What's Your Sign?

Our weekly & weekend horoscopes are moving — straight to your inbox! Sign up to get the horoscope newsletter twice a week.

Here Are Your Weekend Horoscopes For October 13-15th

By Betch Ivy Carter | October 13, 2017

Share this sh*t

Welcome to the Betch Poets Society. Kidding. But for this weekend’s horoscopes we’re going to switch it up a little—class it up if you will—with some haikus. *snaps* Why haikus? IDK, but go with it. It’s #cultured. For those who didn’t make haikus in grade school, haiku is a form of Japanese poetry with poems consisting of three lines. The first and last lines have five syllables and the middle one has seven. So much can be said in three lines. Try it. Text your girls, “Read your horoscope / To find out if you should rage / Or stay home and sleep.” Done. That wasn’t hard. Why did I go to college again?


Sometimes I look at 
Aries and think why. Just why
Do you do these things.



The life of a bull
Can be tedious at times.
Start shaking shit up.


Time to make the leap
It’s do or die, Gemini.
Don’t be a pussy.



Loving a Cancer
Is like trying to hug air:
You look fucking dumb.


You know what sucks, dude?
Your general attitude.
Lighten up, my guy.



Things to remember:
No one cares about your job.
Find a new topic.


You’re a free spirit.
We get it. You just love drugs.
Do them quietly.

Chelsea Handler Acid


Do you ever feel
Like a monumental dick?
Maybe you should start.


We are on a rock
Flying towards absolute doom.
Eat the fucking cake.

Tina Fey Cake


It’s time to let loose.
Get that stick out of your ass.
Let that freak flag fly.


Let’s try something new,
Try being calm for one day.
For the love of God.


Wow, you are a mess.
Even strangers are concerned.
Love yourself, Pisces.