbes 30 Under 30 list again.
Betch Of The Year
This category recognizes someone (or something) whose refreshing authenticity will intimidate the fuck out of you, while simultaneously seeming as relatable as the friend you share a shit-ton of California rolls with while bingeing RHOBH.
This brutally honest betch will smash the patriarchy Monday through Friday, and then be the leading lady of bottomless brunch on the weekends. Don’t get in her way or she will glitterbomb the fuck out of your apartment.
White Gladis the Orca And Her Army
White Gladis has earned her place among the greats, like Joan of Arc or Florence Nightingale. She is the Robin Hood of our century. We all like to say “Eat the Rich!”, usually when our Amex is declined on a round of lemon drops, but White Gladis the orca and her army are the only ones following through. They’ve successfully demolished countless yachts, and they cannot, and will not, be stopped.
Let’s get the roughest part out of the way: Coco was born in 2004. Yep, people born just 19 years ago are slaying at world tennis championships. Forget a Woman in STEM, Coco is a Woman in a Skort. She has won 6 WTA Tour singles titles, including a Major at the 2023 US Open, and looked amazing doing it all.
Are we absolutely terrified of her? Yes. Are we nominating her so she doesn’t fucking murder us in our beds tonight? Perhaps. But whether or not we’re quaking in fear, M3GAN is a feminist icon. She clearly has a lot of maternal instinct, and she isn’t afraid to get shit done. Also, she is totally a queer icon, so yay, M3GAN, the ALLY!
How could the woman who brought us Barbie not be on the list of nominees? And we’re not talking about the actual plastic dolls we made scissor decades ago. We’re talking about one hour and 54 minutes of style, unintended sapphic energy, shirtless Ryan Gosling (slurp), the vagina monologues, and a new Charli XCX song to crash our cars to. Thank you, Greta, for all you have selflessly given us.
American Girl Twins Isabel And Nicki
How fun! The annual historic American Girl dolls are out and they’re from 1999… because that’s history now? These HISTORIC girls are fans of the Spice Girls and celebrate the Y2K countdown and just generally do things that we didn’t know were historic. But that’s fine, we can admit that we’re ancient history, and that we’ve become a literal costume. Yay for girls everywhere who can celebrate the 1990s now! *sobbing*
Flop Of The Year
It’s the law of physics: As one will slay, so the other shall flop. We’re sure Oppenheimer said it at some point. While we take the time to celebrate the betches who carved their names in history this year, we must also acknowledge the ones who got their names wiped off the whiteboard. Sorry, pals, let’s hope we don’t hear anything from you in 2024. It’s better that way.
Jamie Lynn Spears
We might not be as vocal about it as Wendy Williams, but we’re still fuming with Jamie Lynn Spears. Brit’s new memoir may have shifted some of the blame to Justin Timberlake (we’ll get to you!!), but we won’t forget how little Jamie did to help her big sis. Her attempts to get back into the public eye have been major flops, going home on like day 2 of Special Forces, and starring in the reboot no one wanted, Zoey 102.
What truly makes this a Flop of the Year is how good it could’ve been with the original script and director. But instead, men took it and made it everything we didn’t want (kind of like the opposite of the Barbie movie). I don’t know what’s worse: the Weeknd’s acting, the stunted script, or the complete male gaze forced onto all of the sex scenes. When a Nepo Baby like Lily-Rose Depp becomes the highlight of a show, you know it’s bad.
It’s like when your Mom remarries and tries to make you call him dad, but we won’t!!!! We refuse to go along with the dumbest rebrand in history. The only people who call it X are just trying to be difficult and take down funny women’s tweets. Like it’s a letter, not a name. Try again, Elon!!!
Tom Sandoval & The Most Extras
We loathe to even write his name, as he is lapping up all of the attention. But this isn’t the last you’ll see of Tom Sandoval on this list. His “band” definitely earns its spot, with some of the cringiest performances to date. When Ariana had to sit through an entire performance, finding out Tom was cheating on her with Rachel was the second most awful thing to happen to her that evening.
With yet another spectacular screw-up under his belt, Kevin has been booted out of Congress and left a massive mess behind him. We definitely think it’s time for a career switch for him, but not before we enjoy a Taylor-sized dose of karma catching up to him.
Add To Cart Of The Year
Your retail therapy isn’t over just yet, as we’ve got the things you simply NEED to succeed in life. Read these nominations and whip out your Amex to get them while you still can. They may not be sentient beings, but these items are winners all the same!
A Ludicrously Capacious Bag
Obviously we never carry flat shoes to slip into when we reach the subway. And you’ll never find old packets of chewing gum, scattered receipts, a Mac lipstick from 2010, a bunch of foreign coins, and a used blister plaster in our handbag. But if we did, hypothetically, this would be the bag to hold it all and more.
Rihanna’s Mid-Performance Face Powder
She is glowing, and no, it’s not because she’s pregnant again. Whatever face powder Rihanna has slathered on mid-performance, we need it, want it, must get it. Immediately trolling the Fenty website for this, as Rihanna is nothing if not a saleswoman.
Taylor Swift’s Waterproof Makeup
Whenever a TikTok of the Eras Tour comes up, you can tell how far into the show you are by the state of Taylor’s hair, namely the curls and level of wetness. But her makeup shows no secrets. It is flawless from start to finish. We can’t even sneeze wearing mascara, so how is she soaking through red lipstick and perfect cat eye? GIVE US YOUR SECRETS OR KARMA WILL GET YOU, TAYLOR.
Silver Outfit From The Renaissance Tour
It’s something you’d wear to an alien-themed party in a frat basement, and yes, we want it immediately. You could channel electricity in this thing and lower all your energy bills. You could communicate with the Mars rover in it. You could even get that guy from Hinge to finally text you back. All of that and more.
Hailey Bieber’s Rhode Lip Balm
Boo for Hailey bullying people, but damn this Rhode Lip Balm is something else. We don’t know what kind of crack she put in it, but our lips have never looked this glossy. We could literally wipe a glazed donut over them and not achieve this effect. So we don’t support a mean girl, but we will be buying this by the bucketload.
Scandal Of The Year
There’s a lot we didn’t expect to happen this year, like literal UFOs stopping by and Uggs making a comeback. It’s been a year of surprises, most of which we’d really like to return — please, we even have a receipt, just store credit — But despite all the very, many, many, too many surprises, here are the scams and scandals that are permanently burned on our retinas and have changed the entire fabric matter of the universe.
Jen Shah And Elizabeth Holmes: Prison BFFs
Some people got a little too inspired by Martha Stewart’s time behind bars, and this includes Jen Shah and Elizabeth Holmes. But girlbosses will always stick together. Lizzie has been quick to take Jen under her wing at the Texas prison, and they’ve supposedly developed quite the friendship. This was definitely not on our 2023 bingo card, but we love two fraud girlies becoming besties, and talking trash after a “Sha-Mazing Abs” workout. Maybe they’re swapping tips to get away with it next time, or prepping Liz to join Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.
Told you he’d be back. Tom Sandoval is like that UTI you can’t quite shake despite countless rounds of antibiotics and getting canceled. Tom not only had the nerve to cheat on Ariana (a literal goddess), but he did it with her bestie, Raquel, right under her nose — IN HER OWN HOME!! There is no clawing your way back from this, and we wish he would just leave quietly and never pick up a podcast microphone again.
Justin Timberlake Getting Exposed by Britney Spears
Honestly, the main lesson we’re taking from 2023 is that we should just cancel men. Brit’s memoir, The Woman in Me, was finally released, and she truly did not hold back!! Not only about her conservatorship but also about her relationship with Justin Timberlake from 1999 to 2002. She discussed how he allegedly pressured her to have an abortion and then did a Ken serenade to make it even worse. He did a Joe Jonas-style text dump, allegedly cheated on her repeatedly, and apparently isn’t packing much…of anything…🍆
Scooter Braun’s Mysterious Disappearing Clients
Best known for snaking Taylor Swift (she made this loser famous), Scooter is going to be applying for a job at Hooters soon after losing most of his clients. Following in the footsteps of blondie, Justin Bieber, Demi Lovato, Idina Menzel, and Ariana Grande have all parted ways with Scooter this year. Buh-bye!
Ariana Grande And SpongeBob (Aka Ethan Slater)
It turns out that Dorothy’s not the only one who can wreck a home in Oz, as Glinda seems to be doing a pretty good job of becoming the wicked witch of one marriage. Both Ariana and Ethan left their partners to be together, after connecting on the set of Wicked. Why this pop princess is dating literal SpongeBob (no LITERALLY) we will never know. Guess he’s packing more than Justin is.
Fever Dream Couple Of The Year
Historians are calling it the “Worst Year for Romance in the History of Like Ever” (by historians, I mean us). There were too many breakups to count, and it reached a point where we were surprised by the ones that did last (really, Jessica, you’re going to stick with Justin?). Amongst all the heartbreak and Bridget Jones binges, some new couples emerged to fill the gap, and we can’t quite determine which of these are real and which are sociology experiments.
Kylie Jenner And Timothée Chalamet
What better way for Lil Timmy to prove he’s a big boy now than to date a Kardashian? Well, a Jenner, but close enough. Kris has really outdone herself this time with the PR relationship of the century. You’re confused? No, we’re confused and wondering what they even talk about.
Kendall Jenner And Bad Bunny
Another Jenner, another PR relationship we can’t wrap our heads around. They are both stunning (talk about a dream threesome, am I right?), but like, how did this happen? How is it still happening? Does Kendall even speak Spanish? She probably thought owning a tequila brand was basically the same thing.
Ariana Grande And SpongeBob
She’s Barbie and he is just…SpongeBob. Ariana Grande is best known for being a Grammy award-winning singer, style icon, being engaged to Pete Davidson and of course, being our favorite character on Victorious. Ethan is best known for dressing up like a sponge on Broadway every night. We have a lot of questions.
Tyga And Avril Lavigne
It only lasted three-and-a-half months, but it’s permanently altered our brain waves. Forget electro-shock treatment, this did the trick. Avril is one of those people you kind of forget until karaoke night, and now she was suddenly shacking up with Kylie’s ex, Tyga. Make it make sense.
Emily Ratajkowski And Eric Andre
Well, if being funny can get you a girl like Emily Ratajkowski, sign us up for improv (lol, pls don’t)! The real peak of this unusual pairing happened on Valentine’s Day when Eric shared a NSFW photo of the pair, seemingly confirming the couple. But NO! They had broken up BEFORE HE POSTED IT. So many questions, so many icks, so little time.
Viral Moment Of The Year
We spend about 80% of our time on our phones, and we disabled that digital well-being timer for TikTok back in like March, so it’s only natural that we acknowledge the viral trends that defined this year. There were so many to choose from, and so many that we can’t even remember despite sending them to our besties with the message “lol us.” Here are the ones we can remember, and couldn’t forget if we tried, because we really tried.
Cole Sprouse Smoking a Cigarette on Call Her Daddy
Ew. Sorry. We all loved The Suite Life of Zack & Cody as kids, and this felt like a strange alternate-universe remake years later, where Cody is pensively smoking his cigarette and sharing his woes. The best part of this viral moment is when his ex Lili’s new boyfriend parodied it. Lol.
Pedro Pascal Eating A Sandwich
How can someone look so beautiful eating a peanut butter sandwich?!!? Literally, this video has done more for me sexually than all of my exes combined. The crunch sounds, the expression, the cardigan, the dainty way he’s holding it. BRB!!
Who knew men think about the Roman Empire so often?! They can’t remember our birthdays, to take the chicken out of the freezer, or to wipe their own asses, but they have time to think about gladiators. Everything they’ll never be, we guess. Well, it did spur a meme movement and allowed us to consider our own Roman Empires.
Angela Bassett Did The Thing
It all started with a medley at the BAFTAs, and it became so much more. Out of all the lyrics in Ariana DeBose’s performance, “Angela Bassett did the thing” with an accompanying shoulder wiggle is the one that the internet clasped with greedy hands. But we got to see stars like Adele and Angela herself embrace this line, and celebrate the talented Ariana DeBose.
Met Gala Getting Crashed by a Cockroach
They’ve managed to keep Tom Sandoval far away from the Met Gala, but another cockroach walked the red carpet this year. Despite the millions that go into this event, everyone only had eyes for the cockroach that strutted along. It was sadly stepped on (perhaps intentionally by jealous celebs), and will forever be remembered as a true icon. RIP. <3
Feud Of The Year
No boxing gloves for these epic showdowns, mainly because their five-inch long acrylic nails wouldn’t fit — especially Elon’s. We haven’t seen so much tension since Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff had beef in the early 2000s. It’s time for a catfight that would put Catwoman out of a job: the feuds of the year.
Gwyneth Paltrow vs. Ski Crash Victim: “I Wish You Well”
Retired optometrist Terry Sanderson lost his lawsuit against Gwyneth Paltrow, who apparently yeeted him off the ski slope seven years ago and caused lasting damages. The jury blamed Terry for the crash (maybe he needed better glasses), and upon leaving, Gwyneth touched his shoulder and whispered the consolation/threat, “I wish you well.” Rumor has it the jury were seen leaving with stuffed Goop goody bags. (If her lawyers are reading this, we’re joking.)
EyebrowGate: Hailey Bieber vs. Selena Gomez
Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber have not dated since 2018 and he’s literally married, and yet she is still being dragged into things…very “I’d like to be excluded from this narrative” energy. A harmless TikTok in which Selena lamented her supposedly poorly laminated brows (looks better than mine, girlie), was seemingly mocked in Kylie’s Instagram post of her and Hailey’s eyebrows.
Billionaire Cage Fight: Elon Musk vs. Mark Zuckerberg
The billionaires aren’t posting photos of their eyebrows, they’re just challenging each other to cage fights. Literally, Barbie had men down to a T. The founder of Facebook and recent purchaser of Twitter (sorry, X!!!) have been swinging their dicks around and training for a battle royale. Talk about an ick.
Reality Reckoning: Bethenny Frankel vs. Bravo
Bethenny felt left out of the SAG-AFTRA and WGA strikes, so she called for reality TV stars to go on strike and unionize. She spilled the tea about life on reality TV shows, most notably her time on The Real Housewives of New York City, and interviewed Raquel about how hard it was to be in an affair with Tom Sandoval and betray her bestie. Okay, a little off-script there, Bethenny.
“I Got Married In Italy”: Kourtney Kardashian vs. Kim Kardashian
We are still shaking in our boots after these tense showdowns between Kim and Kourtney Kardashian. Kourt claimed that Kim copied her Dolce & Gabbana wedding theme, and Kim claimed that Kourt copied… well, everything. So Kim broke girl code and revealed that they all have a secret group chat about Kourt with her friends… you’re not meant to tell her that!! This might be the new Bette Davis and Joan Crawford feud.
Press Tour Of The Year
As much as we love the incredible outfits, the real beauty of a press tour lies in the vats of tea that get spilled. Maybe it’s the fact that these people have been shoved together for so long, or that they’re sleep-deprived and can’t remember what time zone they’re on, but there is a unique oversharing quality to a press tour. Kind of like the level of oversharing we only witness in girls’ bathrooms on a night out. Sometimes it doesn’t even matter what they’re promoting, as the tour itself is that good.
Jada Pinkett Smith’s TMI Book Tour
Jada is apparently finally bringing her truth to the table. Not sure how that’s possible, since she’s been sharing a lot of truth bombs over the years, even though we’ve tried our best not to hear them. We’re trying to focus on Brit’s memoir, and suddenly we’re hearing about how she and Will have been separated for years?? So pre-slap?? Love her or hate her or don’t really care, girlie knows how to drum up book sales.
Ryan Gosling’s Commitment to Kenergy
He is more than Kenough for us, he is everything and more! Ryan is all the best of Ken, with none of the icky toxic masculinity. We want him to be Ken forever, especially in the bedroom, and with that leather waistcoat. He’s like a golden retriever and just seems so happy to be included in this film. Thank YOU, Ryan.
Prince Harry’s Frozen Todger Book Tour
We’re still waiting for a Jennifer Aniston or Kim Cattrall memoir, and yet we’ve got what’s essentially Prince Harry’s ode to his penis. We respect the brutal — truly brutal — honesty, but we also don’t think it was all quite necessary. Like your frostbitten penis and mom’s cream for it don’t relate to everything happening now with the royal family, and the gossip we’re actually interested in.
Jamie Lee Curtis’ “OG Nepo Baby” Oscar Campaign
Embracing her Nepo Baby status, Jamie Lee Curtis is quick to defend actors who got a leg up in the industry. When she won the SAG Award for best supporting actress in Everything Everywhere All at Once, she was happy to say she’s the shit, and rightly so. We love this proud energy, and it’s a relief to see a Nepo Baby acknowledge their privilege rather than deny it.
Reese And Ashton’s Chemistry-Free Rom-Com Tour
We’ve had more chemistry with every plumber or handyman that’s ever entered our home. Reese and Ashton were just plain awkward on the Your Place or Mine red carpet, despite being… good friends? Ashton claims he didn’t want to fuel any affair rumors, but this is more suspicious.
Inspirational Quote Of The Year
Live, laugh, love. Gatekeep, gaslight, girlboss. These are some of the many quotes that will define a generation that still pretends it’s a teenager. All of the iconic people we choose to nominate for this award have said some inspirational words, and some utter bullshit. So let’s look at the quotes you should definitely get tattooed onto your ribcage, or printed as a poster to hang above your desk (lame choice).
“I lost half a day of skiing” – Gwyneth Paltrow
The true victim of that ski accident wasn’t the person with astounding medical bills, but Gwyneth losing half a day of skiing. She was too shaken to continue skiing after ramming into Terry the Optometrist, and instead grabbed lunch and a massage. How she has managed to continue after this loss is beyond us. Thoughts and prayers, Gwyneth.
“You’re a worm with a mustache” – James Kennedy
We have never been as excited for a Bravo reunion as we were for the one following Scandoval, and it did NOT disappoint. There are so many iconic moments to choose from, but the real insult of the century was by James Kennedy, when he named Tom Sandoval a “Worm with a Mustache.” Is he wrong, though?
“You are not serious people” – Logan Roy
Succession had us all in a chokehold for four whole seasons, and we can’t believe it’s all over now. There are too many amazing quotes from this show, but 2023 was defined by Logan Roy telling his kids, “You are not serious people.” Take the time to tell the people in your life this as well, because they’re just not.
“What do you mean?” – Jennifer Lawrence through tears on Hot Ones
Our toxic trait is thinking we’d be amazing on Hot Ones, when we’d probably start vomiting within two minutes. Jennifer Lawrence really did it all for all the girlies, and kept going, even when she started sobbing. This has become the meme to end all memes, the TikTok sound to end all TikTok sounds. She is me and I am her, only much uglier and nowhere near Josh Hutcherson.
“She ain’t no diva” – Beyoncé
Beyoncé really had it out for a fan when she very specifically singled them out during “She ain’t no diva” and gave the eye intensity to end all eye intensity. We don’t know what this person did to deserve this showdown, but best believe they were voted out of the Beyhive swiftly after.
And with that, we reach the end of our Betch of the Year award nominations! It’s been an unbelievable year — like, literally, did we just take too much Xanax on New Year’s Day? But like Tyra always screamed at contestants on ANTM, there can only be one winner. We’ll be back on December 11 to announce the winners of each category.
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