If you had told me five months ago when the news of Kylie and Timothée first broke that they’d still be together today, I would’ve eaten my Birkin bag in disbelief (jk, I’m too middle class for that ish).
The Kylothée romance has been both messy and mysterious, like a centaur that had too many PBRs at a bonfire kickback. Earlier this summer there were rumors of a split between the two incongruous hotties, but that narrative was quickly dispelled, mirroring the classic middle school trope where you break up with your boyfriend before homeroom but are back together by the time PE rolls around.
Last night in LA, the duo shocked the nation when they made their public debut, sucking face in the VIP section at the Beyoncé concert. Which begs the question, if these two crazy kids are in this for more than just a casual summer fling, what on God’s green earth do they talk about? What could a lip kit mogul and an Oscar-nominated wunderkind possibly have in common?
To quell our collective curiosity and find some inner peace, I brainstormed 25 topics and conversation starters for Hollywood’s newest mismatched lovebirds:
- Would you rather only be able to eat stone fruits for the rest of your life or only be able to drink Sunny-D for the rest of your life?
- How they each would have personally escaped Burning Man
- The most embarrassing song choices they’ve seen celebs use on Raya
- The various perks of their favorite Illuminati-level elite credit cards
- Timothée’s fanboy questions about the various rappers Kylie has hooked up with
- If Elon or Zuck would win in the cage fight, and how many millions of dollars they would bet on the outcome
- Impressions of Bad Bunny telling Kendall to watch out for mosquitos
- A Q&A about the nuanced geopolitics of the Dune cinematic universe
- Their best posing strategies for avoiding a double chin in pap shots
- Would you rather get dragged on DeuxMoi every day for six months, or never get mentioned again
- The difference between lip oil and lip plumper
- Timothée’s vulnerable story about those NYU chlamydia rumors
- Kylie’s empowering story about her decision to get lip filler
- Exotic animals they’ve considered buying as pets (Kylie: Python; Timothée: Capybara)
- If the Oscars’ ceremony is really as boring as it looks
- If they had to create their own Ocean’s 11-style heist crew, which of their celebrity friends they would enlist
- How Kris would give her pinky toe for Timothée to appear on season 3 of The Kardashians
- If Drake is as corny IRL as the memes suggest
- Ranking the private rooms of every Nobu location
- Would you rather only be able to text with your toes, or only be able to drive with your elbows?
- Their favorite strains of weed (Timothée: Ice Cream Cake; Kylie: They’re all the same)
- How long they think they’d last on Hot Ones
- A pitch for a Willy Wonka-themed Kylie Bar that makes your butt grow three sizes
- Which celebrities are secretly flat earthers
- Do you ever think about dying?