Well, well, well, what do we have here? True love in Kardashian-Jenner land or another genius PR stunt orchestrated by mastermind and notorious Scorpio Kris Jenner? Kylie Jenner and Timothée Chalamet are *reportedly* dating, and it is just too weird to be the real deal. You’re telling me the “Rise and Shine” singer went from dating rappers to boning the kid who “fucking loves” fingerling potatoes in Don’t Look Up? Has she even watched Dune? No chance.
Kris has perfected the art of distraction. (Remember when Kim and Pete just happened to break up on the same day Trash Thompson and Khloé welcomed their second baby after his 100th cheating scandal?) And she’s done so with her billion-dollar bank account; a team of interns that probably include Mason, North, MJ and Rob; and countless contracts. The woman loves a good NDA.
Below, find what may or may not possibly, potentially be a rough draft of the contract made by the Kardashian matriarch for Kylie Jenner and Timothée Chalemet’s “relationship.” Do not ask us how we
created obtained this information. Unless you are a lawyer, in which case this is 100 percent made up.
THIS AGREEMENT executed on the 4th day of April 2023, by and between Ms. Kylie Jenner (hereinafter “Billion Dollar Baby”) and Mr. Timothée Chalamet (hereinafter “Party B”) is written for the mutual benefit of the couple. But mostly for Billion Dollar Baby. Furthermore, the Agreement is solely meant to establish rules and boundaries for a successful
strategic partnership romantic relationship between the Couple (hereinafter Kylothée).
IN CONSIDERATION OF THE MUTUAL OBLIGATIONS SPECIFIED IN THIS AGREEMENT, THE PARTIES AGREE TO THE FOLLOWING:
SECTION I: PARTNERSHIP OUTLINE
1. Party B’s team to direct message Deuxmoi from Billion Dollar Baby’s family’s burner Instagram accounts (ask North for the passwords) confirming Party B and Billion Dollar Baby started to casually see each other in January 2023. One DM must note the specific detail that they “celebrated New Years in Aspen together.” Submit to Deuxmoi NO LATER THAN April 6. (Timeline tight due to eyebrow situation with Selena Gomez.)
2. Send Party B’s Escalade and Billion Dollar Baby’s Lincoln Navigator to Tito’s Tacos in Los Angeles on April 7. Required attire for Party B is a face mask and baseball cap. After arriving in the Escalade, Party B must sit in Billion Dollar Baby’s backseat solo for 30 minutes. The paparazzi is scheduled to take three to five (3-5) photos and text them to TMZ’s intern. Billion Dollar Baby will NOT be on the scene, as she is scheduled for her weekly skin-tightening treatment. Party B to also pick up lunch for Billion Dollar Baby and Kris Jenner (Two shrimp tacos with finely sliced iceberg lettuce, no shells and one purified H2O. Ask if they have vegan gluten-free cheese).
3. MJ will leak source info to E! News that “it’s not serious” and they are “keeping things casual.” @MJ, please copy the template used for Kim and Pete.
Billion Dollar Baby and Party B must be photographed on horseback riding date at Hidden Hills Equestrian Center. Party B must sit between Billion Dollar Baby’s legs and pose for an Instagram selfie. PLEASE REMOVE FROM AGREEMENT — did NOT go as planned with Kendall Jenner and Benito Antonio Martínez Ocasio. Looked TOO STAGED!
5. Party B to comment three (3) peach emojis on Billion Dollar Baby’s thong bikini photo posted at 8:00 pm PT on April 24.
6. Party B to secure a plus-one ticket to the Met Gala from Anna Wintour. This is a non-negotiable.
7. Actually, Party B must secure five (5) tickets to the Met Gala. Kim got her own, so she is taken care of. Travis and Kourtney can count as one because they share a soul and all bodily fluids.
8. Leak to the press that Billion Dollar Baby and Party B are attending the Met Gala together, so everyone knows, yes, Billion Dollar Baby was invited, and no, she is not in her flop era. Mason Disick will spearhead our press coverage plans via TikTok.
9. First PDA photos will leak of Billion Dollar Baby and Party B softly kissing while leaving a “romantic” dinner at Giorgio Baldi in Santa Monica. ($500,000 extra for Pete Davidson-level hickey. $1 million for a light butt grab). Photos must be made public on agencies the same day Khloé will reveal she named her baby Tristan Trust Thompson Jr.
10. Billion Dollar Baby and Party B make their first red carpet appearance together at the Met Gala on May 1. Gucci is fine for Party B’s tux, but socks must be Arthur George. Party B’s shoes must have 3-inch insoles. Wear sunglasses. And for the love of God, Party B must get a spray tan 48 hours prior to the event.
a. Party B will not engage in overt PDA with Billion Dollar Baby; this is the Met Gala, not your yacht saliva swap with Lily-Rose Depp — just gentle back touching ($250,000) and minimal eye contact ($200,000). Party B must plant one (1) forehead kiss on Billion Dollar Baby on the carpet directly in front of People Magazine and Getty ($2,000,000). @MJ, please send Party B’s team the pamphlet of Kim and Pete’s poses for inspiration.
11. Billion Dollar Baby and Party B to jetset to a tropical island for a weekend beach getaway. Kim and Pete picked Tahiti, so choose literally anywhere else. Just make sure photos are posted at 8:00 pm PT on May 24, exactly 24 hours before Kardashians Season 3.
ADDENDUM: If Stormi accidentally calls Party B her stepdad, he is to smile and just go with it. We do not want to confuse the children. Also, Aire is pronounced “air,” like oxygen, so please memorize this prior to first public appearance.
SECTION II: TERM
1. The relationship shall commence as of the date of the execution of this Agreement and shall continue thereafter for a term of at least four (4) months, unless sooner dissolved and terminated by Billion Dollar Baby (and Kris Jenner).
2. This agreement shall immediately terminate upon the occurrence of any of the following:
a. Kardashians Season 3 premiere hits a record-shattering viewership and publicity is no longer needed.
b. Kim gets too jealous of the positive press. All she has right now is American Horror Story and is probably getting killed off episode 1. We need to be sensitive.
c. Tristan cheats again, in which case Kris Jenner will devise an entirely new plan of action.
SECTION III: LIMITATION OF REMEDIES
1. If Party B cannot fulfill his obligation under this contract for reasons outside of his control, Billion Dollar Baby may locate and retain a replacement boyfriend, such as Jack Harlow or Michael Cera. He looks like a nice boy and Barbie will probably bring in great ratings.
SECTION IV: RESOLUTION OF DISPUTES
1. Party B agrees to not post any negative information about Billion Dollar Baby on any online forum or website without providing two (2) weeks advance written notice and providing Billion Dollar Baby’s mother with an opportunity to rewrite it completely. This also applies to any secret pseudonyms or Reddit accounts. You fucking come for my baby, I come for you.
SECTION V: PAYMENT
1. Kris Jenner to compensate Party B in the amount of REDACTED FOR PRIVACY — don’t worry, Sweetie, Mommy’s got it covered — within 800 days for his active involvement in this Agreement, provided he satisfactorily completes all tasks assigned to him as outlined herein or as arbitrarily added by Billion Dollar Baby or Kris Jenner.
2. Free tickets to Dune 2 for Rob.
Please sign below:
Featured photo courtesy of Getty.