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To call the Grammys an award show is generous.

In our ongoing efforts to make astrology the most widely accepted religion of 2018, we present to you our new sign season horoscopes.

ICMYI: A couple pretty important things happened this past Saturday, January 20th: 1.

Read our Golden Globes fashion recap here!

When I decided at the not at all young age of twenty-one that I wanted to become a writer, I never would have thought that I’d find myself, just four years later, studiously compiling a list of all the people that the President of the United States has personally feuded with.

Welcome to the holidays, Betches.

Guess what, guys?

Welcome back to tax hell, my friends.

In case you were overwhelmed by the sexual assault reckoning, the president calling other countries "shitholes", the fake missile alert in Hawaii, or just abandoned the Internet for life of solitude on a secluded ranch rural Wyoming (highly recommend), you might have missed the news that we’re quite possibly facing a government shutdown this week.

The Great Orange Meanie himself can be so distracting that it’s easy (and more comforting at times tbh) to forget that he has an entire cabinet of shitheads facilitating his outlandish behavior and allowing him to Tweet come-ons at North Korea and Lavar Ball at 3:00AM.

Last week, the Senate unveiled its newly proposed tax plan, and the House will be voting ASAP on their own plan to cut taxes for billionaires save the middle class.

Buckle up betches, because I’m about to offer a hot take on Reputation that you likely won’t find anywhere else on this site: It’s good.

The year is 2017.

On September 20th, a whopping forty or so days ago, Hurricane Maria decimated Puerto Rico, leaving nearly the entire island without power.

Bob Corker (R-TN-MAYBE OKAY?), has become the first Republican in the Senate to come out, guns-blazing, in opposition to Donald Trump.

In girl world, the past few weeks have been fucking exhausting, all thanks to the systemic opression of women that has gone on for centuries known as "the patriarchy" Harvey Weinstein.

That's right, we're back on our bullshit.

At the end of your super special day with super special people and super special speeches, you should be serving a super special dessert.

Welcome to the Betch Poets Society.

It's Friday, and you know what that means: It's the freakin' weekend.

Well here we are.

Welcome to the fourth installment of the Fad Diet Diaries: a series of experiments, where I willingly put myself through diets that range from challenging to questionable to downright abhorred by the medical community and then record my experience so that other people can learn from my mistakes.

Calling all Jon Snow fans: Kit Harrington is officially off the market.

Aries This is a week for standing up for yourself, Aries.

Aries You know that old saying “a rolling stone gathers no moss,” right?

It’s been a weird week, betches.

Well friends, we’ve made it through another season of Game of Thrones and what’s really fucking me up about this finale is that it didn’t give us a mind-numbing plot twist, horrifying death, or really anything that we didn’t expect.

Your patience for life, politics, and Taylor Swift is likely running short this week, so your weekend horoscopes are here to make things easy on you.

 I made the misguided decision to go camping this past weekend rather than watch the notoriously devastating pre-season finale episode of Game of Thrones and by the time I had returned to civilization/Wi-Fi, Viserion had died a horrible, icy death which basically means I’m never stepping foot outside the city again.

So, first of all, we'd like to apologize.

The episode opens on the fiery graveyard that is the Reach and luckily for all of us, the show runners didn’t even decide to further entertain the thought of Jaime or Bronn’s death.

In light of the very real possibility that we’re all going to die in a nuclear blast literally any day now, this weekend’s horoscopes are all #YOLO themed.

Tonight's Game of Thrones made me listen to the sound of a horse dying after having its leg sliced off on a burning battlefield and for that, if nothing else, I will never forgive them. The episode opens on the Lannister army in the Reach, marching home from Highgarden with hella money taken to pay back the Iron Bank.

Rachel is three days away from choosing her fiancé, but what about you—how is your life progressing?

This week’s episode of Game of Thrones has been brought to you by revenge, brewing romance, and one woman’s lifelong dedication to fucking up Cersei Lannister.

Well, here we are again.

Gird your loins!

Here we are again.

Just when you thought I might have learned my lesson about dabbling in fad diets for the sake of creative expression, I’ve made my miraculous return to the stage of questionable eating habits.

Game of Thrones is finally coming back, bitches, which means I am too—along with my long-winded recaps, undying love of Daario Neharis, and habitual misspelling of every characters’ name.

Happy fucking birthday, America.

Summer is here, and we all know what that means.

If there’s one thing we can rely on in this topsy-turvy world where crazy white men rule with impunity and the rest of us try to figure out where to buy red cloaks before all the good ones are gone, it’s the Bachelor franchise.

Well the world hasn’t ended so I guess it’s time for horoscopes to continue as per usual.

Author’s Note: The theme of this week’s horoscopes is “the world is burning so we might as all burn with it.” Following any of the advice listed below could result in arrest, alcohol poisoning, or very real death.

It's the unofficial start to the summer: Memorial Day Weekend.

As usually happens with new seasons of The Bachelor or Bachelorette, the day after the premiere the internet was flooded with recaps (none as good as ours), predictions, memes, and deep dives into the antics of narcissistic, overly tanned men who have voluntarily signed up to let the entire country watch them all try to fuck the same girl.

The weather is finally heating up this weekend, which could mean fun things like day drinking outside, tanning, and pretending to go swimming while actually just working on your tan some more.

Another week has come and gone, and if you're anything like me, your promises to get your life together have gone unfulfilled.

There is a lot of powerful astrology happening this weekend, and it has a 100% chance of ending with you drunk on top of a bar.