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This Shit Was Not On Our 2023 Bingo Card

There are two words I’d use to describe 2023 so far. No, they aren’t “post-apocalyptic hellscape,” despite that probably being more accurate. For the purposes of this story, let’s go with “pure chaos.” 

Indeed, in just four short (yet painfully, painfully long) months, 2023 has proven unpredictable at best, filled with the most baffling celebrity couples emerging at every turn, public figures saying things not even a drunk ChatGPT could string together, and other totally unforeseeable situations that have made us spit out our coffee and say, “What the actual fuck?” 

If you were to ask me several months ago what predictions I had for 2023, I’d probably say TikTok actually getting banned or Pete Davidson becoming a father. (And TBH, those aren’t out of the question just yet.) Instead, the world has said, “Ha, bet,” and handed us Kylie Jenner dating Timothée Chalamet of all people, Billy McFarland’s first words post-prison release announcing that Fyre Festival 2 is a go, and Doja Cat vaping in the background of an Emma Chamberlain Met Gala Vogue video dressed like a cat… and then meowing through her own interview.

https://twitter.com/dieforyous/status/1653179840495796225[/embed]

Shall we call 2023’s major pop-culture moments an unexpected twist of events or a collective cry for help? TBH, I’m not sure. But one thing I know for certain is there is no chance any of you had this shit on your 2023 bingo card: 

  • Gwen Stefani claiming she’s Japanese and defending her Harajuku era while promoting her GXVE beauty brand
  • Gwyneth Paltrow losing half a day of skiing and being cross-examined by lawyer Kristin Vanorman, aka her number one fan 

GWYNETH-PALTROW-SKI-TRIAL

  • American Girl introducing their next historical doll collection, featuring twins Isabel and Nicki who were *spits up* born in 1999
  • Avril Lavigne and Tyga dating, despite their exes being the entire Kardashian-Jenner family 
  • Travis Barker launching a luxury enema kit
  • Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello getting back together at Coachella after he was rumored to be dating his 51-year-old chiropractor  
  • Emily Ratajkowski and Harry Styles dancing and making out like horny teenagers in Tokyo 
  • Harry Potter becoming a TV series that nobody asked for 
  • Dean Unglert saying he would use his brother’s sperm to get Caelynn Miller-Keyes pregnant
  • Kylie Jenner naming her son “Aire,” as in billion…aire 

kylie-jenner-aire

  • Still not knowing WTF Khloé Kardashian named her son even though he is basically a teenager by now
  • Logan Roy dying in episode 3 (RIP) 
  • Millie Bobby Brown getting engaged… isn’t she still 12? 
  • Tom Brady retiring for the 100th time 
  • Prince Harry telling the world about his frostbitten penis 
  • Future Emmy-winning actress Kim Kardashian joining the cast of American Horror Story 
  • Kanye West randomly marrying Yeezy designer Bianca Censori
  • Sammi Sweetheart casually returning to Jersey Shore after ignoring fans’ pleas for the last 3,000 years
  • Jen Shah doing full glam in prison 
  • Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn breaking up after six years of dating… followed by rumors she’s “madly in love” (LOL) with 1975’s Matty Healy

NBC's 77th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Roaming Show

  • Kendall Jenner and Bad Bunny attempting to convince the world they’re in love by taking romantic selfies on a horse 
  • Selena Gomez and Zayn Malik reportedly dating after they were spotted holding hands and kissing 
  • Newly divorced Kelsea Ballerini going IG official with Outer Banks high schooler Chase Stokes
  • Reese Witherspoon and Ashton Kutcher haunting the internet forever with those painfully awkward red carpet pics 

Netflix's Your Place or Mine World Premiere

  • Kris Jenner arranging what could possibly be the weirdest PR relationship in Kardashian history: Kylie Jenner and Timothée Chalamet 
  • Tucker “Thoughts And Prayers” Carlson being axed by Fox
  • Live-action Flounder from The Little Mermaid getting Ozempic

THE LITTLE MERMAID

  • Barney getting buccal-fat removal
  • Jared Leto wearing a giant Choupette costume at the Met Gala 
  • Scandoval (eh, TBH, who’s really surprised?)

Photos courtesy of Getty Images and Disney. 

Katie Corvino
Katie Corvino
Katie Corvino (she/her) is the Senior Editorial Director of Web at Betches. She first gained recognition after wearing a thong on her head at Coachella in the name of fashion. She's also known very well in the medical space as her therapist's favorite patient. If you are reading this, Leslie, she is fine. Her crippling anxiety is gone. She is cured and totally OK.