There’s Still So Much Drama With The ‘Love Is Blind’ Cast

Love is Blind season 2 might be over, but the cast tea is still piping hot. Whether shared on their own social media channels or in interviews—the cast is leaving no pop culture podcast hanging—news stories come out daily. It’s hard to keep up with all the drama, so we rounded up what you need to know. 

First up, a very unexpected Love is Blind engagement is making headlines. Shaina, aka Kyle’s ex-fiancé, aka the one who tried to break up Shayne and Natalie, said yes. Not to anyone in the pods, but to a man named Christos Lardakis. Based on the cross emoji Shaina included in the caption of her engagement announcement, her new fiancé is a man who can “spiritually lead her”—unlike Kyle. You might be thinking, well that was a little fast, but a source told People that “she’s been dating Christos for almost a year.“ However, internet sleuths believe there might be more to the story.

Per his private Instagram bio, Shaina’s fiancé works for the Chicago restaurant Kanela, where Kyle and Shaina filmed a scene for Love is Blind. Is this just a crazy coincidence? It could be she met her now-fiancé on that awkward day of filming. (That would be some meet-cute.) Or was she already dating Lardakis, went on the show to grow her brand, and convinced producers to film at this restaurant to get her secret boyfriend’s place some PR? We are not one for conspiracy theories, but this is just crazy enough that we kind of believe it. 

If you’re still rooting for Natalie and Shayne, we recommend you find a new couple to champion. Natalie told host Alyssa Amoroso on Barstool Sports’ Tea with Publyssity podcast that the door to that relationship is closed. And no wonder, because her ex-fiancé is stirring the pot on Instagram. 

Shayne sparked romance rumors between Natalie and their fellow cast member Sal during an Instagram Q&A. When asked, “Do you and Natalie hate each other now?” Shayne overlaid a shirtless selfie with the text “ASK @SALVADIOR08,” tagging Sal directly. In the selfie, Shayne’s face reads “Sal broke bro code.” But before you could say #Satalie (Or Nalvador?) Natalie quickly shut down the rumor on Barstool Sports’ Tea with Publyssity, telling Amoroso, “I know there have been speculations of me and Sal dating. We are not. We are just really close friends.” If this rumor is totally false, it does leave us wondering what Shayne intended with that answer. 

As for her current relationship status, it looks like Natalie is not planning to move her love life out of the spotlight anytime soon. She told Amoroso she was “exploring some things” and to “stay tuned.” Is this a new way to soft launch a boyfriend? Or a podcast? Hopefully the former, tbh, but we’ll do as Nat says and hang tight for now.

In the meantime, we’re busy following another rumored Love is Blind couple: Kyle and Deepti. Between teasing their relationship on social media and sightings around Chicago, this duo is certainly up to something. But the internet is questioning if that something is love or a desire for more publicity.

Let’s start from the beginning. At the reunion, in a move literally no one saw coming, Kyle declared he wished he had proposed to Deepti in the pods. Now, the two are saying they shared a connection that didn’t make the show’s final cut. It could be the producers didn’t think their connection was necessary to the story, or perhaps this is their attempt to add validity to a relationship that seemingly came out of nowhere. Funnily enough, the two were spotted earlier this month getting brunch at none other than Kanela Breakfast Club. Maybe Shaina isn’t after fame and Kyle just needs to pick a new brunch spot.

The cast drama does not end there. Deepti and Shake are still making headlines together even though, in the immortal words of Taylor Swift, they are never, ever getting back together. Last week, Deepti told Nick Viall on his podcast The Viall Files (like we said, the cast is leaving no pop culture podcast out) that Shake is “posting pictures of me from back after filming had wrapped. It’s kind of like, insinuating on social media that we are amicable or that we are friends. It’s just frustrating.” We will take that to mean they are not. 

With new gossip and inter-cast drama popping up daily, it begs the question: is it all for real, or is the season 2 cast making waves to parlay the show’s popularity into full-time jobs?   Looking back on when Love is Blind season 1 aired in late February 2020, it was a different world. The show premiered right as we started quarantining, thinking “two weeks to flatten the curve.” (We all know how that went.) The first season’s success stories, Lauren Speed-Hamilton and Cameron Hamilton and Amber Pike and Matt Barnett, turned their love stories into full-time jobs as influencers, but the rest of the cast mostly faded from the public eye (except for Jessica, who probably wanted to). Was that bad timing, as their fame hit its zenith as the country was in full lockdown, or was the cast really just there for love? Amoroso thinks “given it’s the second season of a widely successful show, this year’s cast knew what they were getting into more than the initial season one cast.” Will Love is Blind turn into The Bachelor, a show that now feels more like a launching pad for middling influencers, rather than people on a genuine search for love? Just like the possible man in Natalie’s new life, we will have to stay tuned to see.

Images: ADAM ROSE/NETFLIX

Hear Me Out: Shake Has A Point

By now, you may have seen Love Is Blind’s Abhishek Chatterjee, aka Shake, ask women in the pods if he could pick them up easily, or if they worked out, in a not-so-covert attempt to figure out their size. You may have also seen him tell anyone within earshot that he wasn’t attracted to his (now former) fiancée Deepti. And, if you’ve watched the reunion, then you’ve heard him try to defend his physical preferences and say that “love is blurry”. Let me try to explain what the biggest villain in reality dating TV since Justin from Dating Around was trying to say. Disclaimer: I do not agree with most of the things Shake said. I do think he has a point but doesn’t have the vocabulary, sensitivity or knowledge to explain what he was going through on the show. I had a positive edit on my show and still found a lot of mind fuckery I needed to work through three years after my edit was aired, so I can’t even imagine what he must be going through as a villain.

Like many other brown kids, I have parents that met on their wedding day, and just celebrated their 42nd wedding anniversary. I, on the other hand, am 40 years old, single, and completely burnt out from the search for “The One”. I understand how the premise of Netflix’s Love is Blind hopes to provide us with a solution to overcome the superficial hurdles to finding long-lasting love. In my own dating history, I often focused on physical attraction, and that caused me to ignore all the red flags. How my parents met is beginning to feel like a far superior solution to my own trials and errors (which I never thought I’d say). Take the physical out of the equation and get to know one another so that you fall in love without attraction blundering your decision making process? It makes sense on the surface.

But unfortunately, on Love is Blind, it’s not all that it seems, which is why most couples on the show don’t end up married.  Focusing on substance should lead you to connect on an authentic level—or as our beautiful Indian castmate Deepti’s mother said, “connect at the heart”—but Love is Blind doesn’t actually take an authentic approach to making the cast members fall in love. It actually produces the feeling.

Physical attraction is just one of the many reasons humans fall in love. Although Love is Blind says they take the superficial aspect out of the dating equation, which can sometimes lead us astray, it replaces it with another feeling that can be just as misleading. The hurdles of not being able to see someone at your will actually causes attraction. It even has a name: frustration attraction

Adversity in being able to see someone heightens feelings of romance in the brain and releases dopamine and chemicals that feel like love. Ever feel totally OK about a break up but as soon as you reach out to an ex for something but don’t hear back, you feel distraught and start obsessing? That frustration attraction is why so many of us second-guess when we break up with someone.  If you ever got back with an ex, later regretted it, and didn’t understand why you did it in the first place, frustration attraction may have been the culprit. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and the delayed gratification of frustration attraction replaces the initial physical attraction in Love is Blind, leaving the cast members in the same dilemma the show says it’s trying to prevent in the first place. 

Love is Blind isn’t taking attraction out of the mix, it’s actually creating an environment for a different kind of attraction to make people fall in love quickly so that the struggles of modern love can be created for our viewing pleasure. The show mimics our reality, which is why it’s so engaging to watch in the first place. It’s still genius, but it’s not as innocent as it seems. 

What Shake was trying to explain, but was too defensive to be able to articulate intelligently, is that as many of us know, everything is not what it seems on reality TV. The show isn’t actually simplifying the search for love at all, it actually reinforces the fact that finding long-lasting love is extremely difficult and complicated. Shake’s attraction faded, which can happen to any of us in that environment (or even in the real world), and whether we like to admit it or not, attraction matters. 

The pressure on our partners has never been higher. We now want them to do it all: give us butterflies, solely focus on us, meet our needs while also being able to communicate their own feelings and desires on top of all the other traits we’re looking for. Extroversion vs. introversion, spending habits, drinking habits, fitness levels, family values, communication style, emotional depth, social media etiquette, career potential, vacation style—the list goes on and on. It’s not as simple as an emotional connection. 

Love isn’t blind at all. Love is quite observant, complicated and multi-faceted. The show reminds us that love is far more nuanced than the simple act of falling in love, but that love isn’t just a choice; it’s also an unexplainable feeling that when lacking, creates the tension and doubt we see play out on screen. You can’t force love, even if you can force initial attraction.

Image: ADAM ROSE/NETFLIX

We Were Rooting For You, We Were All Rooting For You

Dating shows are romantic comedies created by the crafty editing of producers. The work of reality dating producers is so notorious that there was even a scripted drama about them, Unreal. Talk about meta. And despite their behind-the-scenes manipulations, we are grateful for their hard work. We love a romantic story arc, and this season of Love is Blind seemed to deliver on many fronts.

Shayne, the enthusiastic, All-American guy softens the serious career-focused Natalie à la How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, The Wedding Planner, or literally any film Matthew McConaughey plays the love interest in. 

Danielle and Nick were so perfect for each other in the pods, but outside they were constantly at odds. Forgive the rhyme but it’s kind of perfect for the movie poster, no? We know this story. It’s You’ve Got Mail. It’s Hitch. They work it out in the end.

Dare we say Jarrette and Iyanna were a gender swapped Sweet Home Alabama or Bridget Jones Diary? Jarrette couldn’t see the perfect girl was right in front of him the whole time—until the romantic finale, that is. 

And we cannot forget about the most important subgenre of the romantic comedy canon: the best friend-turned-lover. It’s When Harry Met Sally, Love and Basketball, and the incredibly on-the-nose titled My Best Friend’s Wedding. And forgive us, but that’s what we hoped we might have with Shake and Deeps.

Shake’s introduction into the show didn’t endear him to our hearts. He is well documented not only asking every woman her size, but also thinking he was outsmarting them in how he asked. “Do you work out?” “Can I lift you on my shoulders easily?” Even through an opaque wall, the women could see right through him. 

But image-obsessed Shake had his figurative walls shaken by his feelings for Deepti. Both born in India and raised in the US, both claimed to only date blondes, Deepti and Shake found love in the one place they didn’t expect it: with someone who shared their story. As Deepti said, Shake was the first brown guy she ever kissed.  Tell us that is not the ideal rom-com set-up! 

Upon meeting Deeps in person, Shake bent down and kissed her feet—an Indian marriage tradition, usually performed by the woman to the man (and one that Deepti told him in the pods she wasn’t down for). But Shake flipped the gender roles of the tradition. He was honoring their heritage in a modern way! He was showing her they were equals. If you didn’t get butterflies at this, you’re dead inside—or you need to watch more rom-coms. 

But as the wedding day approached, Shake would not stop talking about his lack of physical attraction to Deeps. He loved her. He respected her. She was his best friend, but he wouldn’t stop comparing her to his aunt (side note, who is Shake’s aunt because she sounds like a catch). Still, we thought that love might prevail and he would overcome his hang-ups.

In fact, we were so invested in writing Shake’s redemption story that we were blinded (yes, Love is Blind and we were too). Deeps deserved better, a lot better. But thankfully, Deeps was not blind and told Shake no at the altar. After Deepti walked back down the aisle, Shake’s mask came off. He told everyone it was time to party, and said it would all be fine since he had reservations at Nobu on Sunday. (FYI, anyone can get reservations at Nobu. You just call 30 days in advance.)

So, the redemption story never came for Shake. He solidified himself as a villain in the finale and that was the end of his story. He should take his new Instagram followers, go back to his vet practice, and maybe have a meet-cute with a girl who comes in with her ailing kitten. One he can easily put on his shoulders—the girl, not the kitten.  

But dear lord no, Shake had more in store for us because we hadn’t seen him unfiltered with the whole cast, and untethered by loyalty to Deeps—but we see plenty at the season 2 reunion, which just dropped on Netflix. Vanessa Lachey attempts to ease into the reunion taping, by asking if everyone is nervous. Shake chooses to reply to this rhetorical question by saying he is nervous at how he will be edited. Beside him Shayne quips, “that’s what you’re gonna lead with.” 

In the hour that follows, Shayne’s excessive fidgeting is all of us. Seated next to Shake, he is a visual manifestation of everyone at home watching a man crash and burn. At one point, Shayne can’t hold it in anymore and unprompted says, “I am extremely uncomfortable,” as Shake spars with Vanessa Lachey. And then, like 10 seconds later, Shake tells Vanessa she is the only woman there he is attracted to. We were extremely uncomfortable too, Shayne. 

Every single cast member comes for Shake. The Lacheys come for Shake. And he does not stand down until Deepti addresses him. When Deepti talks to Shake you can see a change. His eyes appear glassy. His posture changes. He is no longer sitting up in attack mode nor manspreading on a very tight couch. She may pacify him for a moment, but there is no redemption for Shake.

The year is 2022, y’all. The rom-com should not be dead, but not all bad men get a redemption story, no matter how hard the producers try to help them. And so Shake is not Harry, even if Deepti would make an excellent Sally.

Image: Courtesy of Netflix

‘Love Is Blind’ Teased More Body Diversity In Season 2—But Did It Deliver?

Love Is Blind has returned for season two and is once again taking Netflix and the internet by storm. The reality dating show is currently trending top 2 in the U.S. on Netflix, and with the final episode now out, #LoveIsBlind is also trending on Twitter. The popular reality show revolves around 30 eligible singles talking to potential matches from a solitary room behind an opaque wall—known on the show as a “pod”—and getting engaged without ever seeing each other’s faces. As hosts Vanessa and Nick Lachey painstakingly remind us, the objective is to form a “deep emotional connection” to find out, “Is love truly blind?” A common criticism of season 1 boiled down to, “well, sure, if you’re hot and thin.” Season 2 seemed like it could have been trying to address those criticisms: the trailer depicts contestant Danielle Ruhl talking about her insecurities from growing up heavier. In the teaser, Iyanna McNeeley says, “this experiment interests me because I don’t have boobs and a butt.” And there were notably a few plus-size contestants in the pods. While season 2 gave a little more in the way of body diversity, was it enough?

Season 1 of Love Is Blind came out in February 2020 and by that April, had been watched by some 30 million people, but not everyone was enamored with the concept. Jerrica Tisdale noted in Screenrant in March 2020 of season 1’s cast, ““No one is overweight, no one has bad skin, and very few are different races.” She wrote, Love Is Blind had the ability to challenge norms by going beyond the stereotypical looking cast,” but “Instead the show proved that yes, love is blind—if you fit into the standards of beauty.” Mathew Rodriguez wrote for Teen Vogue that season 1’s omission of fat people “stings of structural anti-fat bias.” 

There is a stark lack of body diversity on reality TV in general, but part of the criticism toward this show specifically has to do with the fact that Love Is Blind isn’t just a reality dating show—or, at least, it doesn’t position itself that way. It’s a “social experiment” designed to explore if people can find lasting love without seeing a romantic prospect first. But experiments are supposed to reveal something, and is it much of a revelation to discover that attractive people can fall in love sight unseen, so long as the object of their affection also fits what’s typically associated with being conventionally attractive—thin, symmetrical features, non-disabled, well-groomed, etc.?

Season 2, which premiered on February 11, had a few contestants who stretched the mold of the types of bodies we usually see on reality TV, namely, Hope Antoniello-Foley, Chassidy Mickale, and Haseeb Husn. But any hope of seeing plus-size people fall in love was dashed by the end of the first episode, when they effectively faded from our screens and our memories. When all is said and done, Hope gets by far the most screen time—about 30 seconds altogether in the first episode. Chassidy gets 10 seconds. Haseeb gets to speak for three seconds, when he makes a crack to fellow contestant Nick Thompson about turning his notebook into an Excel spreadsheet.

Some Twitter users felt like the body positive message of including plus-size cast members was a bait-and-switch. “I was so excited to see plus-sized women on Love Is Blind and then we didn’t see them after the first episode,” wrote one Twitter user. “The show acts like it’s promoting body diversity but then perpetuates the idea that only skinny/fit people fall in love. Love is blind? Still seemed physical to me.”

Chris Coelen, creator and executive producer of Love Is Blind, tells Betches that Love Is Blind is not purposefully perpetuating any one ideal. “We throw the doors open to all kinds of people, and we don’t have time on the show to tell lots of stories of people who are there, but don’t ultimately make connections. He says Hope, Chassidy, and Haseeb went away “because they didn’t find love, and if they had found love, we would tell those stories. We completely approach the show from a non-prejudicial place.”

Additionally, Coelen doesn’t necessarily agree that the show sets out to prove its own hypothesis. “The POV of the show is not love is blind, the POV of the show is, could it be?” he says. “I think it proves that the potential is there for us to love one another… but I think it’s also honest, in that there’s a lot of other factors in the world that are important to people.”

Hope Antoniello-Foley, one of the plus-size women cast in season 2, also says she wasn’t bothered by the cuts. “Even if it was a couple minutes each episode, I was very happy with what was shown for me,” she says. “They represented me, my looks that I think were shown a couple times—that’s me in general, that’s me in life.” 

Kate Stayman-London, activist and author of One To Watch, a romance novel about a plus-size woman being the lead of a reality TV dating show (à la The Bachelorette), was disappointed by the cuts, however, and equally upset with the footage we did see. What I didn’t anticipate was that the fat people on the show simply wouldn’t get to speak at all and would disappear without any interaction other than one fat woman getting to say that she doesn’t like to work out,” Stayman-London says. 

That soundbite in particular reinforces harmful stereotypes, she says. “It is implying that any person who is fat is that because they choose to be fat, and they’re lazy. And if they would just get off their butt and go for a run or eat a vegetable once in a while, that they wouldn’t have to be fat anymore.” In fact, there was a reason Antoniello-Foley wasn’t working out around the time Love Is Blind filmed. “I had just lost 40 pounds,” she says. “I was at a calorie deficit.” She was walking a lot and “eating really clean.”

And for a show whose premise is moving past the physical, there were a number of discussions revolving around weight loss in season 2 of Love Is Blind. In the first episode, Danielle Ruhl tells Nick Thompson about how she lost 70 pounds. She says, “but now every single interaction I have with someone I’m afraid they’re gonna be like, ‘oh her arms look big here’ or ‘her stomach looks big here.’”

“I’m sure that’s painful and uncomfortable for her,” says Stayman-London, adding, “What a shitty thing to say, to say that your fear in dating is that someone might see you as looking like the way that most women look.” (The average woman in America is a size 16 or 18.)

Meanwhile, Antoniello-Foley says that she was inspired to apply for the show after getting discouraged with how shallow dating apps can be. “I think too many times men want this, you know, tall blonde or this stick thin woman. And that’s not the norm. And I think we need to change that a little.” 

A big reality TV fan, Antoniello-Foley knows that most of the contestants she sees on the other reality TV shows she watches (The Bachelor, Are You The One?, Love Island) are thin—but Love Is Blind felt like an opportunity for her to participate in a show like this anyway. “I’m not sure I would have the confidence to go apply to The Bachelorette—or if I did, I feel as if they’ve got a body type that I may not even been moved to the next round because of that, whereas applying to Love Is Blind, that’s the whole concept,” she says.

“It’s no secret that a lot of reality television and particularly where romance plots are involved don’t tend to have a lot of diversity, and particularly not when it comes to inclusive body representation,” Stayman-London says. “Two thirds of women in America wear size 14 and above, but you are almost never going to see women wearing those sizes, or men, for that matter, on almost any of these shows.”

When Antonio-Foley was ultimately cast on Love Is Blind, even the “blind” part of the “social experiment” didn’t shield her from insecurities, knowing the typical make-up of a reality TV cast. “What if they were to compare me to the other 15 Girls? What would the guy—if I ended up with somebody—be like, ‘Oh, well, I think so-and-so’s prettier. She’s skinnier.” 

Love Is Blind season 2 isn’t the first time a reality dating show’s treatment of body insecurities has left fans feeling underwhelmed. A January 2022 episode of The Bachelor, in which a group of thin, conventionally attractive women read aloud their body insecurities on a group date, was met with criticism since the show has yet to cast a plus-size woman as either a lead or even a contestant. (Also, immediately after the group date, Bachelor Clayton Echard went on a one-on-one in which he and Sarah had to strip down to their underwear. Talk about mixed messages.)

“I think we’re making progress,” says Antoniello-Foley nonetheless of body diversity on reality TV—and Stayman-London has a good guess why. 

“I think one of the biggest tricks that’s been played on fat people is to feel ashamed and to feel like you don’t deserve to demand what you want and what you want to see,” she says. But when viewers speak up—whether about representation or racism—networks seem to be listening. 

“I think what we’re seeing now is some real changes, seeing more and more fat people speak up and say, ‘hey, it’s bullshit that I can’t turn on my television and see more people who look like me.’ We are seeing that change much, much more than we had before. And hopefully, we’ll start to see it change in a really dramatic way going forward.

Antoniello-Foley hopes her Love Is Blind journey, however brief, encourages women who might not fit the typical reality TV mold to go after their dreams—on-screen or otherwise. “ I want to change that mentality and be that voice for females that feel confident enough in who they are to apply,” she says. 

While Love Is Blind has a way to go in becoming an experiment for people of all sizes, it’s worth noting that the whole premise may be a bit of a misnomer. The Merchant of Venice quote from which the phrase derives goes, “But love is blind, and lovers cannot see / The pretty follies that themselves commit.” It has less to do with emotional feelings overcoming initial physical attraction and more to do with people in love ignoring red flags or not realizing their own irrational behavior. As far as that interpretation goes, the show definitely proves that’s the case—and that type of blindness can affect people of any size, not just the couples we follow on shows like Love Is Blind.

Image: Ser Baffo/Netflix

The ‘Love Is Blind’ Couples Ranked By Who Will Actually Make It

Netflix wants us to believe they created the secret recipe to lasting love on Love Is Blind—lasting love found on a reality show, that is. But not every duo on the second season of Netflix’s reality dating show will last the test of time. Here are our official rankings of which couples have what it takes to make it to the altar and past the end of the reunion. Mild spoilers ahead if you haven’t started the series, but like, catch up.

Shaina and Kyle

Kyle Abrams, Shaina Hurley in season 2 of Love Is Blind

We can’t lie, we’re seeing a perfect future for these two. White picket fence, golden retriever, 2.5 kids, the full American Dream, y’all! Just kidding. You have to really not be feeling someone to leave an all-expenses-paid trip to Mexico, but that’s just what Shaina did. Netflix even gave Shaina her own hotel room and she still chose to leave—in her bathrobe, no less.

Kyle did not give up, though, and even went to meet Shaina’s family before she officially broke things off because he wasn’t “godly” enough for her. There is no hope of reconciliation for these two. So, ladies of Chicago, if you’re looking for a burly man who is willing to put differing religious views aside, probably to his own detriment, Kyle’s DMs are open. 

Mallory and Salvador

Mallory Zapata, Salvador Perez in season 2 of Love Is Blind

Sallory, Malvador, there are so many great couple names for these two. But that’s about all they’ve got. In the pods, Mallory chose Sal over Jarrette. But after accepting Sal’s proposal, things went downhill. Upon meeting face-to-face, Mallory was not attracted to Sal and we all felt it, even Sal.

In Mexico, things got awkward when Jarrette and Mallory saw each other for the first time. Sal saw the sparks fly between his fiancée and another man, but Mallory assured Sal that she wanted him. And we really want to believe Mallory. But no matter how many times Sal pulls out the ukulele, this just ain’t it. We don’t see these two saying yes at the altar—or, rather, we don’t see one of them saying yes. Mallory can’t keep lying to herself that Sal is the one. And love might be blind, but Sal is not. And he can see his fiancée does not want to marry him.

Shayne and Natalie

Natalie Lee, Shayne Jansen in season 2 of Love Is Blind

They do say opposites attract, and it is very safe to say these two are opposites. Shayne’s limitless enthusiasm is an interesting match to Natalie’s quiet wit, but they saw something we’re not sure we did. 

Post-proposal, they quickly worked through some communication issues. Shayne’s love language is clearly words of affirmation, so Natalie learned she must vocalize how hot she thinks Shayne is several times a day. Back in the real world, they also faced the wrath of Shaina, who tried, unsuccessfully, to tear them apart. Jessica who?

Obstacles have been overcome, but do they have what it takes to make it long-term? We give them a soft maybe. Shayne is a puppy who needs constant attention and Natalie gives off cat lady vibes with her sarcastic humor. We want these two to prove us wrong, but while opposites attract, they don’t necessarily sustain lifelong partnerships. 

Nick and Danielle 

Nick Thomas and Danielle Ruhl in season 2 of Love Is Blind

First off, let’s all give Nick a round of applause for being the gossip of the season. This man loves to spill tea, and we are here for it. But now to the couple. 

Nick and Danielle were the first proposal we watched in the pods. He was awkward and nerdy. She opened up about her body issues and anxieties. It was beautiful. But shortly after consummating their engagement in Mexico—in Nick’s words, “twice, in three different places”— their issues started. Danielle’s omnipresent anxieties and trust issues, Nick’s need for control, and an 8-year age gap led to many a tough conversation.

Nick wants to stay in and alphabetize his DVDs. Danielle is too young to own DVDs. But even with their differences, these two dweebs really love each other. We could see a future for them, if they continue to compromise and work on their trust issues. But, judging by his grimace and sweat levels, there is a strong possibility Nick says no at the altar, and Danielle goes home alone to her closet full of food-themed costumes.

Jarrette and Iyanna 

Iyanna McNeely, Jarrette Jones in season 2 of Love Is Blind

No one wants to come in second. And Iyanna was technically Jarrette’s second choice after Mallory turned him down. But we must move past that because these two get an A+ in chemistry. They can’t keep their hands off each other. They’re playful. And we’ve watched them work through some tough issues and have some raw conversations.

However, at home, the differences in their personalities emerged. Iyanna wants to stay in binging shows and cuddling on the couch. And Jarrette wants to go out, like really go out. But Jarrette, hear us when we say, no one needs to go out until 3am three times a week. Who has the stamina for that? 

If Jarrette can stop living his bachelor lifestyle and Iyanna can get past Jarrette’s initial connection with Mallory, their love will carry them to their wedding day and beyond. We have high hopes for a long-lasting love affair here. 

Shake and Deepti

Deepti Vempati, Abhishek Chatterjee in season 2 of Love Is Blind

Somebody give the Love Is Blind producers an Emmy for their editing of Shake. He was impossible to like at first. Somehow, he found a way to ask every woman her body size within the first five minutes of meeting them in the pods. Sir, the show is called Love Is Blind. Literally, go on any other dating show if you want to see a woman’s body before proposing. 

But Deepti—Deeps, as Shake calls her—tore down his walls. And with the help of Deeps, Shake had more character development in the pods than Harry Potter did in all seven books.  

Their initial face-to-face meeting was powerful. Shake grabbed Deeps’ ass and she was here for it. But then something changed. Shake loves this woman. She pushes him to be better, supports his career ambitions, makes him laugh, but—as he literally will not stop telling people, on camera no less—he is not physically attracted to her. And Deeps, who is literally oozing confidence and sex appeal, wants to be wanted. She wants a man that will grab her ass within five seconds of seeing each other for the first time. As should anyone!

Very hot take incoming, but I think these two can figure it out, they just need to get a little weird together: invest in some toys, try a little role play. They are built to last and will figure out how to figure each other out in the bedroom—or out of the bedroom. Get weird, you two! 

Vanessa and Nick Lachey 

Nick Lachey, Vanessa Lachey in season 2 of Love Is Blind

We know they didn’t meet in the pods, but they are a couple on the show so it’s fair game. The Lacheys are completely unnecessary to the show; Love Is Blind doesn’t need one host, let alone two, for the audience to understand what’s going on. This is evidenced by the fact that Nick and Vanessa are shown like, four times the whole season just to reiterate that the premise is, in fact, “To prove if love is really blind!” 

But in the combined seven-and-a-half minutes of screentime, we got what we needed to believe in their love story. It could also be argued their decade-long marriage and three children are enough proof of their successful love story. Again, we must repeat that they are totally unnecessary to the show, but we are here for the Lacheys! So, we hope they take this Netflix paycheck to the bank and live happily ever after.

Images: AARÓN ORTEGA (2), Patrick Wymore/NETFLIX; Courtesy of Netflix 

A Breakdown Of The ‘Too Hot To Handle’ Contestants

Right now there’s nothing I’m looking forward to more than Netflix dropping its new trashy reality dating show, Too Hot To Handle. Well, I’m also looking forward to the day I can leave my house and enjoy the company of another human person, but I don’t dare to dream that impossible dream. So reality TV it is! Earlier this week I watched the trailer and determined that Too Hot To Handle is going to be the successor to Love is Blind, only with more alcohol, a cash prize, and a robot named Lana who will shame the contestants when they try to get away with playing “just the tip”. She’s not mad, she’s just disappointed. So, who are these lucky contestants that get to keep it in their pants for cash? Let’s break them down! 

Chloe Veitch, Essex, United Kingdom

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You were my cup of tea. But unfortunately I now drink champagne🥂

A post shared by Too Hot To Handle- Chloe (@chloeveitchofficial) on

Chloe is a model who is only 19. Wow, Netflix. Was this filmed on Jeffrey Epstein’s island? I’m calling the police. Anyway, since Chloe is so young, look for her to not be able to hold her liquor and slur profess her undying love for the first boy that carries around a skateboard and tells her he doesn’t subscribe to relationship labels. In fact, her bio says, “She once fell head over heels for someone and after only two weeks she got a tattoo on her collarbone of the date they met”. Let’s hope there are no tattoo artists on this island! 

David Birtwistle, London, United Kingdom

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It’s rare I do this but more recently I’ve been looking back and looking forward because the right now isn’t too exciting . Being at home so much with less to do than normal, it’s given me time to reflect on what I love about life . 1) Freedom – to travel, to talk, to think, to create, to do. It is a great privilege to do all of them and something that brings me great joy. 2) Flexibility – monotony kills my happiness. I want the variety and the new. New experiences shape our beliefs and allow us to grow as people. Being stuck in the same environment provides no new stimulus to evolve. 3) Family – Riding solo is fun but lacks depth. The more I invest in people, show them my vulnerabilities, flaws and talk openly with them, the deeper our relationships go. . How many of the people you used to hang out with are actually checking in with you at the moment? . By taking this time of a slightly less fast paced life, I’m learning a lot about myself, that I can hopefully take into the future. . What have you learned about yourself recently? . #actionsreflectpriorities

A post shared by Too Hot To Handle – David (@david.birtwistle) on

David is, obviously, a personal trainer with a health and nutrition guide titled “Fat Loss Plan.” Well, I guess It’s always good to know they’re not creative right out of the gate, right? David also has the longest Instagram captions that I have ever seen, so I’m sure he will be mansplaining all the rules to the women like, “Now see that robot over there? A robot is a machine that can talk, by the way. The robot said that on this island we will not be able to do any sexual activity if we want to win money. Now, sexual activity includes kissing and sex, but she never specifically said that you couldn’t suck my dick so best to get on with it, then.”  

Francesca Farago, British Columbia, Canada 

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@fashionnova🍸 who else is ready for a saturday quarantini? fashionnovapartner 🙋🏽‍♀️

A post shared by TOO HOT TO HANDLE (@francescafarago) on

Francesca eats plant-based so she is probably f*cking miserable to be around, but she definitely looks great in a bikini! And in lingerie. And topless. All of which are looks that Francesca models on her Instagram. According to her Netflix bio, Francesca is a “free spirit and a thrill-seeker” who is “not afraid to break the rules.” Uh-oh. So basically, Francesca ends up disobeying Lana on night one, and though she goes home early, she goes home satisfied.

Haley Cureton, Florida, United States

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U ever get ready for class but then u feeling yourself so u end up going somewhere else cause that happens to me every day

A post shared by Too Hot To Handle – Haley (@haley.cure) on

It looks like Netflix was smart enough to forage for contestants in a dumpster at the Jacksonville Hooters! Never say these casting directors don’t know what they’re doing. Haley is a business student and volunteers at an animal shelter in her free time. How sweet! Also, according to her bio, she “once got a tattoo done in an ‘unknown language’—to this day she still doesn’t know what it says.” I can’t make this up! Florida, you never fail to deliver. Haley is also open to exploring relationships with both men and women, which is going to make this game an awful lot harder for her. Best of luck to you Haley, you never even had a chance! 

Harry Jowsey, Queensland, Australia

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Hi to all my new friends ✨🙌🏽 where are you from? Thanks for joining us on this journey 🤓

A post shared by Too Hot To Handle – Harry ⚡️ (@harryjowsey) on

Damn, Harry already has almost 150k followers, and I can’t seem to figure out why. Maybe it’s because he’s 6’5”? He calls himself a “giraffe on ice” in his bio, so obviously he knows comedy. Netflix warns that he turns heads as soon as he walks onto the island, so look for Harry to lose the group a ton of money, but make a joke about it, and have everyone still patting him on the back as he turns their bank account red. 

Kelechi Dyke, London, United Kingdom

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She said wow you got style, I just smiled like im proud. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . #party #yolo #livelife #fun #happy #instagood #twelveskip #instamood #statigram #iphonesia #igers #instadaily #tweegram #instagramhub #follow #bestoftheday #iphoneonly #igdaily #picstitch #followme #webstagram #jj #picoftheday #all_shots #instagood #instamood #statigram #iphonesia #twelveskip #igers #instadaily #tweegram #instagramhub #follow #bestoftheday #iphoneonly #igdaily #picstitch #followme #webstagram #jj #picoftheday

A post shared by Too Hot To Handle – K E L Z✨ (@kelechidyke) on

Kelechi is 6’6”. What is with this height listing? We get it! You all have big d*cks! I’m so happy for you! Now, if only you didn’t wear that Gucci crossbody bag everywhere, Kelechi, maybe I would care more. I swear if he brings that to the island, he’s the winner. That thing is a modern-day chastity belt. 

Matthew Smith, Colorado, United States

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I’d invite you inside my mind, if I felt you could survive it.

A post shared by Too Hot To Handle – Matthew✨ (@matthewstephensmith) on

Matthew has a man bun, competed for America’s Next Top Model, CARRIES A SKATEBOARD, and has many mottos, one of which is, “I skinny dip in every sea anywhere I go.” Oh, poor Chloe. He is going to neg you all season, sweetheart. Matty is 1,000% in this for the fame, so I’m sure we’ll see him displaying his range of emotions in the hopes of getting cast as Jesus in a Mel Gibson epic when this is over, but instead only landing bit parts like “dead carpenter #3” on Law & Order: SVU. Hey, he could do worse! 

Nicole O’Brien, County Cork, Ireland

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🌹

A post shared by Too Hot To Handle- Nicole (@nicole.ob) on

Too Hot To Handle has not even dropped yet, and Nicole has already set up a Cameo where you can book her for $35. A little rich for someone with less than 10k Instagram followers, no? She must be very confident in her edit. Which probably means she’s the villain who goes after everyone else’s man. She did, apparently, work on yachts “in Chicago for two years hosting Kanye West, Justin Bieber, and Jay-Z,” so if that doesn’t make you an expert in attention whore behavior, I don’t know what does. Oh, and she definitely speaks with a breathless sexy baby voice. Just a hunch, but man, she looks the type. 

Rhonda Paul, Georgia, United States

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💋

A post shared by Too Hot To Handle-Rhonda Paul (@imrhondapaul) on

In the trailer, Rhonda says she would rate herself a 10 out of 10, and it’s hard to disagree. Normally I hate people who are so arrogant, but they’re way more fun on a reality show than watching someone mumble into the mirror “you repulse me.” I already get enough of that at home! Rhonda claims she is “bored” with the dating scene in Atlanta. A girl that is bored with the dating scene is either me a girl who spends her Friday nights re-watching old Degrassi episodes on YouTube while wearing a shirt with three-day-old pizza sauce stains on it, or a girl who has banged her way through an entire city’s worth of men. I’ll let you guess which one Rhonda probably is.

Sharron Townsend, New Jersey, USA

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I was born naked and I’ll die naked! • • • • 📸: @carlitosm_21 • • • #SelfWorth #MaleModel #ImpliedNude #SendNoods #YoungWildAndFree #FitnessMotivation #BlackAndWhitePhotography #MensHealth #MensFitness

A post shared by Too Hot To Handle- Sharron🇯🇲🇺🇸 (@sharrontownsendofficial) on

And, because no trashy reality show is complete without a contestant from my very beautiful home state of New Jersey, we have Sharron. Sharron is a personal trainer and professional kids wrestling coach who likes hitting on the moms and is apparently incredibly comfortable with nudity. Expect him to be the exhibitionist who somehow never has a towel nearby when he gets out of the shower! Where could it have gone?? But in his defense, Sharron says he was born naked, and he’ll die naked. And you can’t die naked if you’re not ALWAYS naked. He won’t be taking the risk of wearing clothes, no thank you. 

Bryce Hirschberg, California, USA

 

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Will I ever move off the boat? Not unless I can match this morning view 😍

A post shared by Too Hot To Handle – Bryce ⚓️ (@brycehirschberg) on

Bryce lives in Marina del Rey. He looks like a male model and mediocre actor. And he could definitely hang a TV in seven minutes. I think we all know what that means. I predict that while Bryce is a loser on Too Hot To Handle, when he comes home, Scheana Shay slides into his DM’s and they become BEST FRIENDS. He has sex with her once. And then he spends the rest of his life unsuccessfully trying to extract himself from her death grip. The end!

Kori Sampson, Hertfordshire, United Kingdom

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Can’t wait to get back on a plane somewhere peng ✈️ yesssir

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Kori is also a male model and personal trainer! Shocking! His guide is called “Lean Lifestyle”, for which I will award higher creativity points solely for the use of alliteration. I do wish all these contestants would stop shoving their healthy plans down my throat, though, because I will be binge-eating chocolate covered Oreos while binge-watching this show, and you can’t stop me!

Lydia Clyma, London, United Kingdom

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Isnt it crazy that we watch people get punched in the face for entertainment? 🥊 We spend money to watch, we get paid to work at events and we place bets on who can knock the other one out sooner? Humans will forever be a questionable species 🥴 but regardless, I love it! Working in boxing and MMA isnt just my job, but my hobby 💫

A post shared by Too Hot To Handle – LYDIA 🦋 (@lydiaclyma) on

Lydia seems to be some kind of ring girl for boxing? Is that what it’s called? I’m more of a baseball fan and I don’t watch Total Bellas, so the breadth of my knowledge on this topic is v limited. But I think it means she likes watching grown men beat the sh*t out of each other, right? I assume this will help Lydia on the island very much, she’ll stir the pot just so the men fight over her and she can feel like she’s home again for a few beautiful seconds. Evil strategy, but I like it.

Madison Wyborny, California, USA

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For a girl that’s always on the move, I panicked at the thought of not being able to work or go anywhere at first for months. But now I sit here in my hometown, appreciating this time I’m able to decompress and just stop for a second. I’m sure many of us like myself never take time in our normal everyday lives to just slow down and be present. Wherever there’s negative you can find positive right next door. Your outlook inspires your output. The world may never stop for us again. x

A post shared by Too Hot To Handle🪐MADISON (@madisonwyborny) on

Madison is a model who is quarantining in Bali. So, and I mean this with all my heart, f*ck you Madison, I hope you lose.

And those are our Too Hot To Handle contestants so far! May the odds be ever in their favor, and may they all make fools of themselves on tv for my entertainment. 

Images: Netflix; chloeveitchofficial, david.birtwistle, francescafarago, haley.cure, harryjowsey, kelechidyke, matthewstephensmith, nicole.ob, imrhondapaul, sharrontownsendofficial/ Instagram

Why ‘Too Hot To Handle’ Is Going To Be The Next ‘Love Is Blind’

As we enter into yet another week of our never-ending stay-at-home order, we rely on a few comforts to help get us through the uncertainty and terror of this time. Napping at all hours of the day? Definitely. Eating every single snack we just bought at the grocery store that was supposed to last us two weeks? Of course! Dressing our dog up like the Queen of England and pretending we’re at high tea? Who among us hasn’t?! But, most importantly, we rely on Netflix to continuously drop the most absurd shows (Hi, Tiger King! Hi, Love is Blind!) that allow us to forget for just a little while that we are actually living in a game of Jumanji. And Netflix is coming through for us yet again on Friday, April 17th, when they drop their next reality dating show, Too Hot to Handle. They just released the trailer, and it looks like exactly the amount of trash we all need in our lives right now (which is Britney-in-a-gas-station-bathroom-without-her-shoes level of trash). So, let’s take a look at the trailer, break it down, and talk about why Too Hot To Handle is most definitely going to be a worthy successor to our last reality obsession, Love is Blind.

I’m going to leave the trailer for you right here, please watch it, take copious notes, and then come back to me to discuss.

There sure is a lot to unpack, so let’s go over the basics. Too Hot to Handle features 10 hot singles on an island in bikinis, drinking excessive amounts of alcohol out of Solo cups, and in a competition for $100,000. Seems pretty easy, right? But of course, there is a twist, because Netflix is nothing if not a sick bastard. A cone shaped robot named Lana tells the contestants that in order to win the money, they have to abstain from sexual activity. I shrieked. These people literally arrived on the island slathered in their favorite lube, and they aren’t allowed to have sex?! Have you seen anything sadder in your whole life?

What the contestants thought the island was going to be like:

What it’s actually like:

After the robot drops its bombshell, the contestants slowly remove their penises from whatever hole they had immediately stuck them in, and proceed to lose their minds. This seems like it’s going to be fun! Well for me, at least—the raging hormones disguised as people stuck on this sexless island seem a little less enthused.

So what else is notable about the trailer, I mean, other than the fact that one dude is obviously going to f*ck a fish? Well, a lot of these people appear to be British, which makes me wonder if they think Americans are not garbage enough for this show? If so, I’d like to point them in the direction of a brilliant piece of art known as Are You The One? for proof that you can most certainly peel some of us off a sticky linoleum floor in Jacksonville and convince us to humiliate ourselves on TV for a small amount of money and a can of Axe Body Spray. Something to consider for next season! It’s also cute that one of the women thinks that because of the format, “maybe more can come from this.” Adorable. I think it means he’s just going to bang you when you get home and then ghost you, but it’s nice to have dreams! 

We also see someone saying “I don’t want to break the rules,” and then a montage of a LOT of rule breaking. So I think it is safe to say that even though hooking up isn’t allowed, there will be a bunch of people claiming that they didn’t mean to, they just fell and somehow it slipped in! That can’t count, right? Lana would never take away money for such an innocent accident, would she?

If anything is clear from watching this trailer, though, it’s that Too Hot To Handle is the OBVIOUS successor to Love is Blind, and might even improve upon its predecessor. First of all, they’ve replaced Nick and Vanessa Lachey with a talking triangle with some pretty blue lights, and it delivers lines better than they ever did. Sorry Lacheys, no more free vacations for you. You’ll have to do sponsored Instagram ads pimping out your children like the rest of the C-listers if you want a summer vacay!

There also appears to be way more partying on Too Hot To Handle, which I’m thankful for. I was a little tired of watching only Jessica get sloshed in every episode of Love is Blind

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Lemme get a lil taste . . . . #Follow @loveisblindtv for more #LoveIsBlind memes 😂 #loveisblindmemes #loveisblindnetflix #lol

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Okay fine, I wasn’t, that was pure gold, but I want to see ALL the contestants bring shame on their families by drinking too much pinot grigio and hitting on someone else’s man. And finally, Too Hot To Handle has a similar premise to Love is Blind. Robot Lana explains to the contestants, much more eloquently than Nick ever did, that the reason they can’t have sex is so they gain deeper connections with one another. I’m not sure why this “deep connection” thing is the hill Netflix is willing to die on in 2020, but most likely because it’s making them a sh*t ton of cash and not because they care about people forming successful relationships built on love and respect, right?

I have to admit, I’m excited for this one. And not just because I think it’s going to end with the robot slaughtering all the contestants and taking over the island to breed little Lanas that will eventually conquer the world. But because we all watched Love is Blind, and now in real life we’re stuck dating in isolation pods, so if we all watch Too Hot To Handle, at least we’ll be stuck on an island after this, even if we must be abstinent. CAN’T WAIT!

Images: giphy (3); loveisblindtv/Instagram; Netflix

‘Love Is Blind’ Reunion Recap: The Hot Mess Jess Express

Can you guys believe I’m back to recap a reality show where everyone except one of the couples should not be together? No, I’m not talking about Vanderpump Rules, but Love is Blind, the Netflix sensation sweeping the nation.

Vanessa and Obviously Nick Lachey are back to host and to once again prove to us that their entire presence on this show is completely useless. How many times do you think the phrase “you got ENGAGED to someone SIGHT UNSEEN regardless of LOOKS, RACE, INCOME” will be uttered? Take a shot for every time it’s said, and then meet me in the hospital immediately after the show.

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Nick & Vanessa Lachey every 16 seconds: you got engaged to someone you NEVER SAW. You’re here to PROVE if LOVE is really BLIND. This is a REVOLUTIONARY EXPERIME—

— sarafcarter (@sarafcarter) February 29, 2020

Here at the reunion are Lauren and Cam, Amber and Barnett, Jessica and Mark, Kenny and Kelly, and Diamond and Carlton. Amber has gone blonde, and I do feel like that choice better captures her chaotic energy. 

Mark, Jessica, Diamond, Carlton, and Kelly are currently single, and miraculously, both couples that got married on the show are still married. I’ve got to say, I fully expected Barnett and Amber to implode by now. 

Damian and Gigi are back together, which isn’t a shock really since we knew that already. It is a shock in the sense that they are extremely toxic, but whatever, it’s not my life.

First up is Kenny and Kelly. Kenny is dating someone, but Kelly is single. Since the show, Kelly’s dated one of her best friends who was at their wedding. And meanwhile, I’ve been going on year five without a man, so… somebody nominate me for season 2. Kelly says some B.S. about “growth” and her “journey” from the show or whatever, and Kenny is flexing real hard that he’s got a new girlfriend. I can’t hate the guy because I’d be doing the same thing, though.

Amber’s first comment is that she “hasn’t killed Barnett yet”, which honestly, I really thought would happen. Well, more accurately, I thought she’d pull a Lorena Bobbitt on him, but same idea. 

So Gigi and Damian are “so together” (once again, methinks the lady doth protest too much). She already starts tearing up while talking about waking up next to Damian every day. Call me cynical, but I’m going to stick to my theory that they’re both actors. That was a pretty good performance, though, I’ll give them that.

Lauren and Cam, dream couple, are still married, and Mark is single, wearing less and going out more. Ya love to see it.

Barnett looks back on him leading on three girls in the pod simultaneously and has #noregrets. They never do, do they? He claims he’s “not super good with girls.”

All of us: 

We know what we saw in the pod, Barnett.

Amber talks about how all the girls were together in the pod (I forgot about that part) and she and LC had an agreement that they just wouldn’t talk about Barnett to each other. Jessica, meanwhile, told Amber that Barnett was proposing (she was also holding her beloved bottle of Joel Gott red wine and slurring her words at the time, classic Messica). Amber calls Jessica sheisty for throwing herself at Barnett in Mexico. Honestly, go off sis. 

Jessica admits that she didn’t take Barnett’s rejection very well (you can say that again) and apologizes to Amber. Good move Jessica, Amber won’t stab you in the heart with her stiletto heel… today. Jessica says she has no hard feelings toward Amber, to which Amber just laughs. Jessica, on second thought, you might want to sleep with one eye open.

Vanessa and Nick are so f*cking messy, asking Amber if she accepts Jessica’s apology, and then when Amber explains her thought process that she felt like she looked like a fool for being friends with Jessica, they just cut in like “okay but do you accept the apology OR NAH?”

Black Chyna Texting Other Girls

DO YOU ACCEPT JESSICA’S APOLOGY, YES OR NO!

Like damn, let Amber speak! I know y’all want to be seen as relevant or at all integral to this show, but we didn’t come here for you.

Amber says she accepts “the intent behind the apology” but not the apology itself yet. I love that non-acceptance-acceptance, it feels straight out of the Real Housewives of Potomac.

So everyone loves Lauren (same), and Damian reminisces on how he and Lauren used to talk to each other in Star Wars voices and had a great time in the pod, and Giannina is plotting all the ways in which she could murder her and then flee the country, never to be heard from again.

Me to Lauren:

Why am I relating everything to murder in this recap? Because of who I am as a person.

We relive Carlton and Diamond’s engagement. Oh, this is gonna be awkward. I’m taking a deep breath as we revisit the Carlton/Diamond breakup in Mexico. For the record, I can see both sides. If I were Diamond, I’d be upset that Carlton had all the time in the pods to bring up his sexuality, but waited until we were engaged to reveal that to me. But on the other hand, I can obviously understand why Carlton would be hesitant to share that information. And if Diamond didn’t have a problem with his sexuality in the first place, then the revelation probably would not have been a big deal, even with the timing.

Wow, I almost forgot how Carlton told Diamond to watch her wig. A truly iconic reality TV moment.

Carlton cries and expresses regret for not talking to Diamond earlier. I can’t tell if I would be happy if these two got back together. Their fight was explosive, but they were kinda cute in the pods?

Okay, never mind, Diamond says that she would never be back with Carlton because of the way he disrespected her during their fight.

Obviously, Nick is like, “I think what I’m hearing from both of you is that you both regret being messy af during that fight.” Yeah dude, we’ve spent the last 10 minutes saying exactly that.

Then Carlton gets up, says he’s NOT PROPOSING, kneels down with a ring box, to… apologize and give Diamond the ring back? Damn, Love is Blind has a higher budget than The Bachelor if Carlton is allowed to keep the ring. In The Bachelor, they have to be married for 2 years or else that shit goes back to Neil Lane.

Vanessa: OMG, I’m speechless.

Ok, stay that way! We didn’t come here for y’all!

Next up is the Damian and Gigi show, where Gigi claims she didn’t go into the pods with a pre-planned idea of proposing to Damian. Sure, Jan. Sure.

They’re still dating, but not living together, which is actually… a sensible thing to do? I’m actually shocked.

Watching the clip back of Gigi giving Damian his “bow” back, he starts tearing up. Can somebody call LA and get this guy an acting gig!? He cries and apologizes for putting her through the embarrassment of getting left at the altar on TV, but says he’d do it again because they’re in a better place now.

Okay, Gigi acknowledges that she self-sabotages (take a drink, because just like SIGHT UNSEEN is Nick and Vanessa’s catchphrase, self-sabotage is hers), and admitted that she blew up in non-productive ways. HA! To all you who doubted me in the comments of my other article, I say, HA! 

And, she starts crying… ok, we get it, I’m convinced… of y’all’s acting skills. Just kidding, I’m sure they really love each other! I just can’t imagine watching that toxic tornado of a relationship on screen and thinking, “yeah, let’s totally give this another round.” These two really prove that love is blind, and also, unhealthy.

Vanessa is literally Lauren B. from The Bachelor, being like “I love that” to everything everybody says.

Vanessa: I love your love.
Me, audibly at my desk: Ew.

Now it’s time to talk about Kelly and Kenny, or as my friend put it, “the boring couple who I can’t believe didn’t get married in the end.” I do feel like they totally pulled a bait-and-switch on us, acting totally stable until the bitter end.

Kenny says all the takeaways he learned from the show, he applied to his new relationship. So he and his new gf only talk to each other through a wall! Just kidding, he’s learned to be vulnerable and whatever. Next.

Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Vanessa: I’ll say it: Kenny for President

Vanessa, we have enough white men in the race. We’re good.

Kelly immediately starts crying, and no wonder, because she’s gotten a lot of hate even though she says she and Kenny agreed to not get married beforehand. She says she loved Kenny but she wasn’t in love with him, and she wanted to continue dating but Kenny was like “nah, I’m good”. Ouch.

Kelly is all of us, admitting she’s friend-zoned all the good guys that she should probably be marrying. I’ll say it: Kelly for President! F*ck you, Vanessa.

Nick and Vanessa: Amber and Barnett, how’s married life been?
Barnett: Well, I live every day in constant fear that she’ll castrate me, so it’s a wild ride for sure.

I want to know if Amber has gotten a job, or at least a credit limit above $700? No shade, but I feel like a 12-year-old could get a higher credit limit than that. (Ok, maybe some shade.)

Amber admits that at one point she’d called a divorce lawyer, but they somehow made it through to the other side (maybe Amber realized she didn’t have enough money for a divorce?). 

Finally, it’s what everyone’s been waiting for: The Hot Mess Jess Express. Frankly, I’m a little disappointed to see Contrite Jessica. She’s recognizing she drank too much, admitting she was working through a lot of issues that caused her to say wild sh*t, apologizing to Mark for implying he’s not good-looking. Of course, I’m happy for her and her growth, but who’s bringing the drama this reunion? I guess I’ll have to take one for the team and do it *downs an entire bottle of Malbec* let’s go.

wine

Mark, true sensitive king, doesn’t throw Jessica under the bus, and still calls her a “phenomenal woman.” My exes wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire, how do I get a Mark in my life?

Mark does admit that he wishes Jessica had told him that she still had feelings for Barnett, and Jessica blames it on the fact that she was served whiskey. LMAO! There she is! I’m going to start saying “Well, I was served whiskey” any time someone calls me out for doing something crazy when drunk. Girl, I don’t think that’s how it works.

There’s honestly no real need to recap the Lauren and Cameron love story. They’re happy, we’re happy, everyone’s happy. They have a puppy, so they’re officially goals. 

Vanessa: We got a fur baby, and we were committing to what we’d be like as parents.

For the last time, Vanessa! This isn’t about you!

Cameron is such a cutie, talking about Lauren’s dad and crying. Cool, now I’m crying. I didn’t ask for this. They are the cutest, and if they ever break up I’ll have to take a week off work.

Lmao now Vanessa is crying. You know what girl, I’ll give you this one. Go ahead, cry it out.

Vanessa: Nick and I always said, this was a social experiment. This was a love experiment. But ultimately, your feelings were real.

Lol, acting as if they themselves designed the experiment instead of just popped up every time they were contractually obligated to give the same speech about LOVE BEING TRULY BLIND. Listen Netflix, on Love is Blind season 2, we don’t want a host. It’s not necessary. If you’re going to have a host, get Michelle Buteau from The Circle to make snarky remarks about everyone every 3 seconds. Otherwise, don’t bother.

And after going around the room and saying what everybody learned from the experience like this is f*cking summer camp, Vanessa has everyone raise their hands if they believe (get your drink ready) that love is really blind. Of course, everybody raises their hand. And with that, I leave you… to go apply for Love is Blind season 2. See you in the pods!

Images: Netflix; Giphy; sarafcarter / Twitter