A Breakdown Of The ‘Too Hot To Handle’ Contestants

Right now there’s nothing I’m looking forward to more than Netflix dropping its new trashy reality dating show, Too Hot To Handle. Well, I’m also looking forward to the day I can leave my house and enjoy the company of another human person, but I don’t dare to dream that impossible dream. So reality TV it is! Earlier this week I watched the trailer and determined that Too Hot To Handle is going to be the successor to Love is Blind, only with more alcohol, a cash prize, and a robot named Lana who will shame the contestants when they try to get away with playing “just the tip”. She’s not mad, she’s just disappointed. So, who are these lucky contestants that get to keep it in their pants for cash? Let’s break them down! 

Chloe Veitch, Essex, United Kingdom

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You were my cup of tea. But unfortunately I now drink champagne🥂

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Chloe is a model who is only 19. Wow, Netflix. Was this filmed on Jeffrey Epstein’s island? I’m calling the police. Anyway, since Chloe is so young, look for her to not be able to hold her liquor and slur profess her undying love for the first boy that carries around a skateboard and tells her he doesn’t subscribe to relationship labels. In fact, her bio says, “She once fell head over heels for someone and after only two weeks she got a tattoo on her collarbone of the date they met”. Let’s hope there are no tattoo artists on this island! 

David Birtwistle, London, United Kingdom

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It’s rare I do this but more recently I’ve been looking back and looking forward because the right now isn’t too exciting . Being at home so much with less to do than normal, it’s given me time to reflect on what I love about life . 1) Freedom – to travel, to talk, to think, to create, to do. It is a great privilege to do all of them and something that brings me great joy. 2) Flexibility – monotony kills my happiness. I want the variety and the new. New experiences shape our beliefs and allow us to grow as people. Being stuck in the same environment provides no new stimulus to evolve. 3) Family – Riding solo is fun but lacks depth. The more I invest in people, show them my vulnerabilities, flaws and talk openly with them, the deeper our relationships go. . How many of the people you used to hang out with are actually checking in with you at the moment? . By taking this time of a slightly less fast paced life, I’m learning a lot about myself, that I can hopefully take into the future. . What have you learned about yourself recently? . #actionsreflectpriorities

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David is, obviously, a personal trainer with a health and nutrition guide titled “Fat Loss Plan.” Well, I guess It’s always good to know they’re not creative right out of the gate, right? David also has the longest Instagram captions that I have ever seen, so I’m sure he will be mansplaining all the rules to the women like, “Now see that robot over there? A robot is a machine that can talk, by the way. The robot said that on this island we will not be able to do any sexual activity if we want to win money. Now, sexual activity includes kissing and sex, but she never specifically said that you couldn’t suck my dick so best to get on with it, then.”  

Francesca Farago, British Columbia, Canada 

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@fashionnova🍸 who else is ready for a saturday quarantini? fashionnovapartner 🙋🏽‍♀️

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Francesca eats plant-based so she is probably f*cking miserable to be around, but she definitely looks great in a bikini! And in lingerie. And topless. All of which are looks that Francesca models on her Instagram. According to her Netflix bio, Francesca is a “free spirit and a thrill-seeker” who is “not afraid to break the rules.” Uh-oh. So basically, Francesca ends up disobeying Lana on night one, and though she goes home early, she goes home satisfied.

Haley Cureton, Florida, United States

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U ever get ready for class but then u feeling yourself so u end up going somewhere else cause that happens to me every day

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It looks like Netflix was smart enough to forage for contestants in a dumpster at the Jacksonville Hooters! Never say these casting directors don’t know what they’re doing. Haley is a business student and volunteers at an animal shelter in her free time. How sweet! Also, according to her bio, she “once got a tattoo done in an ‘unknown language’—to this day she still doesn’t know what it says.” I can’t make this up! Florida, you never fail to deliver. Haley is also open to exploring relationships with both men and women, which is going to make this game an awful lot harder for her. Best of luck to you Haley, you never even had a chance! 

Harry Jowsey, Queensland, Australia

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Hi to all my new friends ✨🙌🏽 where are you from? Thanks for joining us on this journey 🤓

A post shared by Too Hot To Handle – Harry ⚡️ (@harryjowsey) on

Damn, Harry already has almost 150k followers, and I can’t seem to figure out why. Maybe it’s because he’s 6’5”? He calls himself a “giraffe on ice” in his bio, so obviously he knows comedy. Netflix warns that he turns heads as soon as he walks onto the island, so look for Harry to lose the group a ton of money, but make a joke about it, and have everyone still patting him on the back as he turns their bank account red. 

Kelechi Dyke, London, United Kingdom

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She said wow you got style, I just smiled like im proud. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . #party #yolo #livelife #fun #happy #instagood #twelveskip #instamood #statigram #iphonesia #igers #instadaily #tweegram #instagramhub #follow #bestoftheday #iphoneonly #igdaily #picstitch #followme #webstagram #jj #picoftheday #all_shots #instagood #instamood #statigram #iphonesia #twelveskip #igers #instadaily #tweegram #instagramhub #follow #bestoftheday #iphoneonly #igdaily #picstitch #followme #webstagram #jj #picoftheday

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Kelechi is 6’6”. What is with this height listing? We get it! You all have big d*cks! I’m so happy for you! Now, if only you didn’t wear that Gucci crossbody bag everywhere, Kelechi, maybe I would care more. I swear if he brings that to the island, he’s the winner. That thing is a modern-day chastity belt. 

Matthew Smith, Colorado, United States

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I’d invite you inside my mind, if I felt you could survive it.

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Matthew has a man bun, competed for America’s Next Top Model, CARRIES A SKATEBOARD, and has many mottos, one of which is, “I skinny dip in every sea anywhere I go.” Oh, poor Chloe. He is going to neg you all season, sweetheart. Matty is 1,000% in this for the fame, so I’m sure we’ll see him displaying his range of emotions in the hopes of getting cast as Jesus in a Mel Gibson epic when this is over, but instead only landing bit parts like “dead carpenter #3” on Law & Order: SVU. Hey, he could do worse! 

Nicole O’Brien, County Cork, Ireland

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🌹

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Too Hot To Handle has not even dropped yet, and Nicole has already set up a Cameo where you can book her for $35. A little rich for someone with less than 10k Instagram followers, no? She must be very confident in her edit. Which probably means she’s the villain who goes after everyone else’s man. She did, apparently, work on yachts “in Chicago for two years hosting Kanye West, Justin Bieber, and Jay-Z,” so if that doesn’t make you an expert in attention whore behavior, I don’t know what does. Oh, and she definitely speaks with a breathless sexy baby voice. Just a hunch, but man, she looks the type. 

Rhonda Paul, Georgia, United States

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💋

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In the trailer, Rhonda says she would rate herself a 10 out of 10, and it’s hard to disagree. Normally I hate people who are so arrogant, but they’re way more fun on a reality show than watching someone mumble into the mirror “you repulse me.” I already get enough of that at home! Rhonda claims she is “bored” with the dating scene in Atlanta. A girl that is bored with the dating scene is either me a girl who spends her Friday nights re-watching old Degrassi episodes on YouTube while wearing a shirt with three-day-old pizza sauce stains on it, or a girl who has banged her way through an entire city’s worth of men. I’ll let you guess which one Rhonda probably is.

Sharron Townsend, New Jersey, USA

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I was born naked and I’ll die naked! • • • • 📸: @carlitosm_21 • • • #SelfWorth #MaleModel #ImpliedNude #SendNoods #YoungWildAndFree #FitnessMotivation #BlackAndWhitePhotography #MensHealth #MensFitness

A post shared by Too Hot To Handle- Sharron🇯🇲🇺🇸 (@sharrontownsendofficial) on

And, because no trashy reality show is complete without a contestant from my very beautiful home state of New Jersey, we have Sharron. Sharron is a personal trainer and professional kids wrestling coach who likes hitting on the moms and is apparently incredibly comfortable with nudity. Expect him to be the exhibitionist who somehow never has a towel nearby when he gets out of the shower! Where could it have gone?? But in his defense, Sharron says he was born naked, and he’ll die naked. And you can’t die naked if you’re not ALWAYS naked. He won’t be taking the risk of wearing clothes, no thank you. 

Bryce Hirschberg, California, USA

 

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Will I ever move off the boat? Not unless I can match this morning view 😍

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Bryce lives in Marina del Rey. He looks like a male model and mediocre actor. And he could definitely hang a TV in seven minutes. I think we all know what that means. I predict that while Bryce is a loser on Too Hot To Handle, when he comes home, Scheana Shay slides into his DM’s and they become BEST FRIENDS. He has sex with her once. And then he spends the rest of his life unsuccessfully trying to extract himself from her death grip. The end!

Kori Sampson, Hertfordshire, United Kingdom

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Can’t wait to get back on a plane somewhere peng ✈️ yesssir

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Kori is also a male model and personal trainer! Shocking! His guide is called “Lean Lifestyle”, for which I will award higher creativity points solely for the use of alliteration. I do wish all these contestants would stop shoving their healthy plans down my throat, though, because I will be binge-eating chocolate covered Oreos while binge-watching this show, and you can’t stop me!

Lydia Clyma, London, United Kingdom

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Isnt it crazy that we watch people get punched in the face for entertainment? 🥊 We spend money to watch, we get paid to work at events and we place bets on who can knock the other one out sooner? Humans will forever be a questionable species 🥴 but regardless, I love it! Working in boxing and MMA isnt just my job, but my hobby 💫

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Lydia seems to be some kind of ring girl for boxing? Is that what it’s called? I’m more of a baseball fan and I don’t watch Total Bellas, so the breadth of my knowledge on this topic is v limited. But I think it means she likes watching grown men beat the sh*t out of each other, right? I assume this will help Lydia on the island very much, she’ll stir the pot just so the men fight over her and she can feel like she’s home again for a few beautiful seconds. Evil strategy, but I like it.

Madison Wyborny, California, USA

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For a girl that’s always on the move, I panicked at the thought of not being able to work or go anywhere at first for months. But now I sit here in my hometown, appreciating this time I’m able to decompress and just stop for a second. I’m sure many of us like myself never take time in our normal everyday lives to just slow down and be present. Wherever there’s negative you can find positive right next door. Your outlook inspires your output. The world may never stop for us again. x

A post shared by Too Hot To Handle🪐MADISON (@madisonwyborny) on

Madison is a model who is quarantining in Bali. So, and I mean this with all my heart, f*ck you Madison, I hope you lose.

And those are our Too Hot To Handle contestants so far! May the odds be ever in their favor, and may they all make fools of themselves on tv for my entertainment. 

Images: Netflix; chloeveitchofficial, david.birtwistle, francescafarago, haley.cure, harryjowsey, kelechidyke, matthewstephensmith, nicole.ob, imrhondapaul, sharrontownsendofficial/ Instagram

Why ‘Too Hot To Handle’ Is Going To Be The Next ‘Love Is Blind’

As we enter into yet another week of our never-ending stay-at-home order, we rely on a few comforts to help get us through the uncertainty and terror of this time. Napping at all hours of the day? Definitely. Eating every single snack we just bought at the grocery store that was supposed to last us two weeks? Of course! Dressing our dog up like the Queen of England and pretending we’re at high tea? Who among us hasn’t?! But, most importantly, we rely on Netflix to continuously drop the most absurd shows (Hi, Tiger King! Hi, Love is Blind!) that allow us to forget for just a little while that we are actually living in a game of Jumanji. And Netflix is coming through for us yet again on Friday, April 17th, when they drop their next reality dating show, Too Hot to Handle. They just released the trailer, and it looks like exactly the amount of trash we all need in our lives right now (which is Britney-in-a-gas-station-bathroom-without-her-shoes level of trash). So, let’s take a look at the trailer, break it down, and talk about why Too Hot To Handle is most definitely going to be a worthy successor to our last reality obsession, Love is Blind.

I’m going to leave the trailer for you right here, please watch it, take copious notes, and then come back to me to discuss.

There sure is a lot to unpack, so let’s go over the basics. Too Hot to Handle features 10 hot singles on an island in bikinis, drinking excessive amounts of alcohol out of Solo cups, and in a competition for $100,000. Seems pretty easy, right? But of course, there is a twist, because Netflix is nothing if not a sick bastard. A cone shaped robot named Lana tells the contestants that in order to win the money, they have to abstain from sexual activity. I shrieked. These people literally arrived on the island slathered in their favorite lube, and they aren’t allowed to have sex?! Have you seen anything sadder in your whole life?

What the contestants thought the island was going to be like:

What it’s actually like:

After the robot drops its bombshell, the contestants slowly remove their penises from whatever hole they had immediately stuck them in, and proceed to lose their minds. This seems like it’s going to be fun! Well for me, at least—the raging hormones disguised as people stuck on this sexless island seem a little less enthused.

So what else is notable about the trailer, I mean, other than the fact that one dude is obviously going to f*ck a fish? Well, a lot of these people appear to be British, which makes me wonder if they think Americans are not garbage enough for this show? If so, I’d like to point them in the direction of a brilliant piece of art known as Are You The One? for proof that you can most certainly peel some of us off a sticky linoleum floor in Jacksonville and convince us to humiliate ourselves on TV for a small amount of money and a can of Axe Body Spray. Something to consider for next season! It’s also cute that one of the women thinks that because of the format, “maybe more can come from this.” Adorable. I think it means he’s just going to bang you when you get home and then ghost you, but it’s nice to have dreams! 

We also see someone saying “I don’t want to break the rules,” and then a montage of a LOT of rule breaking. So I think it is safe to say that even though hooking up isn’t allowed, there will be a bunch of people claiming that they didn’t mean to, they just fell and somehow it slipped in! That can’t count, right? Lana would never take away money for such an innocent accident, would she?

If anything is clear from watching this trailer, though, it’s that Too Hot To Handle is the OBVIOUS successor to Love is Blind, and might even improve upon its predecessor. First of all, they’ve replaced Nick and Vanessa Lachey with a talking triangle with some pretty blue lights, and it delivers lines better than they ever did. Sorry Lacheys, no more free vacations for you. You’ll have to do sponsored Instagram ads pimping out your children like the rest of the C-listers if you want a summer vacay!

There also appears to be way more partying on Too Hot To Handle, which I’m thankful for. I was a little tired of watching only Jessica get sloshed in every episode of Love is Blind

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Lemme get a lil taste . . . . #Follow @loveisblindtv for more #LoveIsBlind memes 😂 #loveisblindmemes #loveisblindnetflix #lol

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Okay fine, I wasn’t, that was pure gold, but I want to see ALL the contestants bring shame on their families by drinking too much pinot grigio and hitting on someone else’s man. And finally, Too Hot To Handle has a similar premise to Love is Blind. Robot Lana explains to the contestants, much more eloquently than Nick ever did, that the reason they can’t have sex is so they gain deeper connections with one another. I’m not sure why this “deep connection” thing is the hill Netflix is willing to die on in 2020, but most likely because it’s making them a sh*t ton of cash and not because they care about people forming successful relationships built on love and respect, right?

I have to admit, I’m excited for this one. And not just because I think it’s going to end with the robot slaughtering all the contestants and taking over the island to breed little Lanas that will eventually conquer the world. But because we all watched Love is Blind, and now in real life we’re stuck dating in isolation pods, so if we all watch Too Hot To Handle, at least we’ll be stuck on an island after this, even if we must be abstinent. CAN’T WAIT!

Images: giphy (3); loveisblindtv/Instagram; Netflix

‘Love Is Blind’ Reunion Recap: The Hot Mess Jess Express

Can you guys believe I’m back to recap a reality show where everyone except one of the couples should not be together? No, I’m not talking about Vanderpump Rules, but Love is Blind, the Netflix sensation sweeping the nation.

Vanessa and Obviously Nick Lachey are back to host and to once again prove to us that their entire presence on this show is completely useless. How many times do you think the phrase “you got ENGAGED to someone SIGHT UNSEEN regardless of LOOKS, RACE, INCOME” will be uttered? Take a shot for every time it’s said, and then meet me in the hospital immediately after the show.

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Nick & Vanessa Lachey every 16 seconds: you got engaged to someone you NEVER SAW. You’re here to PROVE if LOVE is really BLIND. This is a REVOLUTIONARY EXPERIME—

— sarafcarter (@sarafcarter) February 29, 2020

Here at the reunion are Lauren and Cam, Amber and Barnett, Jessica and Mark, Kenny and Kelly, and Diamond and Carlton. Amber has gone blonde, and I do feel like that choice better captures her chaotic energy. 

Mark, Jessica, Diamond, Carlton, and Kelly are currently single, and miraculously, both couples that got married on the show are still married. I’ve got to say, I fully expected Barnett and Amber to implode by now. 

Damian and Gigi are back together, which isn’t a shock really since we knew that already. It is a shock in the sense that they are extremely toxic, but whatever, it’s not my life.

First up is Kenny and Kelly. Kenny is dating someone, but Kelly is single. Since the show, Kelly’s dated one of her best friends who was at their wedding. And meanwhile, I’ve been going on year five without a man, so… somebody nominate me for season 2. Kelly says some B.S. about “growth” and her “journey” from the show or whatever, and Kenny is flexing real hard that he’s got a new girlfriend. I can’t hate the guy because I’d be doing the same thing, though.

Amber’s first comment is that she “hasn’t killed Barnett yet”, which honestly, I really thought would happen. Well, more accurately, I thought she’d pull a Lorena Bobbitt on him, but same idea. 

So Gigi and Damian are “so together” (once again, methinks the lady doth protest too much). She already starts tearing up while talking about waking up next to Damian every day. Call me cynical, but I’m going to stick to my theory that they’re both actors. That was a pretty good performance, though, I’ll give them that.

Lauren and Cam, dream couple, are still married, and Mark is single, wearing less and going out more. Ya love to see it.

Barnett looks back on him leading on three girls in the pod simultaneously and has #noregrets. They never do, do they? He claims he’s “not super good with girls.”

All of us: 

We know what we saw in the pod, Barnett.

Amber talks about how all the girls were together in the pod (I forgot about that part) and she and LC had an agreement that they just wouldn’t talk about Barnett to each other. Jessica, meanwhile, told Amber that Barnett was proposing (she was also holding her beloved bottle of Joel Gott red wine and slurring her words at the time, classic Messica). Amber calls Jessica sheisty for throwing herself at Barnett in Mexico. Honestly, go off sis. 

Jessica admits that she didn’t take Barnett’s rejection very well (you can say that again) and apologizes to Amber. Good move Jessica, Amber won’t stab you in the heart with her stiletto heel… today. Jessica says she has no hard feelings toward Amber, to which Amber just laughs. Jessica, on second thought, you might want to sleep with one eye open.

Vanessa and Nick are so f*cking messy, asking Amber if she accepts Jessica’s apology, and then when Amber explains her thought process that she felt like she looked like a fool for being friends with Jessica, they just cut in like “okay but do you accept the apology OR NAH?”

Black Chyna Texting Other Girls

DO YOU ACCEPT JESSICA’S APOLOGY, YES OR NO!

Like damn, let Amber speak! I know y’all want to be seen as relevant or at all integral to this show, but we didn’t come here for you.

Amber says she accepts “the intent behind the apology” but not the apology itself yet. I love that non-acceptance-acceptance, it feels straight out of the Real Housewives of Potomac.

So everyone loves Lauren (same), and Damian reminisces on how he and Lauren used to talk to each other in Star Wars voices and had a great time in the pod, and Giannina is plotting all the ways in which she could murder her and then flee the country, never to be heard from again.

Me to Lauren:

Why am I relating everything to murder in this recap? Because of who I am as a person.

We relive Carlton and Diamond’s engagement. Oh, this is gonna be awkward. I’m taking a deep breath as we revisit the Carlton/Diamond breakup in Mexico. For the record, I can see both sides. If I were Diamond, I’d be upset that Carlton had all the time in the pods to bring up his sexuality, but waited until we were engaged to reveal that to me. But on the other hand, I can obviously understand why Carlton would be hesitant to share that information. And if Diamond didn’t have a problem with his sexuality in the first place, then the revelation probably would not have been a big deal, even with the timing.

Wow, I almost forgot how Carlton told Diamond to watch her wig. A truly iconic reality TV moment.

Carlton cries and expresses regret for not talking to Diamond earlier. I can’t tell if I would be happy if these two got back together. Their fight was explosive, but they were kinda cute in the pods?

Okay, never mind, Diamond says that she would never be back with Carlton because of the way he disrespected her during their fight.

Obviously, Nick is like, “I think what I’m hearing from both of you is that you both regret being messy af during that fight.” Yeah dude, we’ve spent the last 10 minutes saying exactly that.

Then Carlton gets up, says he’s NOT PROPOSING, kneels down with a ring box, to… apologize and give Diamond the ring back? Damn, Love is Blind has a higher budget than The Bachelor if Carlton is allowed to keep the ring. In The Bachelor, they have to be married for 2 years or else that shit goes back to Neil Lane.

Vanessa: OMG, I’m speechless.

Ok, stay that way! We didn’t come here for y’all!

Next up is the Damian and Gigi show, where Gigi claims she didn’t go into the pods with a pre-planned idea of proposing to Damian. Sure, Jan. Sure.

They’re still dating, but not living together, which is actually… a sensible thing to do? I’m actually shocked.

Watching the clip back of Gigi giving Damian his “bow” back, he starts tearing up. Can somebody call LA and get this guy an acting gig!? He cries and apologizes for putting her through the embarrassment of getting left at the altar on TV, but says he’d do it again because they’re in a better place now.

Okay, Gigi acknowledges that she self-sabotages (take a drink, because just like SIGHT UNSEEN is Nick and Vanessa’s catchphrase, self-sabotage is hers), and admitted that she blew up in non-productive ways. HA! To all you who doubted me in the comments of my other article, I say, HA! 

And, she starts crying… ok, we get it, I’m convinced… of y’all’s acting skills. Just kidding, I’m sure they really love each other! I just can’t imagine watching that toxic tornado of a relationship on screen and thinking, “yeah, let’s totally give this another round.” These two really prove that love is blind, and also, unhealthy.

Vanessa is literally Lauren B. from The Bachelor, being like “I love that” to everything everybody says.

Vanessa: I love your love.
Me, audibly at my desk: Ew.

Now it’s time to talk about Kelly and Kenny, or as my friend put it, “the boring couple who I can’t believe didn’t get married in the end.” I do feel like they totally pulled a bait-and-switch on us, acting totally stable until the bitter end.

Kenny says all the takeaways he learned from the show, he applied to his new relationship. So he and his new gf only talk to each other through a wall! Just kidding, he’s learned to be vulnerable and whatever. Next.

Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Vanessa: I’ll say it: Kenny for President

Vanessa, we have enough white men in the race. We’re good.

Kelly immediately starts crying, and no wonder, because she’s gotten a lot of hate even though she says she and Kenny agreed to not get married beforehand. She says she loved Kenny but she wasn’t in love with him, and she wanted to continue dating but Kenny was like “nah, I’m good”. Ouch.

Kelly is all of us, admitting she’s friend-zoned all the good guys that she should probably be marrying. I’ll say it: Kelly for President! F*ck you, Vanessa.

Nick and Vanessa: Amber and Barnett, how’s married life been?
Barnett: Well, I live every day in constant fear that she’ll castrate me, so it’s a wild ride for sure.

I want to know if Amber has gotten a job, or at least a credit limit above $700? No shade, but I feel like a 12-year-old could get a higher credit limit than that. (Ok, maybe some shade.)

Amber admits that at one point she’d called a divorce lawyer, but they somehow made it through to the other side (maybe Amber realized she didn’t have enough money for a divorce?). 

Finally, it’s what everyone’s been waiting for: The Hot Mess Jess Express. Frankly, I’m a little disappointed to see Contrite Jessica. She’s recognizing she drank too much, admitting she was working through a lot of issues that caused her to say wild sh*t, apologizing to Mark for implying he’s not good-looking. Of course, I’m happy for her and her growth, but who’s bringing the drama this reunion? I guess I’ll have to take one for the team and do it *downs an entire bottle of Malbec* let’s go.

wine

Mark, true sensitive king, doesn’t throw Jessica under the bus, and still calls her a “phenomenal woman.” My exes wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire, how do I get a Mark in my life?

Mark does admit that he wishes Jessica had told him that she still had feelings for Barnett, and Jessica blames it on the fact that she was served whiskey. LMAO! There she is! I’m going to start saying “Well, I was served whiskey” any time someone calls me out for doing something crazy when drunk. Girl, I don’t think that’s how it works.

There’s honestly no real need to recap the Lauren and Cameron love story. They’re happy, we’re happy, everyone’s happy. They have a puppy, so they’re officially goals. 

Vanessa: We got a fur baby, and we were committing to what we’d be like as parents.

For the last time, Vanessa! This isn’t about you!

Cameron is such a cutie, talking about Lauren’s dad and crying. Cool, now I’m crying. I didn’t ask for this. They are the cutest, and if they ever break up I’ll have to take a week off work.

Lmao now Vanessa is crying. You know what girl, I’ll give you this one. Go ahead, cry it out.

Vanessa: Nick and I always said, this was a social experiment. This was a love experiment. But ultimately, your feelings were real.

Lol, acting as if they themselves designed the experiment instead of just popped up every time they were contractually obligated to give the same speech about LOVE BEING TRULY BLIND. Listen Netflix, on Love is Blind season 2, we don’t want a host. It’s not necessary. If you’re going to have a host, get Michelle Buteau from The Circle to make snarky remarks about everyone every 3 seconds. Otherwise, don’t bother.

And after going around the room and saying what everybody learned from the experience like this is f*cking summer camp, Vanessa has everyone raise their hands if they believe (get your drink ready) that love is really blind. Of course, everybody raises their hand. And with that, I leave you… to go apply for Love is Blind season 2. See you in the pods!

Images: Netflix; Giphy; sarafcarter / Twitter

One Of The ‘Love Is Blind’ Couples That Split Is Now Back Together

I could talk about Love is Blind for hours. I could write multiple theses on the show and what its success reveals about our culture (I have a few drafted, in fact). I could spend hours stalking each contestant on Instagram and trying to figure out who’s still together based on their tagged photos. (Okay, so I have done that last thing.) We all have our favorites, even while we all can agree that Jessica was the worst and Mark deserved better. Personally, my pick for least favorite was a close call between Jessica and Giannina. Sure, Jessica led Mark on for the entire duration of the show and was clearly never really into him in the first place, she just wanted a ring, but at least she was entertaining. Giannina, on the other hand, was borderline scary. I’d watch her try to take any legitimate criticism from Damian (“you criticize me for being on my phone too much when you’re on your phone right now, as we speak”) and turn it around on him. She’d fly into a rage at the drop of a hat. And if anyone I was dating ever called me “motherf*cker”, and said on camera that I was not the best sex they’ve ever had, I would be out the door so fast, it would set Olympic records. But Damian seemed like he was caught under some sort of spell (Giannina’s hotness), and would continue to be her emotional punching bag for the rest of his life. Which is why (spoiler alert, seriously don’t read any further if you haven’t watched the finale yet) I was pleasantly surprised and impressed when Damian grew a f*cking spine and left Gigi hanging at the altar. “You’re doing amazing, sweetie,” I said to my TV. Well, it appears I may have spoken too soon and Damian is not, in fact, doing amazing sweetie, because Damian and Giannina may be back together.

A moment of silence for Damian’s spine. You may have only been on this Earth for a short amount of time, but your brief appearance gave us one of the best moments in reality TV this year:

 

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Sorry boss I’m not doing any work today, I’ll just be thinking about the finale of Love is Blind. By @betchesbrides

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Chris Coelen, the producer of Love is Blind, told Metro.co.uk that Damian and Giannina have gotten back together. He said, “There was only one couple that broke it off that has attempted to re-engage and that’s Gigi and Damien. And we’ll see what happens with them. We’ll see.”

Damian, I was rooting for you! I can’t say that we were all rooting for you, because I haven’t spoken to everyone, but this is seriously disheartening. Confirming the news that Damian and Giannina are back together is Giannina’s mom, Milady. On Instagram, a commenter asked her why she still follows Damian, and in a now-deleted comment, she basically said it’s because Damian and Giannina reconciled.

Per Buzzfeed, this comment translates to, “It’s not acting, not even a little bit. I follow Damian simply because they reconciled and are still together, they love each other and it was best for to happen because that way they could get to know each other better.”

Now, it’s funny because the original comment in question asked Milady if this was all acting, and she said it wasn’t. But a new discovery that I came across on Reddit would lead me to believe that, actually, it might all be acting. Thank god, because I was about to believe that Gigi and Damian got back together because they actually thought they could make it as a couple. Phew! Maybe they’re not completely naive, just fame-hungry and a little media savvy.

If you watched Love is Blind at all, then you may have felt like a lot of what we got from Giannina just seemed… kind of off. She delivers lines that just don’t sound like the way people would ever naturally speak in conversation, and just acts completely over-produced (moments like her re-proposing to Damian stick out). From giving Damian his bow back after getting left at the altar to telling him his reasons for walking away are “such a beautiful excuse, darling,” it just reads like she had all these lines to deliver planned out in her head. Plus, check out this reaction to Damian telling her he won’t marry her (please excuse the janky recording, I made this gif myself):

Damian and Giannina Wedding

That… does not look like shock to me. It looks like, I don’t know, an O-face? A yawn? Whatever it is, it’s not the expression you make when you get dumped at the altar. It’s just weird.

On top of that, someone on Reddit (in a sub that has now since been banned from Reddit) found Damian’s acting resume,  which hilariously lists his “lead Role” in an “Untitled Netflix show”, as well as what appear to be a few gigs as an extra (he was “Party Goer” in Dirty Grandpa and “soldier” in Thank You For Your Service). So, while our man might not be an aspiring influencer, he is an aspiring actor, which makes me wonder just how real this reconciliation is. I think Milady doth protest too much and this might, in fact, all be acting.

Maybe Damian and Giannina recognize that they can get way more publicity as a couple than they can as individuals, or maybe love really is blind (and stupid) and they are back together because they really just love one another. Who knows! Without a 10-minute monologue from Nick and Vanessa Lachey repeating everything I already know, I really can’t say for sure.

Images: Netflix (2); betches / Instagram

The Definitive Ranking Of ‘Love Is Blind’ Contestants

The Love is Blind finale dropped yesterday, and now we FINALLY know if love truly is blind, or if it just wants to sell you FabFitFun boxes on Instagram. Life’s eternal question! What’s also exciting about the fact that we now have all the Love is Blind episodes (Don’t you EVER do this network TV staggered drop sh*t to me again, Netflix) is that we finally get the full picture of our contestants. I don’t love when I’m on a contestant’s side for a solid eight hours of TV, profess my love for them in an article that you all read, and then have them zip off their skin suit in the finale to reveal they were actually the devil himself all along, and then I have to take it back. Admitting I was wrong is so not my style. I’m a Taurus, people! So now that I’ve watched all the episodes, and have a full view of who these people are, I feel confident that I can bring you all my DEFINITIVE ranking of the Love is Blind contestants, ranging from “I wouldn’t run away if I saw you in Duane Reade” to “I’m calling the police.” And if they eventually zip off their skin suit on a reunion, I will be SO MAD. 

*Also, before you carry on, SPOILER ALERT. Do not keep reading if you haven’t watched the finale yet! I don’t want to hear about it in the comments, mmkay?*

Lauren Speed

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Sooo who saw the finale episode? 👀📺✨ SO MANY emotions but the main one is happiness. ❤️ #LoveIsBlind finale streaming NOW 🥰 @netflix 📸 @lajoyphotographyllc

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Lauren is obviously the big winner in Love is Blind. She never seemed psycho, I mean, other than the fact that she got engaged on like, day four. She also realized she could still be herself, and advocate for what she believes in, despite the race of the person she married. I watched the finale episode with my mom, who had not seen any other episode, and she said of Lauren and her bridal party, “they’re all cute” which is simultaneously the nicest and only printable comment she made the whole episode, which obviously means Lauren was impressive. Plus, I’m glad she and Cam got married because I feel like the show really needed one functioning relationship to take the plunge. And yes, she said dammit in her vows and that’s when my love for her was truly cemented. Lauren, I’ll see you at Duane Reade! 

Mark Cuevas

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The finale is here. Cheers 🥂 #LoveisBlind

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Mark was too pure for this world. Even though he was the 24-year-old in a relationship with a 34-year-old, he was the one that acted like the adult. Sure, I questioned his taste when he watched Jessica share a glass of wine with her dog and he didn’t immediately call Animal Control, but we all have blindspots. I really do wish he had realized that Jessica didn’t deserve him, and that he was the one to say no at the wedding, but if that had happened we wouldn’t have gotten that sweet scene of Mark crying with his mom. *Insert heart eyes emoji*. Mark, I have a feeling you’ll be just fine without Jessica. Definitely check your DMs today. 

Kenny Barnes

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Mid-week Trajectory ⚡️ On the eve of the release of @netflix first season of #loveisblind I wanted to share some insight into my head space ⚡️ Happiness is not a matter of good fortune or worldly possession, it is a mental attitude. It derives from the appreciation of what we have and not consuming ourselves with the thought of what we do not have. Easy to comprehend, but difficult to apply on a regular basis ⚡️ In the world, within humanity, good and bad will always exist. It is up to us to cultivate life’s lessons and compel the corresponding events to occur according to plan

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“Please stop recording, Jimmy” is my new catchphrase. When my boss asks me about an assignment that I most definitely did not do? Please stop recording, Jimmy. When my aunt asks me why I’ve showed up at yet another wedding single and alone? Please stop recording, Jimmy. And when my puppy judges me for another Saturday where I don’t get out of bed until 1pm? Please stop recording, Jimmy. Thanks for the help, Kenny, I too felt “Sure, Jan” was getting a little tired. You deserved better! 

Cameron Hamilton

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The happiest day of my life.

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Let’s be real, Cameron only ranks in the middle of the pack because he was smart enough to lock down Lauren. Well, that, and he has a house. The men I go out with usually Venmo request me after our date for the cost of my two glasses of wine they were kind enough to grab from the bartender at the dive bar they took me to. They might as well also Venmo request my dignity, because that sh*t is gone now too. Anyway, as my friend said to me at the beginning of this show, Cameron is the definition of milquetoast. Which I could not agree with more, and is also why I can’t really seem to muster up feelings for this man either way. So I guess congrats, Cameron? You’re one of very few men I don’t want to run over with a car bought in cash that can’t be traced back to me. Call it a win! 

Kelly Chase 

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Are you as anxious today waiting on the #LoveIsBlind finale as I was waiting to meet what might be my now HUSBAND!?!😳 👉🏼swipe . Literally in this moment my entire body was quivering, any and every thought ran through my mind, I was sweating yet shivering, trying to practice the simple “4 square breathing technique”; the most INTENSE moment in my life…well, other than what you’ll see on the Season Finale!!!😬 . @netflix #LoveIsBlind . . #chaselifewithkelly #chaselifetogether #loveisblind #netflix #becomeabetteryou

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Kelly, I really wanted to like you. Early on in the show when you, a woman with a normal, fit body, said that you felt like you weren’t comfortable with how you looked, I could relate HARD. I wanted us to be friends. But then you picked Kenny, a pretty good dude, and then took it back. You should have just listened to your sister and married him! Take the risk! Half of marriages these days end in divorce. Why not? Being unsure certainly never stopped Kim Kardashian from getting married! This is the only time in my whole life where I’ve had to tell someone to be more like Kim Kardashian, and now I dislike you even more for that, Kelly. FOR SHAME. 

Matt Barnett

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Will I say "I do" or will my indecisiveness get the best of me. Find out next Thursday on #LoveisBlind @netflix

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When this show first started, I could not fathom a world where Barnett was not last on my list of contestants. But then he grew on me. Frat dude jokes? Bad. Playing multiple women in the pods? Very bad. A real job? Good. Responsible with money? Very good. Not leading Jessica on even though she was clearly pursuing him after the pods? Very veryyyy good. BUT. He also said yes to a marriage that seems more toxic than the water in Newark, NJ, so here we are. Barnett, please take your “most improved” ribbon, and hang it on your wall in the sad one-bedroom apartment you lease after your marriage breaks up.

Damian Powers

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Love Is Blind Season Finale airs tonight at 12am pst who’s going to be watching?

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Damian, you were one-half of my most hated relationship on this show, and the only thing you did right was not marrying Giannina. Things you did wrong include: calling yourself a gift, fighting with Gigi at a party with your friends, and constantly mentioning what Gigi was doing wrong in every single argument. Oh yeah, and apparently you f*cked her wrong too. But I’m just repeating what I heard, don’t blame the messenger! 

Amber Pike

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So many people have asked me about this dress, imma hook y’all up ladies! If y’all saw me wearing anything cute on @netflix #LoveIsBlind I definitely got it from @fashionnova! Ya girl is all about ballin on a budget! I love the #FNFit❤️😘 . . Update: everyone was so interested I had to go back in my emails from 2018 and I found the name of the dress for y’all lol I don’t think it’s available anymore but if you let FN know you want it they may bring it back 😉 -LIVIA MIDI DRESS in SAGE

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Amber doesn’t live to work, she works to live. And that’s the moment I knew I hated her. No one wants to work, Amber! But we do want to pay off our student debt! It appears Amber only wants to work to pay off her boob job. She is also the kind of person that will most definitely cut off Barnett’s genitals and throw them in a field if he does something stupid, like telling his niece that she’s the prettiest princess he ever saw. That bitch better not steal her man! 

Giannina Gibelli

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a day to remember 🦋 who’s watching the #loveisblind finale on @netflix tonight at 12 am PST ?!

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Gigi is lucky that there was someone else on this show so heinous that she narrowly missed last place. Gigi was just really not self-aware. She treated Damian terribly, and then said things like, “I always treated you with kindness.” She complained about him being on his phone, and then literally could not stop herself from checking her own phone. Also, it’s pretty rude to tell someone on camera that they are not the best sex of your life. People can hear you, Gigi! That’s what the big microphones above your head are for! And tbh, the rhyming wedding card she sent Damian is what really set me over the edge. Her only redeeming moment was when she metaphorically gave Damian his bow back. Even someone as self-centered as Gigi can recognize when someone else does something so horrifically embarrassing. 

Jessica Batten

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Finale day is here – well at least for us on the West Coast. Thanks for watching and for your love and kindness. We couldn't have imagined how much the show would resonate with so many. There's a ton that happens behind the scenes and does not make it to the screen —> this is just a glimpse. The best part of all was the little family we created called The Purple Team – even amidst the drama and entertainment element of the show, we had the best and happiest of times. I have so much love for these people. 💜 Also swipe to see footage of a really fun date over ATL! 🚁 #loveisblindnetflix #thepurpleteam #behindthescenes #grandvelas #paytonhester #melkwon #oneteamonedream

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I could literally write an entire thesis on Jessica, and I’m only not doing that because I’m in Florida and I’d rather go to the beach than relearn MLA citations for this article. First of all, Jessica cannot hold her liquor. I think we can all agree on that, considering at one point she was so drunk she told Mark that she thought Barnett was sexy, and then at the bachelorette party she attempted to order a drink and an appetizer from the performer on stage (fine, same). She claimed she wasn’t pursuing Barnett, but she invited him for wine by the fire alone. 

And then, THE FINALE. First of all, Jessica, quoting It Takes Two will not get you into my good graces this late in the game. You’ve gone too far to the dark side to even win me over with the Olsen Twins. She also says, “You will always have a special place in my heart” about her FIANCÉ! That’s literally what you say to your sh*tty first boss after you reveal you will be taking a new, higher-paying job. Not to the dude who still loved you after you bit his head off for admiring his mother. 

As she says ever so saltily after blowing up her own wedding, she will apologize to whoever she needs to apologize to. Great. I am waiting for my apology, Jessica. And I would like MLA citations. 

And that is the official ranking of the Love is Blind contestants! There better be a season two of this show, because it’s truly the only thing that makes me feel better about being single. Let me know your own rankings in the comments!

Images: Netflix; need4lspeed, markanthonycuevas_, kennybarnes11, cameronreidhamilton, chaselifewithkelly, barnettisblind, damian_powers, atypicalamber, gianninagibelli, jessicabatten24/Instagram 

Are The ‘Love Is Blind’ Cast Aspiring Influencers? An Investigation

Perhaps you, like me, spent your whole weekend binging Netflix’s new dating show Love Is Blind, and now you have a ton of questions. The main one being, why would someone ever want to go on this show? Are there seriously no other options for you, Barnett?

The show describes itself as a “social experiment” in which 30 participants have ten days to meet and propose to a partner. The twist? All of their dates take place in isolated pods, and they talk to their potential matches through a wall. And for some unclear reason, they still get more dressed up to sit alone in a room than I ever have in my entire life. After some couples find “the one”, the show jets everyone off to a resort in Mexico to see if they can create a physical connection, and then back to Atlanta to test if they will make it work in the real world. If they survive, like, a day with their partner in a random neutral apartment, they’ll be walking down the aisle and into the rest of their lives.  

The show suspiciously does not give us many details as to how they chose their singles, but in an interview with E! Network after the show started streaming on Netflix, co-creator Chris Coelen revealed that all the singles were all based in Atlanta, and that the show was also filmed there. Okay, so, I’m just guessing here, but the social scene in Atlanta for young, attractive people willing to go on reality TV to get married cannot be that big. 

I feel like there was a casting call posted in the greater Atlanta area that was like, “Want to be Instagram famous, but don’t want to move to LA or New York to do it? Can’t take a month off work because your feed isn’t paying for itself yet? We’ve got the opportunity for you!”

Marriage seems like a pretty high price to pay if the only reason you want to be on a reality TV show is to promote your brand.  After digging a little deeper into their backgrounds, I found that half of the cast was willing to pay it. Alas, my faith in humanity grows ever smaller. Many of the contestants have personal brands or are the CEOs of their own media companies, or hold jobs like model, social media consultant, brand consultant, personal trainer, personal stylist, makeup artist, etc. Jobs that basically need all the exposure to clients they can get, and Netflix is just the place for that. (I have to give Netflix some credit, because they took away the cast’s phones during the month that they were filming, which seriously limited the number of times someone could reference their fake Instagram job in a confessional.)

I mean, the second we meet everyone at the start of the show, I was immediately suspicious. Everyone is way too hot. Like, definitely a few steps below The Bachelor, but still. Hot as far as regular, non-surgically-enhanced people go. I mean, Diamond Jack is literally an NBA dancer, which, as we all know, is a model who can also dance. And, as it turns out, a lot of them are actually models. Take Amber, for instance, who reminisces on her days in the Georgia Army in the first episode. Based on her Instagram, though, her current job is modeling for Tropic Beauty, whose Instagram bio is literally: “We produce model influencer events, photoshoots, travel and branding opportunities.”

 

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Know your worth… then add interest😘 . . . 📷: @bcphotography_ @tropicbeauty @_spraylavie

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Lauren Speed is another example. Her bio on the show says “Content Creator”, which is the vaguest job description I have ever seen, and then we never hear another peep about it again. That is, until she shows Cameron, her new fiancé, her apartment, and there is a full-on photo studio in the living room. It turns out Lauren runs her own media company called The Speed Brand AND she has modeled in New York Fashion Week. I respect the hustle, but now I’ve got to ask how two literal models can really be on national TV claiming they hate dating apps because they get judged by their pictures.

Speaking of New York Fashion Week, another of the show’s participants, Danielle Drouin, recently posted from the runway. I don’t even remember her being on the show, and she clearly didn’t get engaged to anyone, so Netflix really wasted her hotness for nothing. 

 

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Feeling like a Queen 👸 in @jorgecontrerasmexico collection! 👑 #nyfw #fashionweek #nyfw2020 #newyorkfashionweek #nyc #nycmodel #modelling #model #2020collection #designergowns #fashionshow #fashion #fashionmodel #runwayfashion #runwaymodel #runway #runwayshow #newyork #ascfashionweek #queen #queenstatus

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I also found in my midnight Googling spiral investigation that, in addition to all of these contestants being models, a bunch of them are weirdly connected. It does add up that some contestants would’ve known each other beforehand, given that it’s a show for the very specific demographic of model-adjacent singles in Atlanta, but something seems fishy here. It is a little hard to say, but more than a few contestants can be linked to Jezebel Magazine (a publisher of luxury lifestyle magazines, not the feminist website), which hosts tons of parties throughout the year. They named the show’s very own Mark Cuevas, (personal trainer, lover of Jessica, known 24-year-old) one of 2019’s 50 Most Beautiful Atlantans. Weird flex, but okay. 

Matt Thomas, Mark’s confirmed friend, (which we know from this Instagram at an event for Thomas’ non-profit, Brawl for a Cause) and fellow contestant has also appeared in the magazine, as one of Atlanta’s Best Bodies of 2017. Not sure who gave the green light for that article, but that’s neither here nor there.  

 

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Double tap + Scroll if you’re THAT girl that plays in a dress 😂 ⠀ Feeling some serious #FOMO? ⠀ What cities do you want to see these Sweat With US + @brawlforacause events? ⠀ Shoutout your city in the comments so we know where to take you! ⠀ GEORGIA AQUARIUM WE’RE COMING FOR YOU TOMORROW! Link in bio to join the Workout Under Water fun!! #atl ⠀ 📷@randmcphoto

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Lexie Skipper, a personal stylist (another vague job description) on Love is Blind, also had a profile in the magazine, although she unfortunately did not, at least to the extent of my research, make one of their rankings. Maybe next year, Lexie. Lastly, for what it’s worth, I found a picture of Jessica at a Jezebel party in 2011, so basically that confirms that everyone knows each other and the entire show is a scam.

 

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**Sappy post ahead.** sorry in advance. About 5 months ago I took a chance, ran with an opportunity and focused solely on myself. I let go and let God. And let me tell you, although I thought it was one of the craziest things Ive ever done..it changed my perspective on so much in life. I have been wondering for 2 years what plans God had for me in Atlanta and what was my purpose for being here? I learned so much in my first year here and @nfinityshoes played such a huge role in developing my confidence in a new city and new experiences that I will always be grateful for. God took me on another path and then lead me to a stylist position at Alice+Olivia. (I MEAN REALLY??!!) I have always dreamed of a job in fashion (and a summer in NYC!!) but never felt “qualified” enough. God also had a plan, and here I am. I am so lucky to be able to work with the most amazing women who motivate me every day to be better. @casey_schott @brittneyrwheeler @jocelyn_bowman @christina_bauman . Overall, I am so grateful for every opportunity Atlanta has given me over the past 2 years and the friendships I have made. I finally began to only do things that bring me joy. 2019 you are exceeding my expectations already and we are only 2 months in. LETS GO!

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Just kidding, but an anonymous source close to the show did tell Betches, “LC and Lexie are childhood friends.” The source told us that they went to the same middle school and have been pretty tight since then. Also, LC and Westley, who went to high school together, were one of LIB’s couples (that didn’t get engaged).

Look, I guess it kind of makes sense. Like maybe, some of them said to their friends, “I’m only going to apply for this if you do it with me.” And then their mom popped up out of nowhere and said “if every single in Atlanta jumped off a bridge, would you?” Pretty sure that’s how that went.

In the remainder of the cast, (those that aren’t models or fitfluencers), there are quite a few “brand consultants” and “social media entrepreneurs”. Giannina describes herself in her Instagram bio as a “soulpreneur.” I thought about what this could mean for a full five minutes and still couldn’t come up with anything. Carlton describes himself as a social media manager, which is fine, but LET US NOT FORGET he was Cynthia Bailey’s assistant on The Real Housewives of Atlanta, so Love is Blind is simply his way of continuing his foray into reality TV. 

I’m definitely not trying to say that these people have fake jobs, because some of them do seem to run successful media companies, like Ebony Alexis (Ebony Alexis Entertainment) and Lille Mae (Glambitious I Am). However, I am saying that these are all jobs that function by gaining clients and serve to benefit from increased exposure to their brand. Production tried to throw us off the scent by throwing a bunch of tall, nondescript white men whose jobs are “scientist” and “engineer” into the mix, but I am not falling for it for one second. 

Now, you may be thinking, so what if everyone was just there to promote their brand to a room of 30 singles that they already knew? But, I have to wonder, is love really blind if everyone is a model? Was the cast promised that everyone was going to be pretty attractive before they fully committed? Why was the show filmed so goddamn long ago? Everything about this show confuses me, and yet I have canceled all of my plans for Thursday night in order to watch the finale. 

Images: Love Is Blind / Netflix, Giphy

The Top Moments On ‘Love Is Blind’ So Far That Prove This Show Is An Addictive Train Wreck

Please tell me you all are watching Love is Blind, Netflix’s latest reality show. PLEASE. If not, you should get on that now, because the next four episodes just dropped this morning. This article, however, is only about the first five episodes, because I am merely a human with a full-time job who just spent the last two nights binge watching this show just to bring you all my BRILLIANT and HILARIOUS takes. Am I insane to cram that much reality TV into two school nights when I also have other things going on? Yes, I am. Do I regret it? No, I don’t. Do I need a venti nonfat latte? Yes I do, and if you’re in Midtown East please bring me two, I’ll put your name in our security system. 

I guess I should actually explain the premise of this show to you instead of the details of my coffee order. Basically, men and women get to know each other without seeing what the other looks like. They talk through a wall. It is blue and shimmery, and is reminiscent of that lava lamp we all had in our rooms in 1998. It also magically makes people able to fall in love with strangers within four days. And yes, if you’re counting, we are only two months into 2020 and I’ve already watched two shows where human beings shout words at a wall to communicate with each other. My mother is very proud. Anyway, once the contestants fall in love, sight unseen, the couples get engaged, get to meet, go on a trip, and plan a wedding. It’s all about as horrifyingly awkward as you would imagine. In fact, I have been shrieking in my apartment for days. I’m pleasantly surprised none of my neighbors have called the police, but also am slightly concerned that if I’m getting murdered I’m sh*t out of luck. Oh well! But, I’m sure I’m not the only one who was left shrieking through the awkwardness, right? So let me remind you of your horror, and let’s take a look at the most shriek-worthy moments of the season so far!

Nick And Vanessa Lachey

It’s so sweet of Netflix to provide a graveyard for the C-list boy band has-beens of the world! Everyone needs a final resting place, even if they were never Justin Timberlake. So, I was fine when Nick and Vanessa showed up in the first episode, thinking they would be the hosts. But then, they didn’t appear again until the couples got to Mexico, and Vanessa seemed like she had never read lines in her life. That’s when it became very obvious to me that the Lacheys needed Netflix for a free trip to Mexico. I had to look away, I was so embarrassed for them. I have a suggestion, guys. Cash in on this fame resurgence you’re getting from Jessica’s book, pay for your own trip to Mexico, and don’t ever remind me again how pathetic you are.

I hope you held your head low when you picked up your paycheck, Lacheys

Jessica’s Baby Voice

Jessica! You are 34. You were practically alive when Kennedy was assassinated. Sienna Miller is in a movie playing a grandmother younger than that! You don’t need to sound like you walked out of your mother’s womb in 2016. It’s just not necessary. This show is called LOVE IS BLIND, not LOVE IS DEAF, so I would think you’d want to sound as normal as humanly possible. Not the case for Jess. I mean, except when she was talking to the camera and sounded like a totally capable adult woman. WHAT WAS THAT?! Perhaps this show wasn’t the only experiment going on—I think Jessica was conducting an experiment of her own. And her findings? Men do indeed LOVE a baby voice. Betches writers do not. 

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I could definitely audition for the Californians on SNL. I guess I ended up in the right place though! 📍🐻⭐️ #whyismyvoicelikethis #loveisblindseries #Californian

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Carlton In Mexico

I’m sorry, but Carlton was the worst. Not only did he walk out on women that he did not deem interesting enough when they were in the pods, he also treated his fiancée Diamond like sh*t. First, he didn’t confide in the woman to whom he got engaged that he was bisexual. AND THEN! When he did, he expected her immediate acceptance without even a discussion, and when she wanted to talk about it he screamed that her wig was sliding off. HE INSULTED HER WIG!! This is a man that producers deemed mature enough to get married within a few weeks? Honestly, I don’t know what else he said past the wig drama because, as I’ve mentioned, I was shrieking, but I’m sure it also was terrible. His behavior combined with his hat that said “Daddy” on it made it physically impossible for me to watch any of his scenes in Mexico not through my fingertips. 

Damian and Gigi’s Proposal

Look, it’s awkward enough to watch something as intimate as a proposal. Add in the barrier of a lava lamp wall, and it’s even weirder. Then, mix in the fact that these people met only days ago, and it’s nearly unbearable. And finally, have the man proposing announce “I am your gift” while wearing a bow around his wrist, and I’m honestly shocked I did not spontaneously combust into particles of blood and guts. I did nearly drop my wine bottle, though, which would have been tragic because I still had to get through Gigi proposing BACK to Damian instead of doing the sane thing and saying, “That’s so nice you think you’re a gift, but can I get mozzarella sticks instead?”. Needless to say, my wine bottle did not make it through the rest of the evening. 

Gigi’s Continued Mention of the “Days Without Sex” Memes

Day 329 without sex: I went to Starbucks just so I could hear somebody scream my name

— ryki (@ryankii) July 14, 2018

Speaking of Gigi, she is one of the main reasons my throat is hoarse this morning. The second she started quoting the “Days Without Sex” memes at dinner to Damian I thought I would never recover. We get it, you want to have sex. Can’t you just raise one eyebrow at him and say “eh?” like a socially awkward normal person? You don’t need to go saying year-old memes out loud! It’s not cool! And it still wasn’t cool when you used the same joke again at the bar with the other girls! Is this what the world is like when you don’t have access to your phone? Instead of DM’ing things, you must speak them? That’s the Bad Place. 

All The Couples Meeting for the First Time

Well this was savage. I love that the producers sent all the couples to the same hotel for their trip, and forced them to meet up with the very people that they had been dating only DAYS prior to getting engaged to someone else. Oh yeah, and they provided alcohol. If that’s not a recipe for Jessica regretting her choices fun, I don’t know what is! Jessica talking to Barnett was the most desperate thing I’ve ever seen, I could not even watch. But, I think we all might be Jessica when she returned from the night to say about the man she is SO OBVIOUSLY pining over: “he’s deeply troubled.” 

Barnett and Amber’s Entire Relationship

Is it me, or do Barnett and Amber seem like a couple from Are You The One? instead of Love is Blind? Like, if this was one of my first impression articles about contestants, it would go something like this:

Barnett: Every show has to have a douchey frat bro for Ryanne to throw herself at in their DMs, and Barnett is that guy on Love is Blind. He 100% does not want to get married, but does want to get laid as many times as possible with minimal effort. Look for him to not make the final commitment and end up hooking up with all three girls he was pursuing after the show. 

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All I'm saying is @taylorswift if you're watching and I end up single after this. Ow ow! #LoveisBlind #netflix #ukulele #taylorswift

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So I guess he’s back on the market then

Amber: Amber is the kind of girl that will ruin your life and enjoy doing it. Watch out Barnett, she’ll find you. 

Ooohh probably not for long…

So, as you can see, I totally think this will work out. Kidding! I totally think they’re going to get the police called on them, break up and get back together numerous times until one of them decides to leave the country and “find themselves”, and never hold down a real job again. Perhaps I’m being harsh, but I do say all of this after Amber bit Barnett’s arm in the bar, and he said in regular conversation “speaking of bareback…” so maybe I’m not being harsh enough. 

And that’s what stuck out to me during these first five episodes! I’m looking forward to losing my voice again tonight while watching the new episodes; hit me up in the comments and let me know what you all found shriek-worthy in Love is Blind!  

Images: Netflix; Giphy (3),  barnettisblind, jessicabatten/Instagram, ryankii/Twitter