Welcome to the Betch Poets Society. Kidding. But for this weekend’s horoscopes we’re going to switch it up a little—class it up if you will—with some haikus. *snaps* Why haikus? IDK, but go with it. It’s #cultured. For those who didn’t make haikus in grade school, haiku is a form of Japanese poetry with poems consisting of three lines. The first and last lines have five syllables and the middle one has seven. So much can be said in three lines. Try it. Text your girls, “Read your horoscope / To find out if you should rage / Or stay home and sleep.” Done. That wasn’t hard. Why did I go to college again?
Aries
Sometimes I look at
Aries and think why. Just why
Do you do these things.
Taurus
The life of a bull
Can be tedious at times.
Start shaking shit up.
Gemini
Time to make the leap
It’s do or die, Gemini.
Don’t be a pussy.
Cancer
Loving a Cancer
Is like trying to hug air:
You look fucking dumb.
Leo
You know what sucks, dude?
Your general attitude.
Lighten up, my guy.
Virgo
Things to remember:
No one cares about your job.
Find a new topic.
Libra
You’re a free spirit.
We get it. You just love drugs.
Do them quietly.
Scorpio
Do you ever feel
Like a monumental dick?
Maybe you should start.
Sagittarius
We are on a rock
Flying towards absolute doom.
Eat the fucking cake.
Capricorn
It’s time to let loose.
Get that stick out of your ass.
Let that freak flag fly.
Aquarius
Let’s try something new,
Try being calm for one day.
For the love of God.
Pisces
Wow, you are a mess.
Even strangers are concerned.
Love yourself, Pisces.
