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When it comes to sex, I don’t need to tell you there are a lot of different ways to have it. Fast sex! Slow sex! Sweaty sex! Shower sex! Super hot, “brag about to your friends at brunch” sex, and “lazily put your hand down your pants while watching Bridgerton” sex. And while there are a lot (like, a lot a lot) of ways to get off, what works for one person might not work for someone else. But luckily, there’s a way to figure out how you should elevate your sex game without actually trying that hard, thanks, of course, to zodiac signs.

Now, it doesn’t matter whether you believe in astrology or not (*cough* liar *cough*). The truth is, your sign is actually majorly telling when it comes to not only your personality, but your sexual appetite. In fact, if your 2023 goal is to have actually good sex, then selecting the toy for your sign is not only smart, but it’s fate. And since the stars told me you’d be here (and yes, by stars I mean my editor), here’s what your sign thinks you should try this year. Don’t thank me for having the best sex of your life. Thank *~the universe~*.

Fire Signs: Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius

As the name suggests, fire signs are known for bringing the heat and taking calculated risks, so now’s the time to retire your shower head and do something a little more daring. Trust us, you can do better than your apartment’s mediocre water pressure. 

Aries

As the very first sign of the zodiac, it’s no surprise Aries is all about being coming first. You know. Literally. Even though you’re a little impatient at times, that’s just because you’re looking out for #1, and when it comes to getting off, that’s absolutely not a bad thing. In fact, it’s low-key essential. IDK about you, but the last time someone made sure I orgasmed first was never.

Whether you’re hooking up with someone or just going at it solo, you need a toy that’ll get the job done fast, because according to you, if you’re not first, you’re… well, you’re always first, so the rest of that’s irrelevant. That’s why you need a wand vibrator. This iconic style has 20 vibration options and can be used all over your body to scratch that sexual itch fast. Your playful side will love the sparkly blue and pink options, and your selfish side will love the fact that it’ll get you off in mere seconds.

Shop It: Keenigh Cordless Wand Massager, $41, Amazon

Leo

Even if you know jack shit about the zodiac, you probably know Leo is represented by a lion. And while, like a lion, Leos tend to spend way too much energy on their hair and for some reason always want to nap in the sun, you’re also the queen of playing cat and mouse. The chase is half the fun for you, and once you’ve captured your prey a partner, you like to run the show. And thankfully, there’s an easy way to lean into your bossy tendencies that can double as sexiness: BDSM.

Take the role of a dominatrix and incorporate some powerplay in 2023. Not only do you get to call the shots, but it actually counts as erotic so like, win-win. To get your full Leo-ness, grab a pair of fuzzy cuffs to keep your minion(s) in place.

 Shop It: Rbenxia Adjustable Handcuffs, $7.85, Amazon

Sagittarius

Hi Sag, so good of you to make it. You know, since committing to something—anything—isn’t your best quality. Since you’re probably skimming this while waiting in line at the airport, watching Netflix, or pretending to pay attention in a Zoom meeting, I’ll cut to the chase: You need something that can keep up with your restless ways. With an attention span as robust as a goldfish’s and a constant need to go out and explore, a clunky sex toy or accessory that’s going to weigh you down are big nos. What you need is something sleek, portable, and fast. Enter: the Vesper vibrating necklace from Crave.

At a glance, it just looks like a chic cylinder necklace, but upon closer inspection, you’ll notice a little button that when pressed, turns the charm into your clitoris’ new BFF. Not only is it super quiet and easy to clean, but it’s USB rechargeable so you don’t have to worry about international plugs when you’re off chasing your next #wanderlust whim.

Shop it: Crave Vesper Vibrator Necklace, $149, Amazon

Earth Signs: Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn

The most grounded of the signs, earth signs tend to gravitate toward anything classic, understated, and sophisticated. While you’re not likely to see a glow-in-the-dark ball gag here, there are still plenty of ways to get off if you like to keep things a little more vanilla and a little less “smack my ass and call me by your ex’s name.”

Taurus

When it comes to basically anything in your life, you expect the absolute best absolutely all the time. Things like massages, subscription boxes, and “just because” peonies are your bread and butter, and if it doesn’t make you feel like a pampered f*cking princess, it’s not for you. While there aren’t a ton of sex toys out there that’ll meet your standards, Big Shocked’s rose vibrator will impress even your fancy-ass taste.

The iconic floral shape—which can be used for external stimulation—has 18 vibrations and comes in four different colors (red, black, purple and pink), but it’s the extras of the toy that’ll actually make a Taurus like you interested. It has nine different sucking modes that’ll only amp up the vibes, and is waterproof if you want to take it for a spin in the bath. 

Shop It: Big Shocked Rose Clitoral Stimulating Vibrator, $29.99, Amazon

Virgo

The fact that a Virgo is here reading this is a major win. As Type-As with a desire to please, sex toys—especially out-of-the-box sex toys—might make you feel a little squirrely. No matter how clean and uncomplicated you are, though, we know deep down even you like to get dirty every now and again (as long as there’s plenty of hand sanny around, ofc). That’s why a simple yet elevated vibrator that you don’t have to panic about if you leave it on your dresser is the move.

Maude’s mini vibrator is so discreet, so you can toss it in your purse, or suitcase, or pocket, and you don’t have to worry if someone stumbles across it because it looks hella inconspicuous. And as far as using it, it’s about as simple as vibrators get. The singular button sifts through the different speeds/settings and the entire silicone body is waterproof so it’s all good for that shower cry you have to have in order to destress after a day of perfectionism.

Shop It: Maude Drop Vibrator, $49, Sephora

Capricorn

Hardworking, ambitious, and practical, as a Capricorn you’ve had it all since you started beating out all the slackers for awards and promotions. While some people might accuse you of being too calculated, you know the truth: Hard work + a logical brain = getting everything you’ve ever wanted. And this year, we want you to have lots and lots of really good sex. But because you need data and numbers to determine whether or not it’s *actually* good, a smart IA vibe like the Lioness is where it’s at.

Basically, the toy, which looks like your typical rabbit vibrator, uses built-in sensors to literally track your arousal and orgasms. You then sync it to the app where you can see the data behind your sesh and discover ways to—get this—get better at orgasming. If the thought of looking at your pleasure charted on a freaking graph doesn’t get your Capricorn nipples hard, the fact that the company’s slogan is “never measured, never improved” should do it.

Shop it: The Lioness Vibrator 2.0, $229, Lioness

Air Signs: Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius

Right this way, weirdos. As the unique, innovative, and delightfully strange ones of the zodiac, air signs are the folks most likely to let their freak flags fly really fucking high. For them, the more unexpected, the better—and sex is no exception. 

Gemini

Geminis tend to get a bad rap for being fickle, but you know what others fail to see: That your whim-chasing personality is a mf gift. Instead of constantly overanalyzing, you like to just go, whether that means snagging concert tix you can’t afford or kissing people you shouldn’t. Since your desires—and partners—are always changing, one toy probably won’t cut it. That’s why you need an unexpected sex toy multi-pack in your 2023 life. 

From the company Cute Little Fuckers (perfect name), these strange yet adorable (like you!) vibrators work with anybody and any gender, so if your sexual preferences or partners ebb and flow, these toys will still have you covered. Plus, the different shapes mean you can try everything from penetrative masturbation to inserting a fake purple octopus up your ass. And let’s be real, if anyone’s going to love playful sex toys that could double as stoner animation, it’s you.

Shop it: Cute Little Fuckers Poly Pack, $199, Cute Little Fuckers

Libra

Romantic yet indecisive, Libras could never go for a standard vibrator because not only do you want options, but you want those options to *mean* something. What’s the point if it doesn’t involve chest-heaving passion, dammit?! Having so many feelings is exhausting, isn’t it? Luckily, you’re not alone. In fact, couple’s kits are a major component of basically every sex retailer because finding new and exciting ways to connect with someone is kinda the point. That’s why a sensual multipack, like Adam & Eve’s Lovers Kit, is huge for a flirty little thang like you.

The kit comes with everything from a bullet vibrator to anal beads to a penis ring, all of which can be used with your partner du jour. Grab yourself a scented candle and set the vibes for a year of constantly changing sexual experiences that go beyond just hooking up and gazing into each others’ eyes. You can connect! Emotionally! With sex toys! Libra, your time is now.

Shop It: Adam & Eve Lovers Kit, $22.76, Amazon

Aquarius

As the certified Aquarian of pretty much any group, I’m here to tell you the rumors are true: We’re just as non-conforming and independent as these types of roundups make us seen. The worst thing that can happen to an Aquarius is they feel like everyone else, so an outside-the-box sex toy is the only way to actually please you. Enter Lelo’s ENIGMA, with a name as fitting as the toy design.

The chrome purple vibrator looks straight-up futuristic, and the fact that it can deliver different types of orgasms depending on how you use it is right up an Aquarian’s ally. The best part is, if you roll up to a sex sesh with this bad boy, I can guarantee your partner will have never seen anything like it, thus making you the coolest, most unique person they’ve ever been with. Not that you aren’t already, but still, it’s nice to have your bases covered.

Shop it: Enigma, $159, Lelo

Water Signs: Pisces, Cancer, and Scorpio

Why are water signs so emotional? Because they’re always crying. Kidding! Sort of! Truthfully though, when it comes to feeling the feels and getting all sentimental, no one gets mushy quite like these H20 signs.

Pisces

Poor, exhausted Pisces. From always saying “yes” to plans you wish you could ditch and constantly trying to find ways to express your creative side, those bags under your eyes have taken up permanent residency. It’s a good thing Gen-Z decided they were cool though, especially because trends are basically your blood type. It’s not so much that you like what everyone likes, but it’s honestly just easier than constantly searching for the next thing to inspire you. That’s why 2022 is the time for you to chill TF.

Since you’re already big on baths (hello—they’re trendy and your symbol is a fish), why not incorporate something that’ll reduce your bubble time stress even more? Lovability’s WaterSlyde is a literal slide you attach to your bath faucet that directs that sweet sweet water stream to *exactly* the right spot. So not only is it sustainable, one-of-a-kind, and doesn’t require a charger (which you lent to your friend last week), but it’s also no-frills, which means less stress and more screaming in ecstasy from the water.

Shop it: WaterSlyde Aquatic Stimulator, $35, Lovability

Cancer

The tricky thing with Cancers and sex toys is that typically when you have sex, you like there to be a connection. Not every time—you’re not a nun or anything. But a deep, passionate, tear-my-heart-out-and-eat-it-with-blood-running-down-your-face kind of love isn’t too much to ask, is it? Not at all. And while things are great when you have it, losing it is pretty much a travesty. That’s why 2023 is going to be the year we bridge the gap between letting go of the past and hanging onto it for dear fucking life. To do this, you need a human penis (preferably one attached to a human you love, or at least like) and a DIY dildo kit.

The point here is you’re going to make a mold of your beloved’s penis that will then become a dildo you can use for the rest of your life. Think about it. Years later when you’re looking through your memory boxes of pictures and letters, you can whip out this baby and remember what it was like to get laid by whatever person isn’t texting you back quickly enough right now. No, it’s not exactly healthy, but hey, at least it’s better than stalking (which you really need to stop doing, BTW). 

Shop It: Clone-a-Willy DIY Dildo Kit, $35.69, Amazon

Scorpio

Last but literally never least is the most passionate sign of the zodiac. As a Scorpio, you probably read the rest of this article like “…and?” Very little surprises you because, duh, you are the surprise, and picking a sex toy that you either haven’t tried or haven’t considered trying is near impossible. As the sign least likely to shy away from a dildo or blush at the idea of buying a vibrator, your chaotic personality calls for a toy as delightful as it is terrifying: an anal training kit.

Whether or not you’ve already ventured into backdoor play, this kit from Amazon is made to turn butt play beginners into straight-up pros for anal sex, penetrative pleasure, or simply bragging rights. And if you get bored using it on yourself, insist your newest plaything try it out. Because if anyone can get their partner to shove a giant, 6″ anal plug up their ass, it’s you.

Shop It: YossPoss Butt Plug Trainer Kit, $16.99, Amazon

Editor’s Note: This post has been updated with new information in April 2023. It was originally written by Rachel Varina

Images: Nuria Seguí / Stocksy.com; adameve.com; lewandmassager.com (2); cloneawilly.com; lovabilityinc.com; lelo.com; lovehoney.com (2); cutelittlefuckers.com; lioness.io; lovecrave.com (2); zalousa.com 

Raise your hand if you’ve felt personally victimized by the lack of attention given to your lady bean during any given sack sesh, because same. Ladies, we are SO much more than a freshly waxed b-hole, so now is the time to put an end to the nurturing of his needs and take control this summer. Saturdays might be for the boys, but we legit just got a whole season dedicated to us and doing hot girl sh*t, so suck it, Chad.

Speaking of douchebags, I once read an Instagram meme that said, “I chose to sleep with him not because I have no respect for myself, but because I have no respect for him,” and I truly felt that one deep down to my inner labia (don’t tell my husband). It’s 2021 and finally time to start giving your sexual needs the same amount of respect you give to your vibrator after faking it for the billionth time. Put the toy back in the drawer, because your pleasure is about to be served on a silver platter with these six femme-first positions.  

Double The Pleasure

Hot take: Reverse cowgirl sucks (and don’t @ me). The amount of quad-inducing labor involved is my actual worst nightmare, and don’t even get me started on the awkward insertion angles. That said, with a few tweaks, you can perfect the task of becoming the Annie Oakley of your very own Wild, Wild West fantasy while riding yourself to completion.

According to Jen Landa, M.D., author of The Sex Drive Solution for Women, Double The Pleasure is god’s gift to maximum female stimulation because, hi, it’s about damn time. Here’s the gist: Start off as you would in typical reverse cowgirl, but stretch out one leg while the other knee is still bent beside your partner. Have them bend one leg up so that you’re basically straddling the raised leg with a thigh on either side and voilà, you’ve got a prop to stabilize yourself while rocking their world.

Best part of all? Their thigh also doubles as your own personal cat-scratching post. Landa dubbed this position “reverse cowgirl with a twist”, which allows for optimal clitoral stimulation that will 10/10 make your actual kitty purr with satisfaction. I swear, that’s my last cat pun.

The Edge of Reason

If I had a dollar for every time my husband whined about his stiff neck as a result of oral sex, let’s just say I wouldn’t be praying to the big man upstairs every night for a fourth stimmy check. The Edge of Reason is the G.O.A.T. of oral sex that allows you to keep an open mind, but mostly open legs, all while giving your partner’s neck the mobility of an overactive bobble head doll.

 It’s as simple as laying on your back at the edge of any surface of your choosing. Depending on the height of the surface, this gives them the option to kneel, sit, stand… hell, they can even strike a yoga pose. With their face buried in your bed of roses, this gives their hands the freedom to roam about the cabin.

Pro tip: Prop your feet up on your partner’s shoulders for more balance, clitoral accessibility and a one-way ticket to Climax City.  

The Captain

Ladies, it’s time to take back the power we were legit never given at any point in history and take charge of this MFing ship. You may not be working with the spatial capacity of an actual ship, but thankfully this oral sex position doesn’t discriminate against small spaces or dumpy studio apartments, so really, as long as you’ve got an empty wall—or, IDK, a door that closes—you’re good to go.

While in a standing position, lean your back against a wall/door/for the love of god, just something sturdy. Have your partner kneel in front of you, and if I have to explain what comes next, we’ve got bigger issues here. Once the show starts, let the curtains fully open by resting a leg comfortably over your partner’s shoulder. This gives them much more room for work and a straight shot to the buried treasure.

The Good Ex

At the moment, the only person on the planet capable of having a good ex is probably J.Lo, but you’ll soon believe in miracles after the formation of two bodies into an X shape leaves you with more satisfaction than your ex ever could. For this position, sit up facing each other with your legs forward. This is where it gets tricky: Bring your right leg over your partner’s left leg and leave your left leg under their right leg. Both of you lie back while your legs naturally form an ‘X’ as you come together.

The female orgasm is not a sprint and is definitely not achieved by attempting to bust down the gates of the cervix with a goddamn tree trunk. With the combination of slow gyrations and the ability to rub against your partner at the pace of your liking, your arousal will build, and the sensations will triple in intensity. Trust me, the likelihood of having regrets from this particular X are slim to none.

 The Ommm

The Ommm, typically pronounced with a drawn out ‘mmmm’, is more commonly known as the Lotus, but with one minor adjustment that’ll hands down result in one major zen. Leave the jackhammering in the junkyard for this tantric joyride position that’s all about vibing with your chakras (or simultaneous orgasms, if chakra talk isn’t your thing).  

In order to achieve prime peak, have your partner sit cross-legged as you secure yourself onto their lap with your legs wrapped around their body. While hugging each other, rocking is key as you take full control and allow the spiritual energy to flow between you and your partner. K, enough of the yogi talk, if you wanna ho it up a little, give them a full show by grabbing their hands and taking turns leaning back and forth while grinding against each other. With the different angles, your g-spot will surely namaste in its happy place.   

Pretzel Dip

There are times where I truly don’t know which is more pleasurable, sex or food (again, don’t tell my husband), but this position basically gives you the best of both worlds. To achieve this delicacy, lie on one side while your partner kneels facing you and straddling your leg that is resting on the bed. Bring your opposite leg across both your bodies and curl it around their body.

The Pretzel Dip is the perfect appetizer for female pleasure because it gives doggy style-like penetration while still being able to maintain intimate eye contact. Plus, with your legs slightly more ajar, it allows for ample clitoral stimulation, toy usage, and/or casual grinding. Ok, so food technically isn’t involved, but you’ll probably work up an appetite after that mind-blowing orgasm, so there’s that.

Images: Alexey Kuzma / Stocksy.com; Giphy (3)

From the moment Sex/Life dropped to Netflix on June 25, horny people everywhere have been blind to the fact that it’s problematic because, you know, there’s a lot of sex in it. Pool sex! Car sex! Elevator (almost) sex! Even though you can see nipples and giant penises in every porn on the internet (seriously, what was going on with Brad’s huge d*ck in episode 3?), seeing it on Netflix is shocking, I guess?

Quick recap, in case you were too busy clicking through speeds on your vibrator to follow the “storyline”: Billie (Sarah Shahi) is married to Cooper (Mike Vogel), and the couple has two children (one of whom is a very annoying little kid who honestly needs to learn boundaries). Since having children, Cooper seems uninterested in sex, so Billie starts writing in her journal (which is just a Word doc on her unlocked computer) about her past relationship with bad boy Brad (Adam Demos).

While the plot itself is not great (so not great, in fact, that it’s actually kinda f*cked-up), there are a lot of other really strange things going on that make absolutely no sense. You might not have caught them because you were too busy orgasming on your couch, but luckily, I’m a fantastic multi-tasker. Cartoonishly big schlongs aside, here are a few Sex/Life elements I quite literally cannot wrap my head around.

1. Billie Doesn’t Use Lube

Now I’m not lube-free-sex-shaming, but the sheer lack of lube in the show is sus. I’m not even 30, and I’ve never had kids, but I basically use a whole bottle before even thinking about penetration. Blame it on hormone-zapping birth control or just plain getting older, but I’ve been on the lube train for quite a while. Maybe Billie is the wettest b*tch there ever was (which like, respect). But come on… for someone so apparently sex-positive, it just seems kinda ridic that she’s having amazing penetration after about five seconds of foreplay without a little help.

2. Billie Gets Turned On By A Random FaceTime Of Brad’s D*ck

Personally, I find few things to be less arousing than opening my phone and randomly being greeted by a surprise penis. I’d quite literally rather have a yeast infection than have to unexpectedly see a picture or video of a peen and then have to respond to whichever insecure guy thought this was a good idea. It’s exhausting to even think about. First of all, just to be the party police, unsolicited d*ck pics are considered harassment (and illegal, in some states), not to mention they’re just awkward. I’ve never seen an image of a d*ck and thought, “Wow, I really want to get me some of that.” Ever. Ever! Not even on a good day, and not even with a good d*ck.

Granted, in Billie’s situation, she accepted Brad’s FaceTime, but when he started revealing his junk, she wasn’t like, “Woah man, I’m married” or even like, “Oh my God, are we gonna get flirty?” Instead, she literally GOT TURNED ON by unexpectedly seeing her ex’s pubes on her iPhone. He’s just sitting there flashing his penis and expecting you to fawn over it? No, girl. I’m calling bullsh*t.

3. And She Watched Her Friend F*ck Brad via FaceTime

Speaking of nonconsensual sexting, how about that time Brad FaceTimed Billie and propped up the phone so she could secretly watch him and her best friend, Sasha (Margaret Odette), have sex against a doorframe? And after Billie watched and masturbated, she told Sasha, who acted like it was NBD that, not only did the guy she was hooking up with film her having sex without her knowledge, but her best friend watched it live — and jerked it — again, without her knowledge. Who are these people? Does no one have boundaries or sh*tty wifi? If I told my bestie I watched her f*ck my ex without her knowledge, I’m sure I would be the proud new recipient of a restraining order and a lawsuit, friendship aside.

4. Billie Consistently Gets Off In Missionary

The last I checked, it’s hard for most women to get off by penetration alone. In fact, only 18% find it sufficient to warrant an orgasm.  It seems, however, Billie is part of that lucky group. Sure, in her defense, she credits this to Brad’s proficiency in the Coital Alignment Technique (CAT). “There are whole books written on the subject, which either Brad read or never needed to,” Billie says. “But when done right, it provides the ultimate connection, both physical and emotional. I felt closer to him than I had to anyone.”

In reality, the CAT is just a modified version of missionary where the guy is positioned higher up so the base of his penis rubs against her clitoris. But that’s not the only type of missionary sex they’re having. So, even when Brad’s not practicing the (very hard to master) technique, Billie still gets off in mere seconds from penetration? Checks out.

5. Billie’s Husband Goes On A Double Date With Brad

Going on a double date with most people is torture (the small talk, the discussion of splitting the check, the awkward seating arrangements), but going on one with your wife’s ex who she keeps fantasizing about, and her best friend who’s now f*cking said ex? In what world? It’s honestly sadistic. Out of four adults, one person would have to be like, “Yeah, this isn’t going to go well, let’s not do this” and put their foot down. But no! Everyone goes, and surprise! Things don’t go well. Honestly, I’d love to fake invite my husband to that dinner, just to see his reaction. Or maybe I wouldn’t, because that’s grounds for divorce IMO.

6. The Subway Track Scene

I don’t care how hot someone is, if they pulled me down onto a train track, as a train is coming toward me, I would 1000% be seeing their ass in court. I don’t know what for, but I would sue that MFer. What if a piece of metal was jutting out of the side? What if Billie didn’t get to the little nook in time? What if they stumbled while making out as the speeding train whizzed by? While I get there’s a level of hotness to danger, that’s reserved for like, riding a Vespa or wearing white on your period, not for nearly getting squashed by a train to make out with a guy who will literally have sex with you anytime, anywhere. 

7. Billie And Cooper Didn’t Discuss Rules Before Going To The Sex Club

At first, it seemed like their friends sprung the whole sex party thing on Billie and Cooper, but during a later fight, it’s brought up that they both agreed to go. What it doesn’t sound like, however, is that they had any sort of conversation before stepping into the new situation. 101 for that kind of thing is talking before attending. It’s obvious they didn’t have any rules laid out and then just didn’t communicate while they were there. I’m sorry, having sex in front of people in that situation is pretty standard, but not wanting to do that is cool. Getting sucked off by your wife’s friend while she watches and cries isn’t as standard.

Also! The show making it seem like that’s what happens at sex clubs is low-key f*cked-up. For 99% of people, it’s something they choose to do together, but go on, Netflix! Let’s add another layer of insecurities for people who are having normal and consensual non-monogamous sex. Le sigh.

8. Cooper Just Keeps Reading Billie’s Journal

Sure, fool me twice, shame on me. But like, not really, because Brad is literally violating his wife’s privacy. Regardless, after reading Billie’s Word doc journal, he freaks TF and plays the victim, even though uh, you snooped, sir. Yes, it’s unsettling to see your wife is writing about her old relationship, but she actually didn’t do anything wrong in that regard.

That aside, whatever. People snoop, that’s not so far-fetched. What is unrealistic, however, is the fact that Cooper not only reads Billie’s journal, but she knows he’s reading it, and he knows she knows he’s reading it, and he just keeps reading it, and she just keeps writing in it. This is just straight-up masochistic. Yes, he should be cut loose for snooping, but I’d also maybe stop writing scandy things (at least in the same place) if I knew my S.O. was being a little lurking b*tch, but that’s just me.

9. Billie Doesn’t Have A F*cking Lock On Her Computer

Cooper’s snooping brings me to the most unrealistic, absurd element of the entire show: Billie’s “journal.” This smart woman is writing her feelings down in a simple word document she leaves up on her computer. Her computer that doesn’t have a lock screen. And the same computer she just leaves lying on the counter for anyone to open and use.

Billie’s a professional. What professional doesn’t have a lock on their computer? What non-professional doesn’t? You have sensitive emails and bank statements and in her case, musings about your ex on there! And after her hubs snooped, you’d think she’d spend one second to go into settings and whip up a password based on her childhood pet, but nope! Billie just keeps writing in her little doc on her computer that she leaves out and expects her insecure husband not to snoop. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE AND HOW IS SHE GIVING LECTURES?

What it all comes down to is this: Sex/Life is no Bridgerton, and if these people lived in the world of Lady Whistledown, it wouldn’t have taken an entire season for their relationship to crumble. And honestly? They’d probably be having a hell of a lot better sex, too.

Images: COURTESY OF NETFLIX (2)

Are you bisexual? Congratulations! It’s amazing, despite the occasional (okay, frequent) bouts of imposter syndrome that often enjoy creeping into any queer person’s brain. And while there’s no one way to be bisexual (the LGBTQ+ spectrum is, in fact, a spectrum), I’ve found that many bi people, myself included, have experienced some form of feeling “not queer enough.”

If you can relate, know that your feelings about being a “queer imposter” say less about you and more about our historically heteronormative environment. Bierasure, or bisexual invisibility, is a very real issue in which the existence of a person’s bisexuality is questioned, mislabeled, or straight-up snubbed. And the pervasiveness of this unfortunate social phenomenon can happen in subtle (but v frustrating) ways. 

When I grew up there were virtually no three-dimensional queer characters on TV. The glossy magazines that slipped into the hands of teen girls (Tiger Beat, J-14, you remember) were painfully heteronormative and made it seem like crushing on the opposite gender was the only course of action. At my high school, the two gay boys were stereotyped, the one lesbian ostracized. Forget anything in between. And so, I did what I thought all “normal girls” were supposed to do—I pursued boys. 

But in retrospect, the crushes I felt toward those who weren’t cishet males were equally frequent, just as deliciously lucid as the ones I experienced with those who were. I’m confident that my first inkling of bisexuality happened when I was 15 and at a sleepaway theatre camp, a breeding ground for sexual awakenings. I befriended a girl in my cast, and her frosty blue eyes and mermaid-length hair ignited foreign feelings of both desire and admiration. We spent nearly every afternoon with one another, sharing Chipwiches at the Canteen and counting stars from the picnic tables during evening rec. I knew she was crushing on one of the boys in our play, so I was nonplussed when she mentioned her ex-girlfriend. 

“Wait a minute,” I said, brimming with internalized biphobia and heteronormativity. “You can like both?” 

“Well, yeah,” she said. And while my ignorance likely shattered any remaining chance I had with her, something inside me began to shift. Though it would take me years to finally work up the courage to date girls, in the back of my mind, I knew I had the option. It wasn’t until a few years ago, after a gut-wrenching breakup with a man, that I decided to translate my bi-curiosities into action and start dating women. Through sex-positive dating apps, threesomes, and conversations with my newly formed bi community, I learned that sexuality was more nuanced and fluid than I had ever imagined. 

And yet, when I started dating a cishet man (again), I began to wonder if my queerness was no longer valid. Perhaps the media had been right and my bisexuality really was just a phase. I no longer believe this, but all of that internalized biphobia really got to me. 

Fortunately, I had already built a community of fluid folks, many of whom were also still navigating their place within the LGBTQ+ spectrum. Over mimosas and through DMs with other queer friends, I’ve learned that I was not alone. “Queer imposter syndrome” or feeling “not queer enough” affects more than just bisexual people, though that’s where most of my familiarity with it lies. Even the LGBTQ+ community, as wonderful as it is, often contributes to feelings of imposter syndrome through forms of “gatekeeping” or suggesting that a person needs to behave a certain way in ordered to identify as queer. 

Unfortunately, this combo of gatekeeping and bierasure are major contributions to imposter syndrome. Maybe you think your sexuality is less valid because your partner is straight, or because you’ve never hooked up with someone of the same sex. Maybe you’ve simply internalized the (very false) notion that bisexuality is nonexistent/a phase/insert other annoying and harmful descriptors. In whatever case, don’t believe it, bb. Bisexuality is simply being attracted not exclusively to people of one particular gender, and these other genders could include people of the opposite sex, the same sex, or non-binary or trans folks. You don’t need to hook up with anyone or date anyone to prove this attraction, because queerness isn’t defined by our relationships or our actions. It’s about our values, our identity, and how we choose to show up in this world. 

That said, imposter syndrome suuuuucks and is often linked to depression and anxiety, so it’s important to take it seriously. I’m only one queer person with one experience. Yet, I want to share some of the things that have helped me cope with not feeling enough and that have encouraged me to embrace my beautiful fluidity. 

Be skeptical of the stereotypes.

Like many (if not all) groups on the LGBTQ+ spectrum, bisexual people are often lumped into troublesome stereotypes. They are often labeled as exceptionally horny or more likely to cheat; our bisexuality is dismissed as a phase or being secretly gay. Even seemingly harmless stereotypes or microaggressions (like asking someone how they know they’re queer if they’ve never hooked up with someone of the same sex) can make you feel less valid in your sexuality. 

Ask yourself where you first heard this messaging and if it’s trustworthy. Most of the time, we learn of these stereotypes from television or word-of-mouth from someone who doesn’t know what TF they are talking about. 

Comparison is the thief of queer joy.

If you’re newly stepping into your bisexuality, there’s a chance you’ll compare the attraction you feel toward same-sex, trans, or gender-fluid folks to the desire you’ve previously felt to cis people of the opposite sex. If these attractions don’t feel similar, you might question your bisexuality. For example, when I went on my first real date with a woman, I also experienced waves of kinship and admiration that I hadn’t felt when I dated men. These foreign feelings sent me into a tailspin, and I thought, “maybe I don’t wanna make out with her.” (Spoiler alert: I did, we hooked up, and it was great.)

Remind yourself that bisexuality isn’t a combination of hetero and homosexuality—bisexuality, and any identity on the LGBTQ+, is its own very cool and unique thing. Ditch the comparison and be proud of yourself for being your own brand of queer.  

Find ways to build your queer community.

I’m not saying you need to go to a Pride event, get drunk on rainbow cocktails, and make out with as many people as you can find. (Though TBH that sounds sort of fun.) I mean get out there, either digitally or IRL, and try to connect with other bi or queer people who can empathize with your experience.

Though Instagram certainly has its shortcomings, social media is a tool for expanding your network and bearing witness to the various looks, lifestyles, and relationship configurations within the queer community. (@shegotthepink, @haleyjakobson, @most, @gabalexa and my account @cozycaravan are all very safe spaces for bi people!) Personally, I’m a fan of bi Reddit—it’s a super supportive online community where you can sync up with other bi ppl who will validate your experience. (Plus online anonymity gives off major Gossip Girl vibes.) 

If you’re ready to connect with people in the real world, then reach out to trusted friends or people you know in the queer community and see if they want to hang. When I started coming to terms with my sexuality, I realized that there were so many other queer folks out there who could empathize with my negative self-talk. We were able to validate one another, and then, in turn, ourselves. 

Tell the haters in your head to fuck off.

Okay, I know it sounds cliché and a little annoying—but you’ve got to validate yourself.  Combating negative self-talk is a practice, so try to get into the habit of acknowledging any self-criticism. When you have a thought in your head telling you that you aren’t queer or bi “enough,” take a step back and say something like “That’s interesting. Why do I believe that?” 

If therapy is available to you, finding a queer-affirming therapist or counselor can be wildly beneficial in building tools so that you can start to collect more methods in coping with bouts of imposter syndrome. I’ve also found comfort in unlearning my internalized biphobia by consuming books, films, and television shows with nuanced, queer characters. Euphoria, Feel Good, Insecure, and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend are all examples of shows that are demonstrating a more fluid (and honest) portrayal of queerness and bisexuality. 

I’ve found that approaching my negative self-talk with curiosity rather than judgment or shame offered some emotional distance from the thoughts, and allowed me to redirect my thoughts towards something validating. 

Ignore this entire list.

Honestly, ignore all of the advice I just gave you. I’m just one person and only know so much about being bisexual. You could literally do nothing on this list and still be “bi enough.”  There are no benchmarks for queerness, only queer people. In whatever messy, fluid, and beautiful ways we might exist. 

Images: Sharon McCutcheon / Unsplash

If you haven’t seen Netflix’s new show Bridgerton, based on the books by Julia Quinn, please give me the address to the rock you’re living under so I can move there too and avoid the news, and then stop reading this and go watch it. It debuted on Christmas Day and I’m already re-watching it just to keep listening to their accents. 

For you poor unfortunate souls who haven’t finished yet, the show is basically Gossip Girl reimagined in 1800s London during the debutante season. It’s full of period costumes that feature women laced up in corsets like they’re being hog-tied but somehow despite that, there is sexual tension galore, especially between the main characters, Simon Hastings (aka regulation hottie Regé-Jean Page) and Daphne Bridgerton, played by Phoebe Dynevor.

From smoldering glances across ballrooms and the thrill of his *gasp* hand touching yours, there are plenty of moments considered hot and fiery for the time period. This is what dreams are made of: sigh-inducing professions of love and old-fashioned flowery language, plus they take their clothes off. Outstanding. And while we can’t all go out there and sleep with a Duke whenever we want (ugh), there are a few royally inspiring ways to manifest that sexual tension with these recommendations based on the hottest Simon and Daphne love scenes. Please know that some of these positions contain spoilers. On that note, let us make haste, indeed. 

Scene 1: Episode 5, “The Duke and I”

This episode marks the first sex scene we get of new Duchess and her husband the Duke, and it also happens to be when Daphne loses her virginity. I know that doesn’t sound hot, but the scene manages to encompass that this woman has been lusting after Simon for, like, weeks now, and now she’s finally married to him (LOL at those 1800s marital timelines), feeling more safe, and is ready to let her freak flag fly. In a previous episode where she’s pestering Simon to fill her in on the mystery of sex, he suggests she start with touching herself and see where that takes her. (A very astute suggestion, especially for 1813.) Daphne not only takes this sage advice but tells him during this scene that when she touches herself at night, she thinks of him. For someone who’s never seen a penis until literally just now, girl’s got some moves.

Recommendation: This one writes itself: have him watch while you lay back and *ahem* show him (or her, these tips are not just for heterosexual couples) what you like. It’s simple, it’s hot, it’s foolproof. For an added incentive, set a timer on your phone and say they can’t touch you until it goes off. Once it does, go to town and for bonus points, use a warming or sensation-enhancing lube. You know the Duchess would do the same if it was invented back then.

Scene 2: Episode 6, “Swish”

Once Daphne gets the hang of things, I’m happy to say that we get an entire montage of her and Simon doing the dirty in the thrill of their honeymoon. To be fair, if we still casually married people we’d only known for about a month these days, and during the honeymoon you were lucky enough to realize how attracted you were to each other, the amount of sex you’d be having would be insane. Plus, they’re both super rich and have basically nothing else to do but get it on in the rain inside some kind of outdoor gazebo mid-downpour to a violin instrumental of Taylor Swift’s “Wildest Dreams”. They have about a million rooms with beds to choose from since they also live in an enormous mansion, but you do you. 

Recommendation: In the spirit of engaging other senses, I’m going to suggest a Fifty Shades of Grey-esque strategy here. From the books, not the movies, and don’t worry, it doesn’t involve rain or cold flagstone. Have your partner blindfold you to start with, but then in addition to removing your sight (and clothes, I hope I don’t need to specify that), up the ante with some auditory control. Insert AirPods or whatever headphones you prefer and then play the music of your choice while your partner controls what you hear and then feel—preferably, something sensual and powerful. The Bridgerton instrumental playlist is on Spotify and violin-based classical is a good choice for this experience, just saying.

Scene 3: Episode 6, “Swish”

As the sex montage continues, the scenery changes and we get a situation where Daphne is on a ladder, I’m assuming in the library or study, while Simon goes down on her until she pulls him face to face to finish things with their clothes on. Girl is living the teenage dream, but actually though, since people got married in their actual teens in those days. That being said, while I love the variety in locations here and how much rich sex we get to vicariously see, not all of us are fortunate enough to marry a Duke and live in a house with a full library and a handcrafted mahogany ladder to have sex on.

Recommendation: Take a second from crying about the fact that you weren’t born royal and don’t have a giant dowry to convince someone to marry you and imagine the reverse. Ignoring the ridiculously outdated social niceties and the multitude of things very wrong with that time period, try choosing some lingerie that resembles those insane corsets that push your boobs up to your chin, grab a feather like the one they wear in their hats and tiaras, and live your fantasy. Maybe you’re the duchess, or a princess, or a dressmaker who falls in love with a prince, another duchess, a scullery maid, or whatever brings your 1800s-inspired fantasy to life. It’s a great way to escape from reality while still being, you know, pandemic-safe. As long as you commit to your roles, whatever combo you have in mind is sure to be swoon-worthy.

Scene 4: Episode 7, “Oceans Apart”

Daphne and Simon aren’t all love, all the time—there are some points of serious tension in the show that contribute to arguments and misunderstandings between the couple that are genuinely heart-wrenching, but I’m glad to say they manage to keep things hot even in times of strife. The scene I’m referring to here is one where, post-fight, Daphne and Simon meet up for a rendezvous on a staircase in the middle of the night where he goes down on her in a moment of passion, despite their ongoing problems. I can’t stress enough: to anyone whose significant other has been dropping bold hints for you to watch this, this is the part she’s talking about.

Recommendation: Take a classic and reimagine it with a simple twist: just sit on a table or a counter while they go down on you. It’s not complicated, but it can be hotter than you think to try this out with just a switch up of body positioning. If you have stairs, you can lay back with your partner a step or two below you. If you don’t, choose a kitchen counter, a chair, or a coffee table — any surface that isn’t a bed, so it feels novel and exciting. 

Scene 5: Episode 8, “After the Rain”

Without totally giving away the plot here, Daphne and Simon have resolved a pretty major difference and the final love scene is vanilla but, like, vulnerable and tender. They’re coming back together (pun fully intended) as a couple who has connected on an emotional level and revealed deep truths about themselves, and the final love scene here reflects that. It’s passionate but also sweet; it reads more like a homecoming and a resolution to all the earlier conflict.

Recommendation: You can embrace the vulnerability of this scene even if you aren’t quite in the same emotional place as Daphne and Simon, or if you are. Since this is all about getting close and connecting emotionally, make yourself physically vulnerable as well as emotional. That’s right, dust off your handcuffs, or any implement you’d like to use (cable ties are fine for the hardcore bunch, or bathrobe ties work well and are a soft, gentle option), and have your partner restrain your hands behind your back. Then, have your partner sit on the bed with their back against the bed frame or in a chair and get on top, letting them use their hands on your hips to support you for tons of eye contact and connection. 

Word on the street is that a second season of Bridgerton, while not yet confirmed by Netflix, is in the works—so stay tuned for yet another round of spicy 1813 London drama. I’ll be narrating my daily life in Lady Whistledown’s voice until then. 

Images: Netflix

There comes a time in every person’s life when they suddenly realize their sexual preferences have changed. Just like music or food or Instagram filters, what you like in the bedroom (or the shower… or the floor…) can change over time. While it’s easy to sit back and select the same vibrator setting or run through the same positions with your S.O., there’s a chance you’ve come to the realization that what you once loved has gotten a little stale.

If you’re looking for new ways to get off, there’s a decent chance a kink is out there just waiting to award you with “I haven’t been this turned on since I was in high school and skipped gym class with my BF” level arousal. Before diving in, however, it’s important to note there’s a difference between a kink and a fetish. A kink is basically a sexual interest. It’s something that turns you on, but you don’t need it to get turned on. A fetish, however, is a sexual fixation, and it is imperative to arousal. To put it simply: All fetishes are kinks, but all kinks aren’t fetishes. And as long as you practice safely and consensually, there’s nothing wrong with either. 

“Communication is key,” says SKYN sex and intimacy expert, Gigi Engle. “An understanding and empathetic partner isn’t going to shame you for liking something out of the box.” So, if you’re looking for ways to kick things up a notch, here are some kinks you might actually like that don’t necessarily involve fuzzy handcuffs or leaving the house. Before trying out anything new, however, make sure all parties involved are in full agreement and take things slow. Sometimes half the fun is the anticipation of what’s to come next, after all…

1. Katoptronophilia

Although the name sounds extreme, the actual act isn’t as much. Katoptronophilia is a fetish for having sex or engaging in sexual activity in front of a mirror. Not to be all American Psycho, but there’s a reason mirrors on the ceiling are a thing: watching yourself get it on—whether alone or with someone (or someones) else—is majorly hot.

How To Test It Out: Position yourself in front of a full-length mirror or bathroom sink with your fave vibrator. Pay attention to your eyes, your expression, and your breathing. If you find yourself titillated, there’s a chance you’d love including a partner. Try out different positions, pay attention to different body parts, and play with your look before gracing your reflective stage. Luckily for you, mirrors are plentiful, and finding another reason to stare at yourself in them when your makeup looks good is definitely a win-win.

2. Exhibitionism

If putting on a show for yourself feels hot, there’s a chance putting on a show for others will feel even hotter, and exhibitionism is just that. Basically, it’s “sexual arousal at the idea or reality of being seen naked or engaged in sexual activities by others,” clinical sexologist Sarah Melancon, told Cosmopolitan. While non-consensual exhibitionism (think flashers) is illegal, consensual exhibitionism is fun for people who love being the center of attention.

How To Test It Out: Going to a sex club is pretty much an exhibitionist’s dream, but that could be hard to pull off if you’re in the middle of a pandemic or if you don’t feel like driving somewhere to have sex. Instead, something as simple as sending a scandy pic to your partner or dancing for them could give you a rush of endorphins. If you want to raise the bar, you could consider having sex in front of a secluded window (just make sure it isn’t facing someone’s house or a street/pathway), attending a virtual sex party (like a Zoom meeting but instead of talking to your boss, you get off in front of strangers) or even camming or posting on a site like Only Fans.

3. Voyeurism

Being the center of attention is one thing, but watching others is a whole other. Lots of people have hints of voyeurism lurking inside of them, and leaning into it safely and consensually can be the perfect way to experience something new. Since it’s the act of being sexually aroused by watching someone else have sex or engage in sexual activity, this is a pretty easy one to try at home. If you’ve ever found yourself aroused by porn or even a steamy sex scene in a movie, voyeurism could be something to look into.

How To Test It Out: Luckily for all of us voyeurs out there, this is a pretty easy itch to scratch. The porn industry is huge and half the fun is exploring. Go down rabbit holes and check out different categories. If you want to feel more involved, sites like Chaturbate have real people camming and taking requests, or you could always hit up a sex club (whether virtual or IRL) to watch others get it on.

4. Sploshing

No, the name doesn’t sound super appetizing, but the act certainly can be. In the simplest sense, sploshing falls under the umbrella fetish term “WAM” (wet and messy) which is the act of incorporating food into your sex life. It involves getting aroused by looking at or playing with large quantities of (usually messy) food. If you’ve ever been turned on by the idea of licking chocolate sauce off someone’s abs or getting covered in whipped cream, it could be a kink to explore.

How To Test It Out: You’ve seen movies (and that scene in Gossip Girl where Nate and Serena have sex in a fridge). Feeding each other strawberries is pretty much the epitome of romance, so sploshing is just taking it up a notch. Cover each other in chocolate or cream or sushi or sprinkles or hook up in a kiddie pool of Jell-O… just “be sure to have a cleanup plan in place,” notes Engle. And although some people like doing the messing, others like to have food smeared on them, so play around with what’s fun. Concentrate on textures, smells, and how the food feels on your skin. The best part? Eating during is highly encouraged.

5. Foot Fetish/Kink

It wouldn’t be a fetish/kink roundup without foot fetishes. In short, it’s just an attraction to feet or arousal caused by feet, and it’s actually one of the most common kinks. Since the feet have tons of nerve endings, they feel ahhh-mazing when touched and are also majorly symbolic (this is why lots of couples use feet washing in wedding ceremonies). Still, there’s a chance you haven’t explored the world of foot-induced arousal yet. The plus side is even if you learn it’s not your thing, there’s a chance you’ll have a pleasurable time finding out.

How To Test It Out: One of the easiest ways to see if feet set off your arousal is through massage. Grab some oil and massage it onto your feet (or ask your partner to, if they’re down), concentrating on the arch, in between the toes, and the heel. If you want to dive in deep, things like sucking on toes or massaging genitals with (clean) feet are some other ways to play. There are also a plethora of foot fetish videos out there from foot jobs (think handjobs, but with feet) to just looking at pretty toes, so dig your heels in and explore.

6. Hand Fetish/Kink

As it turns out, body part fetishes are fairly common. And while your mind might initially jump to foot fetishes, hand fetishes are also an important one to note. Basically, a hand fetish or kink is being attracted to hands, whether it’s the whole hand, the fingers, interacting with hands, or watching someone’s hands in action.

How To Test It Out: Just like with an attraction to feet, an attraction to hands can be stimulated pretty much the same way. From hand massages to pictures to online videos, you’re in luck because almost everyone around you has a hand or two to look at. If you’re trying out the kink solo, consider giving yourself a sensual manicure (think candles and oils) or perusing YouTube for some videos to get your juices flowing.

7. Sensation Play

Odds are you already engage in some sensation play, but learning more about the different types and testing them out is a great way to clear the cobwebs out from your libido. The umbrella term refers to a wide variety of activities, all involving different sensations. Things like temperature play (running an ice cube across bare skin), sensory deprivation (utilizing a blindfold or gag), impact play (think whips and clamps), and even things like tickling and biting all fall in this category. It’s basically a sexual activity that creates arousal in response to withholding, giving, or receiving different types of sensory stimuli,

How To Test It Out: In addition to using ice cubes and blindfolds as mentioned above, feather ticklers, scalp massagers, and even ben wa balls (yup, like you read about in Fifty Shades), are other ways to experience sensual sensations. Many people practice this as foreplay or during sex, so whether or not you’re engaging with a partner, play around with different props and at different times during your session.

8. Wax Play

Yes, candles are awesome for setting the mood and wasting your paycheck on, but they’re also key to a pretty big kink. Wax play involves pouring hot wax on someone (or getting hot wax poured on you). Oftentimes, the wax is dripped on sensitive areas such as genitals, nipples, or the belly. Also, there are candles that turn into massage oil, which means you can have your wax play and a massage too. While this can fall under the “sensation play” umbrella, the fact that it gives you the chance to go on a candle shopping spree is reason enough for it to get its own highlight.

How To Test It Out: Testing out wax play is pretty straight forward. You’ll want to make sure to get candles made for skin (which usually burn less hot) and to be extra careful since, you know, a real flame is involved. When playing, mess around with drip speeds and areas of the body to see what feels best. “I recommend having the receiving partner wear a simple blindfold,” suggests Engle. “It ups the anticipation and sensation.”

9. Cuckolding

For some, seeing your partner with someone else is a nightmare, but for others, it’s a major turn-on. A cuckolding kink or fetish is the act of being turned on by watching your partner get it on with someone else. Although the term is masculine (and usually refers to a male watching his partner with another male), women can be into the kink as well. In fact, a “cuckquean” is a woman who gets off by watching her partner with someone else. Oftentimes the cuckold or cuckquean is just a bystander, but they can be consensually mocked during play.

Even though it all seems a bit advanced, here’s an easy way to figure out if it’s something you’re interested in: Does the thought of consensually watching your partner interact sexually with someone else sound kinda hot? If so, you might get something out of cuckolding—just make sure to take things slow and use LOTS of communication.

How To Test It Out: Since this is a pretty extreme kink that can bring up a lot of feelings of jealousy, you’ll want to talk about your feelings through every step and always be on the same page. “Don’t jump into bringing someone into the room—start with fantasy,” suggests Engle. “You can watch cuckolding porn together or maybe talk dirty, centering the talk around another person being there. Again, fantasy can eclipse reality in some cases, and it’s very important to be absolutely sure everyone is comfortable and on board with this before trying it IRL.”

10. Erotic Humiliation

Oftentimes erotic humiliation goes hand in hand with cuckolding since it’s pretty much exactly as it sounds: Being consensually humiliated during sex or sexual activity. This can range wildly from calling your partner names to a consensually “forced” cuckold situation. A good example is the scene in Sex and the City when that guy calls Charlotte a “f*cking b*tch, f*cking whore.” If the idea of being called names in bed sounds hot, consensual humiliation might be up your alley.

How To Test It Out: A good place to start if you want to try erotic humiliation is with your words, like a more hard core version of dirty talk. Chat with your partner about words, phrases, or topics you think you’d enjoy being used in a taunting manner and ones that are off-limits. If something’s said that you don’t like, speak up ASAP and take some time to evaluate how you feel after a session, advises Engle: “Communication is lubrication.”

11. Orgasm Control (Edging)

Orgasm control or edging is one of those sex tips you’ve probably heard of but didn’t understand the fuss. It’s all about, well, controlling an orgasm. “Edging is one of my favorite sex hacks of all time,” admits Kenneth Play, an international sex educator and hacker. “When you get the body almost to the place of no return, it will awaken your spidey senses to feel more pleasurable sensations.”

This ranges from your partner telling you (or vice versa) when you can and can’t orgasm (or utilizing restraints to keep from being able to control movement and thus an orgasm) to edging, which is where you’re brought to the brink of orgasm but right before the big climax, the stimuli is removed. After a brief cooldown, the cycle starts again. This is great for those looking to last longer or just want more of those explosive orgasms you’ve read about in erotic novels.

How To Test It Out: All you need to experience edging is a partner, a hand or your favorite vibrator, and some uninterrupted alone time. Once you get close to orgasm, stop, cool down, then start again. Repeat this process until you can’t stand it anymore and get ready to have your world rocked again and again and again.

“While it’s important to communicate your needs, wants, and desires, even if they seem strange to you at first, it’s equally important to listen and respect your partner’s requests without judgment,” Taylor Sparks, erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven, tells Betches. “There’s a common saying in the kink community: ‘Don’t yuck on other people’s yum.’ Just because it is not something you would enjoy doesn’t mean you get to pass judgment because they wish to explore it in a safe space with you.” While that doesn’t mean you have to try everything your partner wants (consent goes both ways), it does mean you need to be respectful.

What it all comes down to is that this is supposed to be fun. “Embrace the awkward. You’re a newbie!” says Play. “This is not the time to put extra pressure on yourself. How good you are at the start of something does not dictate how good you can be at something.” Whether you’re smearing icing on your partner’s body or have some good old-fashioned missionary, as long as you have safe, consensual fun and snag a few orgasms on the way, it doesn’t really matter how you get there. 

Images: Artem Labunsky / Unsplash; Giphy (4)

Ah, the rom-com. The classic and predictable formula that consists of meet-cutes, cliches, some goofy sidekicks, and a heart-warming ending that we all saw coming is a tried and true one. Throughout the 2000s, Hollywood churned out rom-coms at a rapid rate, and we don’t blame them. These movies are the perfect re-watch, and their predictable endings provide a sense of certainty we could all use right about now. 

While Hollywood may have mastered the rom-com formula in the 2000s, there were some major things they got wrong about sex. Watching these movies growing up, before experiencing sex and relationships for myself, I feel that I was grossly misled. What they show in the movies and what actually happens is like apples and oranges—and it’s time we called B.S. Here are some of the most unrealistic expectations rom-coms gave me for sex.

Lie #1: No Foreplay Necessary

An actual quote from the movie The Holiday:

Jude Law: “How do you feel about foreplay?”

Cameron Diaz: “I think it’s overrated. Significantly overrated.”

Jude Law: “You are quickly becoming one of the most interesting girls I’ve ever met.”

CUT TO: The worst sex ever

— Chloe Dykstra (@skydart) May 19, 2019

If you’ve ever been asked “are you ready?” 10 seconds into a hookup when you’ve barely had time to process what’s happening, you can thank 2000s rom-coms like The Holiday that teach us that after a mere 20 seconds of making out, you should be ready to have hot sex. Cameron Diaz’s character Amanda even told Jude Law’s character Graham that foreplay was overrated. I’m sorry, foreplay is never overrated, especially when it’s with Jude Law. These depictions of sex with hardly any build-up do women everywhere a disservice. You’re supposed to stretch before you run, aren’t you? The same is true of sex. Not only is foreplay essential in getting you in the mood, but it also makes sex less painful, according to expert Kiana Reeves, a doula, certified sex educator, Certified Innate Postpartum Care Provider, and Certified STREAM (Scar Tissue Remediation, Education, and Management) Practitioner, who told Betches that pain during sex can actually be caused by a lack of lubrication. Don’t sacrifice great sex for speed—take the time to get warmed up, you won’t regret it. 

Lie #2: Orgasms Happen Quickly And Are Guaranteed

Not only are the women in these rom-coms having great sex with no foreplay, but they also have an orgasm in the blink of an eye, which couldn’t be further from reality. Take the famous “It still isn’t over” scene in The Notebook when Noah and Allie finally have sex. While yes, I admit, this is an iconic love scene that earned its spot in rom-com history, her speedy orgasm that takes all of 30 seconds and only one position change is just a bald-faced lie. I don’t care how many years of sexual tension you have built up, a female orgasm does not happen that quickly. In fact, only 8-25% of women can cum from just vaginal penetration. 8-25%! Why isn’t this a more well-known stat? Can we get this on a bumper sticker?

Lie #3: Your First Time Will Be Magical And Incredibly Romantic

If you’re one of the few people who had a romantic experience that wasn’t filled with awkward, painful and fumbling moments, please come forward and share your story, because you’re one in a million. Some of our favorite rom-coms led us to believe this moment would be more sweet and tender than painful (HA!). In Love & Basketball, Monica loses her virginity to Quincy, but not before they exchange a series of sensual looks as they slowly undress before the kissing portion of the program even begins. Quincy’s lips must have magical powers because there is NO way she’s ready when Quincy reaches for the condom. She inhales slightly, which apparently is to be representative of the pain she’s feeling? LOL. If they wanted to show us what it’s really like, Monica should’ve displayed a contorted facial expression and let out a blood-curdling scream. This depiction of losing your virginity is even further from reality than the most recent season of Vanderpump Rules.

Lie #4: You Will Wrap A Bed Sheet Around You After Sex

Again, if any of you have actually done this (and not just to imitate a famous movie scene) please come forward. I’m not sure which director started this rom-com trend, but it doesn’t make any f*cking sense. However, movies like Fever Pitch tell us otherwise. If you actually did this you’d have to wrap it around yourself a number of times to avoid tripping over it and you’d have to keep your arms tightly by your side to make sure it doesn’t fall. Why in the world would you go through all of that hassle to rip the flat sheet off the bed and wrap it around you like you’re going to a toga party when you could just throw on a T-shirt or stay naked? I’d consider this one of life’s greatest mysteries. 

Lie #5: Sex In Cars Is Hot 

Despite how sexy Katherine Heigl and James Marsden made it look in 27 Dresses, or how hot it was in Titanic, there’s no way drunk sex in a broken-down car is hot. Do you really think a 5’9” woman and 5’10” man can have great sex without injuring themselves or contorting their body into unnatural positions? I doubt it. Aside from the issue of the size of the car, don’t they have anxiety about the broken-down car? Maybe I’m high-strung, but the thought of being stranded forever would inhibit me from enjoying myself.

Lie #6: If You Meet A British Guy In A Bar, You Will Have Sex With Him

Okay so this is oddly specific, but when I saw the scene in Love Actually when Colin meets a group of American women in a bar who fawn over him and later bring him back to their apartment, I audibly groaned. I know the entire movie is based on the suspension of disbelief, but COME ON. Give women a little more credit, we’re not going to pull our dresses up just because a guy in a bar has a foreign accent. And even if we do, we’re certainly not asking our three best friends to join us. 

So, who’s ready for a modern day rom-com that depicts what sex is actually like? I wish someone had warned me about the lies that are laced throughout 2000s rom-coms and beyond, maybe I could have avoided a lot of disappointment. Well, probably not but a girl can dream, right? I’d like to think adding some sense of authenticity into these movies would result in more realistic expectations for women and their sex lives going forward. 

Images: WAYHOME studio / Shutterstock; Giphy; skydart / Twitter