Here Are Your Weekly Horoscopes For September 18-24th


This is a week for standing up for yourself, Aries. It can be hard to hold friends accountable when they fuck up, but at some point you need to draw a line in the sand. Spoiler alert: That point is now. If you continue to let people get away with treating you like shit, treating you like shit is going to become the new norm. Don’t let that happen. Use that voice we all know you have to make your thoughts known, and don’t back down if anyone tries to question you. You deserve the best from your friends, and now is the time to make sure they know that.


Have you ever looked at your friends and thought, “Jesus Christ, grow the fuck up”? You probably have, because your level-headed nature means you’re a little ahead of the curve in terms of maturing into an adult who understand things like responsibility and remorse. This week, things are going to come to a head in that department and sadly you’re going to be the one left to deal with it. It can be hard to reconcile years of friendship and fond memories with the adult-sized toddler standing in front of you, which means it’s time to make a very difficult decision: ride out the terrible twenties or drop your friend in favor of people who are capable of caring about other people. It’s not an easy choice to make, but try putting yourself first for once and see where it gets you.

Grow Up


There are times for composure and there are times for letting loose every emotion that you’ve locked inside deep inside your chest for the past 20 or so years. This week, Gemini, is the time for the latter. Expressing emotion is the worst and only made easier by things like vodka and family holidays, but not doing it can lead to things like high blood pressure, increased stress, and accidentally massacring all your roommates in your sleep. Unless you want an episode of Law & Order based off of you sometime in the near future, try letting people know how you feel about things.


This is a week for new perspectives, Cancer. You will have the unique opportunity to experience things in a completely different way than you are accustomed to. Don’t shy away from that. Opening your world up will not only make you a more interesting person, but will probably give you some insight that you didn’t have previously. Look at you, just SO cultured. So spend the next seven days saying yes rather than no, and be ready for just about anything that follows.

Liz Lemon


There comes a time in your life, Leo, when you can no longer use alcohol as an excuse for your shitty behavior and questionable decisions. College was a free-for-all and even a couple years after got you a free pass, but now that get-out-of-jail-free card has expired. No one wants to hear things like “sorry I bailed, I was so hungover,” when you’re 25. Every once in a while? Sure. Every weekend like clockwork? Get your shit together. This week will be chock-full of time for introspection, so maybe take your extracurricular behavior into consideration while you’re at it.


There’s a lot of really cool shit on your horizon, Virgo. You have big plans that you intend to follow through on, which means that right now you should be doing nothing but prepping for them. As hard as it may be, this is a time for saving, cutting back, and generally calming the fuck down. Yeah, fall is here and fashion is enjoyable again, but think about how much it would suck to be broke when you’re jet-setting around the world two months from now before you drop half a pay check on a series of nearly identical camel sweaters.  When in doubt, remember the mantra: suffer now to splurge later.

Help Me I'm Poor


Your friends are in need this week Libra, which means you’re about to become the official shoulder to cry on. While your natural ability to empathize makes you a pro at this, you also know it can be emotionally draining to try and take on everyone else’s problems. Try to balance being there for other people with some genuine self-care. Splurge on a new candle. Get that fancy tea you like. Go wild with the bath bombs. Whatever it takes to make you feel whole while you’re busy putting other people back, do it.


Fall is in the air, Scorpio, which means a lot of things: chunky sweaters, cool weather, the return of Pumpkin Spice, the immediate internet backlash to Pumpkin Spice because we can’t let people have nice, ultimately harmless things, and most importantly—fresh starts. Summer is gone and so are any questionable choices or lingering hookups. Today is the day you start over with a clean slate, so don’t waste it. Spend this week shaping your fall to be exactly what you want it to be. Lay the groundwork now so that you can enjoy these few wonderful, brisk months before the dread of winter sets in.

Fresh Start


We all make mistakes, Sagittarius. Granted, some are drastically worse than others, but that doesn’t mean we can’t try to recover from them. The first and most important step in that process is owning up to what you did—no excuses, no attempts at justification. If you can’t do this, you have no right expecting other people to forgive whatever it is that you did. From there, it’s all about making sure everyone knows how sorry you are and actively working to repair any relationships that may have been broken in the aftermath. This is not a short or easy process, but there’s no better time than now to start. You’ll feel better knowing that you’re working towards a resolution, and your friends will respect the efforts.


Starting to feel like your life is lacking direction, Capricorn? Welcome to the club. Once you leave school and realize that the first 22 or so years of your life were spent working towards a single goal that you have now accomplished, it can be hard to reset your path. These ruts are completely normal and bound to happen a couple times throughout your life, but that doesn’t mean you should just sit and flounder until someone hands you some purpose. Use this week to try and figure out where you want to go next, and what the steps could take to get there. This level of life planning will make you want to die, so be sure wine is nearby at all times. You don’t need to come out of it with a detailed 10-year plan or anything, but at least try to figure out what your next step is, however short-term it may be.

Life Plan


This is going to be hard for you to take in, Aquarius, but I’m going to need you to try anyway. For the next seven days you have one job, and that is to put yourself first for once in your goddamned life. Your tendency to always come to the rescue of friends (even ones who don’t deserve it) is admirable, but it is also slowly killing you. There is never going to be a good time for this, so you might as well start now. People who care about you will be glad to see that you’re actually taking care of yourself, and those who aren’t probably aren’t the kind of friends you want to surround yourself with.


Your focus and determination are going to be off the charts this week, Pisces, which means it’s a great time to dive into work or any of those projects that you keep putting off. Remember all those canvases in your room that you were totally going to turn into art in, like, June? Well, better late than never. Find yourself waking up early and not feeling the immediate need to dive back into bed? Get up and greet the day! Being productive and excited will likely feel strange and unnatural at first, but don’t fight it. Natural energy is so hard to come by these days—don’t waste this opportunity.