Mercury Is A Life Ruiner: Your Weekly Horoscopes

Gird your loins! Fucking Mercury goes into retrograde, like, four times a year and we’re about to enter the third time. The actual retrograde is August 13 to September 5, but, like, why risk it. The times surrounding Mercury in retrograde are not great for making big life decisions or purchases so just hold the eff off on anything major until the middle of September. I mean, you can still get stoned and casually drop items you don’t need into your Amazon cart, but just like, maybe don’t buy them right this second.


Even though Mercury in Retrograde is on the way, the time leading up to the is pretty fucking wonderful for you. The next four weeks are supposed to be one of the best times for you in the whole year, so there’s that. This is time for you to be 100% your true self. If you want to eat avocado toast and sit by the pool every day for the next four weeks, you should do that. If you’re over summer and want to take your boss bitch self out for a spin while everyone else is phoning it in at work in August, you can do that too. Just do whatever makes you happy for the next month. Everyone else’s needs can just fucking wait.


The next four weeks are all about home and family for you. Like, maybe not mom and dad per se, but like anyone who makes you feel like you’re exactly where you’re meant to be. Let’s face it, summer is slowly but surely coming to an end. Soon enough, some big changes are heading your way so now is a good time to build a foundation with those closest to you so you have a strong foundation when anything in the future gets shaky. Likewise, it’s time to trim the fat when it comes to relationships. Stop texting that dude who breadcrumbs you but never asks to hang out back. Stop telling old friends you “need to hang out soon” when you know that’s a lie. Work on letting bygones be bygones.


The next month is rocking and rolling and whatnot for you. You’re just cruising along until the end of summer with no sign of slowing the fuck down. The Sun and Mars are making your communications with other really direct. You’ll find yourself just spitting out exactly what you mean to say and not giving a fuck about it. It’s a great time for you to either DTR or to cut a once fun fling loose for being super annoying now. Don’t worry about coming off as a bitch. Venus is like the Snapchat pretty filter, softening your public image.


Usually you manage your money pretty well, but something about the position of the stars combined with every fucking blogger posting their Nordstrom Anniversary Sale picks has you wanting to drop some cash on reinventing yourself through wardrobe choices. Instead of blowing your savings on new outfits, think about what you really want to accomplish by changing your appearance. Are you trying to seem more professional? Do you want to live in a different city? Are you tired of getting treated like a THOT and not wifey material? Sure, there are lots of reasons you want to change how you look, but the problem probably isn’t with your clothes, but how you feel. So buy a few cute new things, but work on fixing the bigger issue at the same time.


Have you felt like a backup dancer in your own life lately? Well no fucking more! This is your time to shine. The Sun is in your sign for the next few weeks and you are the priority in your own and basically everyone else’s life during this time. You’ll have lots of energy and ambition in the next month so don’t let that go to waste. Mars is lined up with the Sun in your sign so your go-getter attitude is unstoppable. Anyone that tries to stop you needs to get the fuck out of your way, really.


The Sun is hiding in your chart for the next month. Boo, you whore. But, hey. this usually happens right before the Sun bursts into your life to make everything better. So while you’re waiting in the corner like a creepy Mr. Burns type for your time to come, just stay out of everyone else’s business and try to keep it low key. I mean, you want people to show up to your birthday party when the time rolls around, don’t you? This is a time where a little argument could blow up into something way bigger than it needs to be. Just be chill and don’t rock the boat for the next month. Trust me, you’ll thank me for the advice later.


As the most social sign in the zodiac, you’re probably the organizer for your group. People just like being around you and they know if you’re doing the planning for an event, it’s bound to be a good time. The next month is the best time for you to host a party, organize a trip or start a networking plan for yourself. Your ability to schmooze and socialize will pay off in the fall when you need a hand, so put some good karma in motion.


You’re a lucky betch, Scorpio. The Sun is at the very, very top of your chart for the next four weeks. This is the only time this shit happens all year so you better fucking enjoy it. The Sun at the top of your chart means basically everyone around you will see you in a favorable light, as if the spotlight is all on you. Work on that elevator pitch because now is the time to ask for a raise, promotion or vacation. If you have something brewing in your agenda, it’s time to stop waiting on it and put your plans into motion.


As a Sagittarius betch, you’re the most likely of all the signs to include something about having wanderlust or “adventuring” in your Tinder bio. You like to get out there and explore new things, travel, whatever. The next four weeks are pulling you even harder toward a vacation or broadening your horizons. If you can’t actually get away and you have to settle for a staycation or some bullshit, work on trying new places in your own town. Suggest a new place for happy hour. Try a new workout craze. Just do what you gotta do to satisfy your itch to experience something a little different from the norm. Explore new things now because they’ll most likely be pleasant experiences. With Mercury in Retrograde around the corner, next month is not the time to try new shit.


While most of the other signs are getting the most out of the last lazy days of summer, you know, relaxing and raging, your next month is scheduled to be a little more focused and intense. You have some boring tasks you need to accomplish like paperwork or organizational shit. Something big is around the corner and you want to be as prepared as possible. You can relax later so don’t let fomo get the best of you. On a brighter note, your sex drive is, like, out of control. Mama has an itch she needs scratched. Take care of that, will you?


You’ve been raging on all cylinders all summer long so it kinda makes sense that you’re just now hitting a wall. You’ll be more tired in the next four weeks. Don’t fight it too hard, just take a nap. Mars is opposite your sign so you feel like your energy is draining quickly, like you’re just spinning your wheels when it comes to something really important to you. Likewise, you’re more likely to feel snippy and short with friends or lovers. Ew, “lovers” is a gross word. Anyway, things look up in the relationship department in the next month too. Cool, I guess.


You aren’t a Gemini but you’ll feel like your personality has been split in two in the next month. Part of you is ready to just be fucking ambitious and get the ball rolling on your next big thing. The other part of you wants to crawl in a blanket burrito in an air conditioned basement with Netflix and snacks. Hey, there’s time in your life for both. Don’t stress yourself out thinking a little bit of self care is going to throw you totally off track. Likewise, don’t think a week-long hangover will have no effect on your ability to get shit done. Find that balance, betch.