Over the past month or so, there’s been plenty of messy celebrity news, but almost all of it has revolved around the coronavirus pandemic. Celebrities failing to quarantine, being tone-deaf on social media, trying to profit off the crisis—we’ve seen it all. But we all need a break from quarantine drama, and thankfully today’s messiness has absolutely nothing to do with COVID-19. We’re getting back into the soap opera that is Meghan Markle and her thirsty family, and I couldn’t be happier.
Let’s set the scene with some context. Right now, Meghan Markle is in a legal battle with British tabloid Mail on Sunday, after they published parts of a private letter she wrote to her father, Thomas Markle, in August 2018. In the latest round of legal documents, Mail on Sunday says that Thomas showed them the letter after one of Meghan’s friends mentioned it to People, so they did nothing wrong. But Meghan is arguing that she never authorized her friends to speak to People, so Mail on Sunday shouldn’t have even known about the letter. To be honest, I don’t really see why this is Mail on Sunday’s fault—shouldn’t Meghan be punishing whichever “friend” spilled the tea in the first place?
Whatever, I won’t try to decide the legal specifics here, but the latest filings gave us something much more important to talk about: texts that Meghan and Harry sent to Thomas Markle in the days leading up to their wedding. If you’ve ever paid attention to the Markle family, you know that they’re messy bitches who live for drama, so there’s a lot going on here.
On May 3rd, just over two weeks before the royal wedding, Thomas Markle was admitted to the hospital with “acute chest pains.” At the time, Meghan texted her father, saying “I’ve called and texted but haven’t heard back from you so hoping you’re okay.” Okay, supportive! Things weren’t necessarily smooth between them at this point, but it’s nice that she was concerned.
But the tone changed significantly a few days later, when Meghan and Harry learned that Thomas had posed for paparazzi photos in exchange for money. The photos, which clearly show Thomas Googling his daughter at an internet cafe, are low-key iconic. Needless to say, Meghan and Harry weren’t like, super thrilled by this discovery, considering that, according to the legal documents, Meghan had tried to get “logistics and supplies for her father discretely and with privacy, with care taken not to feed the press” and had told him “that he should keep a low profile until the wedding.” Oops!
Then, on May 14th, things took another turn when Thomas Markle said publicly that he would not be able to attend the wedding. Not only was this five days before the wedding, which is definitely not proper etiquette, but he didn’t even tell Meghan and Harry directly. Harry’s texts to Thomas upon finding out are really a sight to behold:
“Tom, it’s Harry and I’m going to call you right now. Please pick up, thank you.”
“Tom, Harry again! Really need to speak to u. U do not need to apologize, we understand the circumstances but ‘going public’ will only make the situation worse. If u love Meg and want to make it right please call me as there are two other options which don’t involve u having to speak to the media, who incidentally created this whole situation. So please call me so I can explain. Meg and I are not angry, we just need to speak to u. Thanks”
“Oh any speaking to the press WILL backfire, trust me Tom. Only we can help u, as we have been trying from day 1”
Okay, a few things. First of all, obsessed with Harry’s use of “u” throughout the texts. We love a royal who loves texting lingo! I also love that Harry introduces himself twice, as if the texts aren’t coming from the same number like, five minutes apart. Don’t worry Harry, I’m pretty sure Thomas knows exactly who it is. But most of all, I love that you can feel Harry’s anger spiraling out of control as the texts go on. Like, when he says “Meg and I are not angry,” don’t let that fool you—he and Meg are ABSOLUTELY angry. And then the way he finishes it off with a casual threat? Iconic, truly.
After that drama, things just got more bizarre the next day. TMZ reported that Thomas had suffered a heart attack, and once again, the tabloids knew before Meghan. Reportedly, Thomas then texted Meghan, and she responded, reminding her father that he’s basically been ghosting her this whole time: “I’ve been reaching out to you all weekend but you’re not taking any of our calls or replying to any texts…”
But to her credit, it actually seems like she was doing everything she could to help her father, even though he wasn’t cooperating at all. She texted him “Very concerned about your health and safety and have taken every measure to protect you but not sure what more we can do if you don’t respond…Do you need help? Can we send the security team down again? I’m very sorry to hear you’re in the hospital but need you to please get in touch with us… What hospital are you at?”
And then, later that day, she said “Harry and I made a decision earlier today and are dispatching the same security guys you turned away this weekend to be a presence on the ground to make sure you’re safe… they will be there at your disposal as soon as you need them. Please please call as soon as you can… all of this is incredibly concerning but your health is most important.”
That’s the last of the texts in the documents, so it’s unclear what happened after that. No matter how you feel about Meghan Markle in general, it seems like she was doing her best to get through to her nightmare of a father. Also, let’s not forget that this was all going down just days before her wedding, so I’m sure she had like, a million other things to be worrying about. So yeah, I can see why she would be hurt when, a few months later, her dad leaked a private letter to some rando tabloid that probably hates her. I get mad when my mom talks about me to her friends, so I can’t even imagine.
This week, Meghan and Harry also sent a letter to the major British tabloids, vowing never to collaborate with or speak to them, so it looks like they’re really focused on tidying up their image and quelling rumors. I’m sure the tabloids still won’t leave them alone, but maybe they’ll chill out a little bit. But even if nothing is going on, there’s clearly still plenty of old drama to talk about.
Photo by Samir Hussein/WireImage
We all know that capitalism is the root of evil in the world, which is the only possible explanation for these dolls that are allegedly supposed to look like Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Meghan’s doll looks like a cross between an uglier version of Samantha Parkington (the American Girl, duh) and the world’s blurriest photo of Meghan, while Harry’s is…much worse.
He has brown hair and eyes instead of red/blue, and he looks like a reject villain from the Toy Story movies. Like what is with the actual shape of this doll’s eyes here? Why is he wearing the exact out fit the Prince in Cinderella wears? Why does he have a bowl cut? And most importantly WHY ISN’T HIS HAIR RED? Red hair is like, Prince Harry’s defining feature. Isn’t the whole *point* of Prince Harry that he’s a ginger? Why else is he here?
Let me list the things that are wrong with these new ‘Harry & Meghan’ dolls.
1. Everything. pic.twitter.com/HJTRrQzTqS
— Michael Moran (@TheMichaelMoran) January 18, 2018
As for Meghan…it’s a no from us. First of all, the face is a lot more “Bride Of Chucky” than it is “former Deal or No Deal suitcase holder turned Suits star turned Princess.” (Yes I do know Meghan will not actually be a Princess don’t @ me.) And I mean, sure they got the hair color right here, but why the f does this doll have jowls? Plus I’ll shit a brick if Meghan wears a dress this fugly down the aisle. And like, just to keep it absolutely 100, but this doll reads a lot more as “Becky after a day in the Sun” than “first African-American royal.”
The worst part? The dolls are being sold for a cool $180 on Etsy, but the nightmares are completely free with or without purchase. God save the Queen.
Sad news for those of us who consider ourselves princesses in training: Prince Harry, aka the world’s most eligible bachelor and an actual hot redhead, is no longer eligible. Monday morning, the royals announced that Harry is officially engaged to actress Meghan Markle, and that their insane fancy wedding spectacular will take place sometime in the spring.
Pour one out for all the girls who signed up for study abroad in England this year in hopes of rom-com-ing their way into princesshood. Now I guess you’ll have to settle for a Duke or something. Lame.
In honor of Meghan marrying a prince and doing the one thing every woman has been taught by the patriarchy Disney should be their ultimate goal in life, here is a timeline of how tf she did it. Take notes, ladies, this is How To Marry A Prince In 365 Days, translated into normal relationship terms for the peasants:
July 2016 – Harry and Meghan meet through a mutual friend. Considering that’s all the info the royals have given on their meeting (rude), I’m going to make shit up speculate wildly that she and the prince had a meet-cute while he was moonlighting as a commoner in order to get fucked up enjoy a low-key night with the peasants. Meghan came to Harry’s rescue when he almost blew his cover by not knowing what a body shot was (he thought it was a type of jewel). After the two shared a beer bong (or seven), he revealed his true identity to her, and it was love at first drunken makeout.
Normal relationship translation – You go to a friend’s bday party and she out of nowhere introduces you to this random ginger she’s known since college. You immediately table text her that you’re pissed she would hide such a hot ginger from you, and make it your mission to slide into his DMs by the end of the night.
November 2016 – The Royal Kensington Palace releases a public statement in which Markle is referred to as Harry’s girlfriend. The statement is basically a clapback at what they called a “wave of abuse and harassment” that Markle had faced since rumors started flying that she was dating the Prince. The statement said “Prince Harry is worried about Ms. Markle’s safety and is deeply disappointed he has not been able to protect her,” and that “It is not right that a few months into a relationship with him that Ms. Markle should be subjected to such a storm.”
Normal relationship translation – Him telling his ex to back the fuck off after you wake up one morning and find she’s followed you on all social media and started passive-aggressively liking all of your pics.
Dec. 2016 – Meghan and Harry are photographed in public shopping for a Christmas tree at the Pines and Needles store in London, which is like, basically an engagement in and of itself. I mean, the prince doesn’t just shop for Christmas trees with anybody. (Also—don’t you have people to do that shit for you? I know Harry’s not the heir to the throne, but damn…)
Normal relationship translation – The two of you appear in your first tagged photo together. Your bestie comments a side-eye emoji, he comments “lol”.
Still Dec. 2016 – The two were spotted seeing the play The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night Time on London’s West End, which is just like, another one of the benefits of dating a Prince. He takes you to see hit plays on your second date, and not just like, treats you to a Groupon for a dinner that you end up having to chip in for, because he didn’t read the fine print and it actually doesn’t cover drinks.
Normal relationship translation – See above.
Also In Dec. 2016 – Harry makes a v casual 1,700 mile detour from his tour of the Caribbean to chill with Markle in Toronto.
Normal relationship translation – This is kind of like when a fuckboy stops by to hook up before he heads over to his job a Taco Bell, except it’s not like that at all and I have to stop dating guys who work at Taco Bell.
May 2017 – Fast forward like, many months and Meghan and Harry are finally ready to make it official-official, which in royalty terms means “attending their first public event together.” The two attended Pippa Middleton’s wedding together. As far as relationship terms go, attending a wedding is a BFD, and considering this wedding was like, the literal future queen’s sister and not just like, his friend from high school, it’s safe to say things were getting pretty serious.
Normal relationship translation – You go with him to his high school friend’s wedding and the two of you pose for your first official Insta together. You caption it “He puts up with me,” or something along those lines so people know you two are together and having fun.
September 6, 2017 – Meghan calls Harry her boyfriend numerous times in an article in Vanity Fair, and says they’re “two people who are very happy and in love.”
Normal relationship translation – You post a sappy status for his birthday saying how he makes you happy and shit. All your friends like it but shade you behind your back.
September 23, 2017 – The pair made their first “public appearance,” which is apparently different than “attending their first public event” (royals are so extra), at the opening of the international Invictus Games in Toronto.
Normal relationship translation – The Invictus games are kind of like, Harry’s thing, so in normal relationship terms this is basically like him inviting you to participate in his fantasy league. Once that happens, you know a ring is on the way.
November 27, 2017 – In a statement entitled “His Royal Highness Prince Henry Of Wales And Ms. Meghan Markle Are Engaged To Be Married,” the couple announced their engagement. The statement said the wedding will take place in Spring of 2018, and that the couple will live in Nottingham Cottage at Kensington Palace.
Normal relationship translation – You post a staged photo of him proposing and a close-up pic of your ring to Insta with #isaidyes! Then you quietly go ask your parents if its okay if the two of you move into their basement to save money for the wedding, which you say will take place in spring but probably won’t happen until next winter because you’re like, poor busy and shit.