This summer was dominated by two things: Pepto-colored Barbie collabs and celebrity breakups. Every week, we got a new titillating battle over pots and pans, a shocking revelation about divorce-inducing Ring Doorbell footage, or a torrid affair with none other than SpongeBob Squarepants.
As renowned thought leaders in the celebrity breakup landscape, we knew that the pressure was on to deliver you, our esteemed constituents, a panoramic analysis of this unprecedented industry shakeup.
We spent the past two weeks working our in-house analysts to the bone (one Juul break per hour) to compile the below data for your perusal. And let me tell you, it has everything: pie charts, bar graphs, those squiggly lines that you see on the Apple Stocks app. No expense was spared.
We’ve sliced the wagyu steak from every angle, evaluating 21 high-profile Hollywood dissolutions via factors such as relationship duration, announcement methodology, public statement strategy, and market shock value.
Thanks to our brilliance, you’re equipped to take these findings back to your boss at the divorce factory and confidently offer up in your next meeting: “According to industry titans at Betches, 14% of breakup announcements occurred via TMZ leaks — should we consider a merger?”
Exhibit A: Relationship Timeline
Exhibit B: Relaysh Duraysh
Exhibit C: Announcement Method
Exhibit D: Public Statements
Exhibit E: Reason For Split