Listen, ladies. If we learned one thing this weekend, it’s that our manz are thinking about the Roman Empire almost as much as they’re thinking about dat ass.
Which means if you really want to light his Spartacus, it’s time to incorporate his passion for all things ancient Rome into your sex life.
To make your docile data scientist boyfriend feel like a big, strong, Roman emperor, deploy these tips the next time things start getting frisky:
- Set the mood. Leave the bossa nova sex playlist at the door, and queue up the soundtrack to the 2000 major motion picture Gladiator, starring Russell Crowe. The cacophonous battle music will tee you up for a marathon sex sesh, until you reach a raucous crescendo of your own.
- Dress for sexsess. Turn that useless top sheet into a toga — your guy will be foaming at the mouth when he sees how this shapeless mass of cloth accentuates your curves.
- Have fun with props. Give him the metal lid to your trash can to use as a “shield,” warding off your advances as you go for his “sword,” until he’s disarmed by your siren beauty and succumbs to your seduction.
- Help him make a grand entrance. In Ancient Rome, spectacles and sporting events were often accompanied by musicians. To make his tent pole feel like the main attraction, break out the ultra-popular Roman Tuba and celebrate his arrival with a little diddy.
- Don’t be afraid to dirty talk. Try something like, “Pretend your member is a blade and my lady garden is Julius Caesar.” If that doesn’t take him over the edge, we don’t know what will.
- Or pull out some high school Latin. If he prefers to be romanced, hit him with: “Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?” (Translation: Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?)
- Ride him like a chariot. Nothing was more baller in ancient Rome than those bad boy chariot racers. Mount your man cowgirl style, and add a riding crop to the mix to make sure you both cross the finish line.
- Feed him grapes. Get him geared up for round two with a post-game snack. Even gladiators need their electrolytes!
- Take things to the bathroom. Forget shower sex. Bathing was a major part of ancient Roman culture, so fill up that tub with suds and splash around like a couple of horned up ducks.
- Introduce snake play. Since he’s thinking about the Roman Empire at least twice a day, your boo probably knows The Tragedy of Antony and Cleopatra word for word. He’ll be absolutely titillated when you bring a garden snake into your bed in homage to his favorite work of Shakespeare, and definitely won’t shriek like a little girl, because as has been pre-established, he is a big, strong Roman emperor.