Well the world hasn’t ended so I guess it’s time for horoscopes to continue as per usual. Our bad if you followed through on your sign last week and are now in jail. Must be a pretty nice jail if you have the Wi-Fi to read this. Moving on from the horror that was last week, and this week, and really every week since Trump got his tiny, grubby hands on the White House, your weekend horoscopes are all working around the idea of calming the fuck down. The world may be burning but that doesn’t mean we can’t all just take a minute to chill and appreciate the luxuries that we won’t believe we had access to a mere three years from now when we’re all wearing red cloaks and getting impregnated by the Paul Ryans of the world.
Too much? Too much.
This weekend, take some time to relax and appreciate the little things in life. Here’s how your sign wants you to do it.
This weekend is all about pampering, Aries. As soon as you can, head to your nearest Lush and buy every face mask in sight. Head home and revel in the absolute bliss that only comes from knowing that you’re dewy as a newborn baby. But don’t stop there! The only reason you should be leaving the house this weekend is for an appointment that will bring you one step closer to nirvana. Manicures. Pedicures. Massages. Waxes if you’re feeling brave. Come Monday you should be looking red carpet ready, and feeling more relaxed than you have since the first grade. Will it all melt away by Tuesday? For sure, but don’t let that stop you.
Some people can only truly relax when they’re alone in their room with a candle burning and a shitty CW show playing on loop in the background. Unfortunately, you are not one of those people, Taurus; you feel best when surrounded by people you love. Sounds fake, but okay. This weekend, get back to basics with the people that make you feel like you’re at home. If that literally means heading home, go for it. I’m sure you can manage 48 hours of peace with your parents before your blood pressure sky rockets. Maybe it’s just a close-knit group of friends that keep you grounded. Again, sounds like far too healthy of a relationship model, but sure let’s go with it. Whoever you need to get some peace in your life, seek them out and proceed to veg out until your existential dread meter is back to somewhat normal.
Nothing calms down a Gemini like making sure anyone who has wronged them is living in constant, lingering dread. This weekend, put the fear of God in your enemies by showing up at events where you know they’ll be in attendance. Make it worse by looking better than you’ve ever looked in your entire life. Don’t worry, I’m sure there’s a 24-hour cleanse for that. Whatever the event is, don’t leave until you’ve said hello to every single person except the one you’re targeting. Circle them like a shark all night and then just disappear. There’s nothing quite like the sense of foreboding that an Irish Exit leaves in its wake.
This weekend is going to be a 48-hour reprieve from work, Cancer. This includes, but is not limited to: ignoring emails, not taking calls, not thinking about your incompetent boss, and most importantly, not incessantly talking about how much you hate your job. In other words, a vacation for you and all your friends as well. At some point it may become tempting to open up outlook and scour through the 300 emails that confirm your worst nightmare: you are an adult. Fight this urge at all costs for many reasons, but mostly because all that shit will be waiting for you Monday anyway.
There are plenty of ways to relax, but we all know that the human body prefers one method over the rest. It just so happens that you do as well, Leo. This weekend will be wholly dedicated to the world’s greatest evolutionary advancement: sleep. Cancel everything. Turn off your phone. Black out the windows. Lay in bed and sleep your cares, your worries, and your appetite away. At some point, society will tell you it’s time to wake up. Society is lying. Don’t emerge from your hibernation until absolutely necessary, aka Monday morning an hour later than you were supposed to wake up for work. Will you feel rested at the end of it all? Probably not. But you’ll experience the inner peace that comes from knowing you had a better and less regretful weekend than anyone else you know.
Virgos work best when they have clarity. It’s really hard to achieve clarity when you’re hanging onto multiples years’ worth of baggage. This weekend, it’s time to KonMari your life away, Virgo. You’ll never feel more relaxed than the moment after you’ve purged your life of every shitty, unnecessary thing you own. Not only does it make room to buy more, still likely unnecessary things, but it also makes it super easy to pack up and evacuate once the government falls and anarchy kicks in. Either way, your house will be Instagram ready at any given moment, and isn’t that what really matters?
A Libra’s favorite way to relax is to let loose in a contained environment. Like yeah, you’re going to drink two bottles of wine over the course of two hours, but you’re going to do it in sweatpants on your couch. This weekend, rage the day away from the comfort of your bed. Is there any bliss like getting wasted by yourself and watching rom coms? Absolutely not. Is that sad? Maybe, but don’t let that stop you. These days we have to take all the simple pleasures we can get, and this weekend it’s nine glasses of vinho verde and a John Hughes movie marathon in absolute solitude. Get ready for peak levels of relaxation/Monday morning hangover.
It’s time to get the fuck out of town, Scorpio. Nothing says “I don’t have a care in the world” like picking up and leaving without telling a single person. Everyone has Find My Friends, they’ll figure it out. But don’t worry about that, because this weekend your only concern is getting far away and just focusing on yourself. Remember in the cursed Gilmore Girls revival when Lorelai went on that weird, extended hike and then realized she’d been a bitch to her dad almost her entire life? That’s what we’re shooting for here, but for the love of God don’t go hiking. You can still recover from repressed memories and childhood traumas without sweating on a mountain.
You’re at you most zen when you’re feeling healthy and active, Sagittarius. Will I ever understand it? No. But I respect it. Kind of. This weekend, sweat your little heart out and take joy in the fact that you’re taking care of both your mental and physical health at the same time. Truly two birds, one stone. AM Yoga, PM Barre, mid-day jogs: you’re going to look like a Nike commercial, and you’re going to look good doing it. Come Monday, when you’re basically ready to enter your first iron man, treat yourself by continuing the streak. Everyone will hate your glowing complexion and natural energy, and is there really any better motivation than that?
It’s time to abandon the stresses and rancor of the burning society we live in and make your way out into nature, Capricorn. You know who don’t grab women by the pussy? Trees. You know who don’t try and ban immigrants from entering our country? The sky. You know where Trump wouldn’t be caught dead? Nature. And thus, into nature you go. Take some time to truly appreciate the little bit of the world that hasn’t been poisoned yet by the federal government. Now is great timing because it likely won’t be there for long.
The stars have a very simple equation for you this weekend, Aquarius, and it’s going to be the most blissful weekend of your life. First, clean your room. This sounds counterintuitive to chilling the fuck out, but stay with us. Once your room is spotless, close your door. Do not open it for the next 48 hours unless you’re venturing out for sustenance. Inside this perfect sanctuary, you will truly find peace. Light a candle. Turn off your phone. Read a book. Binge a show. Nap to your heart’s content. Whatever it is, make sure you’re doing it alone. Two days of peaceful solitude should be enough time to recharge yourself for the ensuing week of socializing/reading the news.
Is there anything more soothing than a home cooked meal, Pisces? Impossible, unless you’re the one doing the cooking. This weekend, seek out the comforts of childhood by heading home and letting your parents pamper you. These kind of ventures work best when they’re used sparingly, so make the most of it. Let your mom fill you with more butter-based items than you’ve had in the past six years. Drink alcohol that cost more than $10. Sleep in sheets that you know for a fact get washed once a week. Let yourself spend two days blissfully in the control of someone else, and then get the hell out come Monday when you realize that living at home isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. You’ll know it’s time when your mom starts asking about her non-existent grandchildren.