On Saturday, House Speaker Kevin McCarthy made the horrible mistake of agreeing to work with Democrats, rather than letting the government shut down. In Kevin’s defense, the government still could shut down in just a matter of weeks; it’s not as though he really fixed anything. But that excuse might not be good enough for the far-right members of his caucus.
Indeed, Matt Gaetz is furious. He’s said he’s going to force a vote — a “motion to vacate” — this week that could push Kevin out. While it could be a long shot, Gaetz only needs a simple majority to vote against Kevin — and he claims he has it.
And so, considering that Kevin may find himself flat on his face soon, we’ve brainstormed a few alternate careers for him.
Alternative Careers for Kevin McCarthy
- Painter: This is a standard job for failed politicians (ex: George W. Bush). No, McCarthy doesn’t have quite the credibility of W — he didn’t even start one unnecessary war — but I still think he could do it. Besides, can’t his AI make art for him?
- Career coach: After all, Kevin did find his dream job, even if it didn’t last quite as long as he hoped. Who among us can say that?
- CrossFit instructor: This could be his only way to finally get Marjorie Taylor Greene’s respect. Worth it!
- Usher at a Colorado theater: If CrossFit standards are too high, this would give him a chance to rub elbows with powerful people like Lauren Boebert — which is almost as good.
- Border Security Guard: I don’t know if Kevin would be good at this, but it’s the only other job he would find meaningful. At least, based on what he says. Plus, after McCarthy steps down as speaker, every other government job is a much safer option. (Well, knock on wood).
- Modeling for the DNC: It’s almost 2024. The Democrats need to start making some posters to pitch themselves to swing voters. Kevin could be the “Before” picture.
- Crypto trader: In 2023, this is the perfect career for men with poor decision-making skills.
- Stand up comedian: As his ability to withstand 15 votes to become Speaker demonstrated, he’s a man entirely devoid of shame. Stand up could be the perfect career for him.
- Anti-vax advocate: I just googled “most popular careers Orange County,” and that’s what I got.
- Extra in movies: Kevin McCarthy has a real knack for acting super excited just to be included. Probably because he doesn’t have to act. And he’s at his best when he says nothing at all.
- Matt Gaetz’s personal assistant: the good news about this one is he’s already quite qualified. And I think it’s an easy job; just make sure he gets to his Botox appointments on time and never runs out of hair gel.
- Father: This one is perfect, as Kevin McCarthy actually does have children. I can see an incredible second act, in which he becomes an advocate for stay-at-home dads.
- Lie detector: The CIA could use someone like Kevin. If they think a suspect is lying, they can just ask Kev if it’s something he would say.
- Republican presidential candidate: A lot of people are running, but none of them are good. So Kevin would fit right in.
- Speaker of the House: Incidentally, Matt Gaetz is forcing a vote on this without anyone in mind to take Kevin’s place, and technically, Republicans could nominate Kevin McCarthy again. If you thought it was bad that our Presidential election is likely Trump v Biden again, just WAIT until… actually, no, that’s much worse. At least if Kevin’s re-nominated for the Speakership, we’ll know not to turn on CSPAN until at least the ninth vote.
- Any minimum wage job: Then maybe he’ll regret not ever doing anything to raise it. I doubt it, though. Since he has a net worth of $45 million.
- Retirement: Speaking of, that’s plenty to retire on. Give it a rest, Kev. Do us all a favor and spend the rest of your days drinking Mai Thais in a pool.