Attention: If you or a loved one has been victimized by a Ken serenade, you may be entitled to financial compensation.
Watching Barbie brought out a lot of feelings, most of which occurred during the infamous Ken serenade. At that moment, a quick glance around the cinema proved that I was not the only one experiencing a severe case of cringe. Around me, everyone was nudging their friends, rolling their eyes, and audibly groaning.
It was the sweet, harmonizing groans of women who had all been in that exact position: being cornered by a seemingly attractive man who suddenly pulls a 180 and
emotionally scars you attempts to serenade you with a guitar.
Barbie gave me the space to open up about this traumatic experience, and in that, I realized I was not alone.
Let me start by clarifying that this is in no way your fault. We understand that you once dreamed about this exact moment. How could you not? You probably cried over Adam Sandler singing to Drew Barrymore in The Wedding Singer and wished that someone with even just the slightest semblance of musical talent would do that for you one day.
You’re not to blame — you’re a victim in this Ken serenade, and you deserve to be recognized as such.
We have suffered for far too long, maintaining extended eye contact and nodding along to the lack of a beat. We have listened to our names be rhymed with words that don’t exist, and the twang of a guitar that needed to be tuned when it was first bought from a thrift store.
We are now, rightfully, demanding compensation for the emotional damages inflicted. It is time we seek justice.
Co-conspirators Ed Sheeran and the guys who wrote “Wonderwall” will also be charged in the class-action suit, seeing as they are the true source of this epidemic.
The extent of your emotional compensation is dependent on the following factors:
- Was it an original song written for you or a cover?
- Was there prolonged eye contact?
- Were their nails painted while they strummed the guitar?
- Was a riff included in the performance?
- Did they manage to force a tear out?
- Did they
demand complimentsask for your opinion afterward?
- Were others there to witness your humiliation, or was it done in private?
- Was this a repeat occurrence?
- Are you aware if they used the same song on multiple victims?
- Was it “Collide” or anything by Dave Matthews Band?
Please mail in your answers to the following questions, as well as the name of the offender and the song title you were inflicted with. If it was an original song, simply write, “Will never be on Spotify.”
Thank you in advance for your openness and willingness to relive this traumatic experience. Together, we will have justice, and ensure Ken serenades stay where they belong on a screen.