Game of Thrones is finally coming back, bitches, which means I am too—along with my long-winded recaps, undying love of Daario Neharis, and habitual misspelling of every characters’ name. Did you all miss me? I just watched this blessed trailer three times in a row in an airport terminal, and once I was done sobbing I figured it was time to make some predictions for the season. I haven’t read the books (but apparently neither have the showrunners, so….) which means these predictions are truly guesses and likely off-base, so please make sure your hate mail is at least grammatically correct this time around.
1. The Lannisters Are Fucked
After last season, I was almost sure that Jaime would end up killing Cersei in some murder-suicide situation in order to save society. I still think that’s in the cards, but for the time being they appear to be on the same side. The trailer opens with Cersei listing all their enemies, and honestly it could have been a lot shorter list if she had just said “literally everyone in this fictitious world.” She is confident that the Lannisters will prevail, which is impressive seeing as how there are literally two of them left, because we all know Tyrion is a Lannister by name only.
Cersei: We are the only two Lannisters left.
Cersei: Guess that means—
Cersei: We might have to—
Jaime: Cersei, please.
Cersei: Make some more.
My guess? The Lannisters’ time is numbered. If Team Targaryen doesn’t take them out, there’s only an entire country of people left to take up the reins. In case we forgot, she fucking blew up half the city.
2. Dany Kisses A Girl (And Likes It)
Next up is Daenerys, who has finally landed in Westeros. I’m not crying, you’re crying. Dany and company, with freshly minted Hand of the King Tyrion by her side, set up camp at Dragonstone, Dany’s birth place and historically the home of the sitting Targaryen ruler.
From the trailer alone it looks like her army is making great strides across Westeros. There’s a shot of them storming a Lannister property, presumably Casterly Rock, and running across a battlefield while Dragons fly overhead. As the field was green and not covered in 20 feet of snow, it’s safe to assume they haven’t reach the North…yet.
Counting down the days until Sansa and Dany meet and become best friends and braid each other’s hair and discuss the inadequacies of men, can you IMAGINE.
Also on the table: the palpable sexual tension we witnessed between Dany and Yara last season. There’s endless opportunities for romance here if you think about it. Late nights in the war room, sunset dragon rides, co-slaughtering of thousands of men: it’s a recipe for love. If the show doesn’t take us there, fear not, because Fanfiction will. BRB starting first draft of Game of Thrones, Actually.
3. Littlefinger Fuckery
Speaking of the North, it looks like Jon is doing just fine. Our first shot of him is accompanied by “King of the North” chants, which I hope have literally been going on ad nauseam since the last season ended. Sansa is by his side, looking regal af, and Littlefinger is lurking somewhere in the background, continuing his six-season Animorph into an actual rat.
Big prediction that someone who’s never even heard of Game of Thrones could make: Littlefinger is going to spend substantial time this season driving a wedge between Jon and Sansa. The question that remains…will it work? For a bit, inevitably. I’m hoping that it will all be a ruse that ends in Sansa feeding Baelish to wolves à la Ramsey Bolton, but I’ve also been pushing for that since approximately season two.
4. Jon Snow Bangs His Sister
A rumor that has made it’s rounds on the internet is bound to be addressed: Will Jon and Sansa become a thing? Thanks to the confirmation of R + L = J, we know Jon isn’t technically a Stark…but does that matter? I’ve never watched The Fosters, but I’d imagine they have similar storylines if the writers are looking for guidance on this one.
5. Nobody Listens To Daavos
Something that I can 100% guarantee that will happen this season? Everyone will be too busy with their Westeros pissing contest to listen to Daavos’ very real concerns about the army of zombies steadily marching their way. After a shot of Melisandre, who finally abandoned her crush on Jon and has appeared to move on to the other super-hot Targaryen, arriving at Dragonstone, we can only hope that she will be able to talk some sense into Team Dany.
It looks like Daavos might also make the trek to Camp Targaryen, and we all know that Daenerys has a soft spot for old white men who speak in urgent whispers. If he can’t convince her to ally with Jon and take down the White Walkers, no one can.
6. Jon Snow Bangs His Aunt
Speaking of Jon and Dany…is there an opportunity for incest round two? In this case it could be accidental, but also it’s Westeros so maybe not. Nothing solidifies an alliance like marriage, and nothing screams irony like two relatives marrying each other after talking shit about the Lannisters for six years.
7. Arya’s Back, Back Again
Arya will for sure make it back to Winterfell, it’s mostly just a question of when. If it doesn’t happen within four minutes of the first episode, I’m going to McFreaking lose it. Let her and Needle take the world by storm, we are READY.
8. Tons Of Weird Sex Stuff (Obviously)
Despite the multiple jokes about potential incest, it does look like there’s some romance on the horizon this season. We get some quick takes of Grey Worm and Missandei ripping each other’s clothes off, which is only bound to end in an interesting manner.
Reminder: Grey Worm is a eunuch. You know who aren’t eunuchs and are very much shown making out? Yara and Ellaria. Shout out to the ladies who have finally figured out that no man in Westeros is worth the trouble.
9. Mucho Deatho
All the shots of war, fighting, and general murder filled me with enough adrenaline to not sleep for the next three days. Jon attacking Littlefinger, dragons swooping on people who didn’t believe they existed, someone drowning in fiery water, it all means one thing: the war is fucking on. Another prediction I can assure you will come to fruition: a fuck ton of people are going to die, even by Game of Thrones standards.
10. It’s Gonna Be Lit
Only a little under two months until we can all spend Sunday nights the way we were meant to: screaming, sobbing, and praising the ground that Daenerys Targaryen walks on. See you all back here after the premiere. You bring the wine, I’ll bring the commentary.