America Is Drunk And So Are You: Your Weekend Horoscopes August 18-20

So, first of all, we’d like to apologize. It appears we got some of our astrological signs mixed up last weekend and attempted to prepare you for what appeared to be the beginning of World War III. As it turns out, what we actually needed to prepare you for was the beginning of Civil War II. Our bad. Sometimes the stars can be tricky bitches, and much like you anytime a guy asks you where you want to go for food, they don’t just come out and tell you what they want. One thing, however, is clear: The world is getting fucked up, and so too shall you.


Big things are coming your way, Aries! And not a moment too soon. Make sure you’re looking picture perfect all weekend, because you’ll be getting some Instagram-worthy news that will undoubtedly end in celebrating. Go all out, you’ve earned a reprieve from the otherwise dismal happenings of 2017.


Sometimes in life we have to fight for the things we want. Other times, we need to recognize when it’s time to call it quits. This weekend definitely calls for the second of those two options, Taurus. There’s no shame in bowing out gracefully when things come to a natural end. It only gets embarrassing when you refuse to recognize what’s so obvious to everyone around you. Take some time over the next two days to come to terms with the end of an era, and then get ready for the next big thing.


People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, Gemini. Similarly, people who spend their free time talking a lot of shit shouldn’t go around belittling other people for talking a lot of shit. We’re all assholes, and the sooner you recognize that, the better. Stop bickering with your friends over who said what and instead come together to use your evil powers for good: talking shit about nazis. It’s what America needs.


There are times for compromising and there are times for standing your ground with the stubborn irrationality of your conservative baby boomer father. This weekend, hell probably even this whole year, calls for the latter. 2017 is a fiery wasteland and no time for comprising your morals or ethics. You didn’t spend your entire early 20s unlearning all the problematic shit society spent your entire life grinding into you just so a Donald Trump supporter in a white polo could show up and derail all your hard work. Fuck that. Stand your ground and take no shit from racist assholes: your mantra for the rest of forever.


As your birthday window winds down, Leo, it’s time to take stock of your life. More accurately, of your bank account. A month of celebration isn’t cheap, and it’s likely you’re not in the best financial shape. This weekend is a great time to hide yourself, and your debit card, away from the limelight. Your social life will survive one weekend of solitude, but your wallet probably wouldn’t make it through one last hurrah.


This is a weekend for trying new things, Virgo! You’re probably skeptical because you’re no fan of change, but you’ll find that the next two days will bring out a much more accepting, adventurous you. Take advantage of this new mindset by doing things that you’d usually avoid. This is fun because it could mean literally anything. Go on a two day health binge! Try putting yourself out there and meeting new people! Do fun new drugs! Whatever you decide, just make sure it’s a divergence from your typical routine.


The next few weeks are going to be busy as hell for you, Libra, which makes this weekend the calm before the storm. Take full advantage by not moving once. The mental strength required for multiple straight weekends of socializing is nothing to be underestimated. Use this time to relax, replenish and reinvigorate yourself for two weeks ahead. Namastay in bed, betch.


You’re at a crossroads in your life, Scorpio, and it’s time to make a decision. Tragic, I know. In this case, the only advice we can offer is to take to road that scares you a little. Life is too short (nuclear war impending) to be boring. Choose adventure and excitement over the ordinary, because odds are we’re all dying in a radiation storm next month anyway.


Love is in the air, Sagittarius. Don’t believe me? Understandable, considering how dry you’ve been in that department lately. But along with the insane traffic and potential cults, this eclipse is bringing some spice to your love life. Your only job is to be open to it. Spend the next two days saying yes instead of no and see where it gets you.


You’re going to find yourself feeling nostalgic this weekend, Capricorn. Blame the eclipse or the ever-looming threat of nuclear war, but you may find yourself craving the comforts of childhood. Do not fight this. We all need to go back to basics from time to time. Use this weekend to revel in the things that make you feel safe and at home and shun anyone who tries to detract from it.


Let’s get right down to it, Aquarius. No one can fix your life but you. You can whine to your parents, bitch to your friends, drown your sorrows in cheap wine, but none of it will matter unless you get up and actually do something about your dumpster fire of a life. This weekend, either resolve to fix your problems or invest in a lifetime supply of two buck chuck. For your sake, we’re hoping it’s the former.


You know what you don’t have time for, Pisces? Dumb people. Life is short and so is your patience for incompetence. Use these next two days to take stock of your life and the people in it, and then do not hesitate to trim any fat. We could all go up in nuclear smoke any day now, so don’t waste your time with anyone who doesn’t make your life better.