Good Afternoon To Everyone Except J*stin T*mberlake

If you spent more than 0.2 seconds on the internet yesterday, you were bombarded with the newly released footage of Britney Spears auditioning for the highly-coveted role of Allie in The Notebook — it’s a heart wrenching scene where Allie grapples with her true love for Noah and her commitment to marry Lon.

And since we know from her recollections about Crossroads that Britney is a method acting queen, we can wager a guess that there wasn’t a tear stick hiding in her pocket. All she had to do to cry us a river was simply conjure a single memory of her relationship with walking garbage can Justin Timberlake.

Britney’s bombshell memoir The Woman In Me was finally released to GenPop today, and doesn’t skimp on details surrounding what really went on behind the scenes with America’s golden boy.

Here are five revelations that prove our thesis J-Timbs is a terrible boyfriend, chronic manipulator, and menace to society:

He handled her abortion like Ken from Barbie.

After pressuring Britney to get an abortion when they got pregnant, he handled her ensuing pain like any good narcissist would: by playing a guitar solo.

While Britney was lying on the bathroom floor, he thought music could help. Specifically, his music. How emotionally intelligent and self aware!

He couldn’t keep it in his pants.

I’m seriously not sure how he got away with writing “Cry Me A River” when it sounds like tabloids showed him partying with other women every other weekend. Britney recalls photographs of him in a car with a woman from All Saints, and also reveals that he cheated with a famous actress, but she’s too classy to share her name.

It’s so classic MAN to be with a woman who is at the top of her game, and that’s still not enough for you. This is why we should always order dessert — examples like this just prove that no matter what we do, men will always want to cheat on us, so there is no point trying to keep them on the line by depriving ourselves of baked Alaska.

He founded the Justin Timberlake School of Avoidant Breakups.

Justin Timberlake walked so Joe Jonas could RUN!

He pulled out his Nokia 7210 to text his girlfriend of three years “it’s over!!!” instead of, I don’t know, giving her a call? Borrowing someone’s PJ to go see her in person? Ya’ll went through literal trauma together, and you’re ending things like an OC villain? SMH.

To add insult to injury, he sent the message while Britney was in the middle of shooting a music video, which meant she had to immediately go back to gyrating instead of processing her emotions. Impeccable timing.

He was eager to get back on the market while painting Britney as a tart.

Based on his alleged history of cheating, it’s not like Justin was ever really off the market to begin with, but as soon as he broke things off with Britney, he was bedding women everywhere he went. But while she was bombarded with harsh interview questions about their breakup implying she was a slutty miscreant, he was free to bone, bang, and bamboozle without an ounce of judgment.

Plus, he did a sexy Rolling Stone cover with her pop rival Christina Aguilera, which was honestly probably more rage-inducing than the sex spree — your nemesis and your ex is personal, like Taylor Swift having Sabrina Carpenter open for the Eras Tour after snaking Olivia Rodrigo.

He appropriated Black rhetoric in a desperate attempt to be cool.

God, I am so glad Britney included this detail because it is so embarrassing for him. Picturing a pasty-ass, frosted-tipped Justin Timberlake yelling “fo shiz!” is the humbling force that this sad excuse for a “man” so desperately needs.

In conclusion, Justin is finally getting his comeuppance after skating through life at the expense of women’s reputations for years. And the timing is perfect! Who wants an NSYNC reunion now, bucko?? Wishing him the best of luck with Trolls 2, lol.