After what feels like a year’s worth of teasers and promos, the much belabored Dolce feud between Kourtney and Kim finally came to a head on Thursday’s episode of The Kardashians.
When Kim arrived at Kourtney’s house to put the topic to bed (and also in bed, where the sisters choose to host most of their deep discussions, not weird) Kourtney was in the process of getting a gel manicure. She must have seen Alabama post an Instagram with the caption “unbothered 💅” and decided to enact a literal interpretation to assert dominance and throw Kim off her game.
Psychological warfare aside, the conversation was tame and muted, and the pair appeared to agree to disagree and move on with their lives. Which feels decidedly un-Kardashian.
I knew there had to be more to the story, which is why I contacted a source close to the family (😉) and received an exclusive copy of the legally binding settlement agreement between the sisters. To no one’s surprise, Kourtney had an extensive list of demands if Kim ever wanted to be graced by her pooshy presence again.
*FYI, to ensure I don’t get sued by Kris, I’m making it abundantly clear that this is a parody. Lord knows I can’t afford the legal fees.
SETTLEMENT AGREEMENT AND RELEASE
THIS SETTLEMENT AGREEMENT AND RELEASE (“Settlement Agreement”) is entered into between Kourtney Kardashian Barker, the most interesting to look at (hereinafter “Perfect Plaintiff”), and Kim Kardashian, former QuickTrim ambassador (hereinafter “Greedy Defendant”).
- On or about May 15, 2022, Greedy Defendant made a copycat business deal with Dolce & Gabbana at Perfect Plaintiff’s gorgeous and completely original Living La Dolce Vita wedding.
- On or about February 25, 2023, Perfect Plaintiff expressed displeasure at Greedy Defendant’s Milan Dolce & Gabbana fashion show, and all of her many, very real friends agreed that it was a carbon copy of Perfect Plaintiff’s wedding and a totally weird thing to do.
- The parties desire to enter this Settlement Agreement in order to squash the beef and breathe the same air without the threat of violence, upon the terms and conditions set forth herein.
The parties hereto agree as follows:
- Perfect Plaintiff reserves the first round draft picks on all holiday decor items, including, but not limited to, Christmas lights, matching pajama sets, wreaths, wrapping paper, snow globes, ornaments, stockings, Elf on the Shelf collabs, fuzzy socks, popcorn garlands, and Jeff Leatham flower arrangements.
- Perfect Plaintiff relinquishes any and all bridesmaid duties in any and all future marital unions held by Greedy Defendant. Perfect Plaintiff has already done it three times which is frankly criminal, and she’d rather be home rocking out with Trav than on a grating bachelorette trip listening to La La Anthony butcher “Love In This Club” at a touristy karaoke bar in Cancún.
- Greedy Defendant agrees to post a birthday Instagram tribute in celebration of Perfect Plaintiff in which Defendant looks noticeably and definitively worse. Deliverables include one (1) grid post and twenty-seven (27) tagged story frames.
- Greedy Defendant agrees to refrain from seeking damages if and when Perfect Plaintiff doesn’t schlep her kids to that janky Malibu house every time Greedy Defendant wants to have a family barbecue.
- Greedy Defendant agrees to attend ten (10) kourt-appointed therapy sessions to figure out what deep-seated need causes her to never be satisfied with the billions of dollars she already has and instead choose to upstage her sisters at every turn and steal their sparkle.
- Perfect Plaintiff to receive seven (7) complimentary SKIMS maternity sculpting nursing bras.
- Greedy Defendant to return the jeans she stole from Perfect Plaintiff in the seventh grade and never gave back. They don’t fit, but it’s the principle.
- Greedy Defendant agrees to host the next five (5) cousin sleepovers. Perfect Plaintiff doesn’t know how many more times she can feign interest in children’s slime creations.
This Settlement Agreement shall become effective on execution, at which time Greedy Defendant will utter the words “I’m sorry” and not mean it, and Perfect Plaintiff will say “thank you for apologizing,” and also not mean it.
Kourtney Kardashian Barker
The foregoing release was explained to Greedy Defendant and executed in accordance with our directions and advice.
North West, Esq.
Attorney for Greedy Defendant