As usually happens with new seasons of The Bachelor or Bachelorette, the day after the premiere the internet was flooded with recaps (none as good as ours), predictions, memes, and deep dives into the antics of narcissistic, overly tanned men who have voluntarily signed up to let the entire country watch them all try to fuck the same girl. Move aside, baseball, this is America’s greatest past time.
This year there was one man so loud, so outrageous, so all-encompassing, that he overtook any and all coverage of the first week’s episode. You all know who I’m talking about. Whaboom would offend me if I wasn’t so absolutely sure that he’s going to die three episodes in from a self-inflicted stroke. While everyone was writing about him, his catchphrase, his outfit, his IMDB page, and his tendency to fat shame people on Instagram, other beautiful moments were fading away from our collective memory. He whaboomed his way into our minds and left room for nothing else.
No more. Today I present to you the unsung heroes of Rachel Lindsey’s Bachelorette premiere. May they finally receive the respect and recognition they deserve.
1. Blake K.
Not only did I think Blake was making it through at least two international trips this season, five minutes before the premiere started I very boldly declared him the next Bachelor in front of my entire viewing party. That’s how confident I was in this super hot veteran. Why, you ask? Because hot veterans are The Bachelor franchise’s bread and butter.
Do you think Luke Pell’s cardboard personality would have gotten him anywhere if he weren’t a male model who served his country? Hell no. But give him a uniform and let him brood in a field in Texas and WHABOOM (I’m sorry), television gold.
Here’s hoping that Blake made enough of an impression on Bachelor Nation to secure his spot in paradise. If the Buzzfeed rumors are true and he left because of his ailing grandfather (WOULD YOUR MAN EVER), I think it’s safe to say this won’t be the last we see of Blake.
Forever the one who got away. We won’t forget you, Blake K.
2. This Man’s Jacket
After 10 minutes of internet diving I cannot find a better picture of Peter from Wisconsin’s jacket, which means it was truly an unsung hero of this premiere. Not a single article written about it! Yesterday I saw a Buzzfeed quiz about blowjob habits and how your food preferences determine the type of dog you owned in a previous life, and yet not one. Single. Article. About. This. Jacket. It’s a tragedy.
When Peter got out of the car I thought it was Sean O’Pry arriving as his character from the “Blank Space” music video, that’s the kind of power this jacket has. Peter, please wear it every rose ceremony, because six straight weeks of the same suit jacket would still be better than 30 seconds of the hot pink homecoming atrocity that Grant was sporting.
What the fuck, Grant.
3. The Kebabs
Alex is outrageously attractive. GQ called him Jon Hamm in disguise, and they aren’t wrong. It’s not even that great of a disguise, tbh. But we’re not here to talk about any of that. Alex and his winning smile had better make it to hometowns for one reason, and one reason only.
Those goddamn kebabs. You know the ones.
During his coveted extended on-screen introduction, we got shots of Alex exercising, reading books, doing fake work, and loving his mother. I don’t give a shit about any of that. What I want is an entire two-hour premiere of Alex and his mom prepping, cooking, and eating those kebabs, while whispering sweet Russian nothings to each other. If Rachel drops him, I will marry into this family solely for the barbecue game and any potential leniency that will be afforded to me when the Russians eventually invade.
4. America’s Tax Dollars
I don’t remember which mediocre suitor arrived in an ambulance to greet his potential short-term fiancée, but I do remember someone in my living room yelling “nice to see our tax dollars at work.” Do I watch The Bachelorette with a conservative 60-year-old man? Maybe, but frankly that’s none of your business.
One of these future Diff Eyewear peddlers was too good for the alcohol-fueled limo that ABC supplied him, and instead opted to waste Americans’ hard-earned money on an entrance that I’m pretty sure got him sent home on the first night. Thanks, asshole.
5. Rachel’s Ability To Laugh At Men’s Terrible Jokes
The best kept secret of being a woman is that we are all born with the innate ability to laugh at the shitty, relentless jokes men throw at you, who think that their unparalleled wit will melt the clothes right off your body. While I have seen some true masters of the craft in my time, I have never witnessed a woman with the stamina and blind determination of Rachel Lindsay. Not only that, but you actually want to believe her when she chuckles playfully as a grown fucking man tickles her without her consent her on national television. Generations from now, girls will reverently whisper her name while recounting the fearless tales of Rachel, The Protector of Fragile Masculinity.
6. The Amount Of Fake Law Acting
It was nice of anyone involved in law in this show to take extra airtime to show off some totally legit sneak peaks into their daily lawyer lives. If only there was a single TV show out there that depicted that very thing. The producers could have dropped in random clips from How to Get Away with Murder and it would have still been more believable than watching Rachel say “I object” to an empty room.
7. Mohit’s ‘Disturbia’ Re-Enactment
If Mohit’s drunken and uncomfortable narration of Rachel’s first kiss wasn’t all of us in middle school, then I don’t know what the fuck you spent your early adolescent years doing. Mohit is the drunk guy that leaves motivational notes to his hungover self the next morning, next to a bottle of water and a popcorn kernel that he thought was Advil. Mohit is the drunk friend who will tuck you in when you pass out on the bathroom floor with a pillow, blanket, trash bag, and every plant in your home “just in case you get lonely.” We all need a Mohit in our lives.
8. Kenny’s 34-Year-Old Daughter
How does 35-year-old Kenny have a 34-year-old daughter? I don’t know, I write Bachelorette op-eds for a living. Leave the science to other people. What I do know is that the child that appeared in his intro has graduated college, gotten her life together, settled down, found a man, raised a child of her own, and is now signing her lonely father up for a reality TV dating show. Good on you, mystery daughter, for looking after your family.
9. Adam Jr.
I don’t care what anyone says, Adam Jr.’s brief interview in French was the funniest thing to ever happen in the history of this show. Find me whatever drunk producer or sleep-deprived intern decided to pick up this doll, make it from Lyon, France, and have it speak in weird, poetic statements to the camera, because we all know it didn’t come from the mind of Adam Sr. Better yet, find me the person who decided to balance of glass of Champagne in its hand while it lounged on the couch. I’ll marry them.
The fact that the closing of the episode focused on the shittiest four bar Friday that I’ve ever been forced to witness and not another interview with Adam Jr. is the single greatest misstep this show has ever made, and I’m counting Juan Pablo’s entire season in that statement.
10. Any Woman Who’s Ever Had Sex With The Aspiring Drummer
The fact that Blake E. was the only one of the two Blakes to survive the first rose ceremony will haunt me for the rest of my life. Blake E. is a personal trainer, 31-year-old aspiring drummer, and self-proclaimed “sexpert” who has had many, many women tell his how amazing his penis is. Great penis. The best penis you’ll ever see. Yuge.
Blake E. came in on night one and immediately decided, after making us all watch an extended introduction about how good he is at sex, that he would be the guy to decide who was and wasn’t here for the right reasons. Instead of like, I don’t know, trying to build alliances on the first night like any sane person would do, he goes straight for confronting a blacked out Whaboom about his intentions. Bold move Cotton, let’s see how it works out for him.
First of all, are you fucking new here? This is like week four material. Second, OBVIOUSLY Whaboom is here for the wrong reasons. No one takes one look at the guy in a tank top with his own catchphrase on it and thinks “This man is ready to be engaged in six weeks.” It’s more like, “Ahhh, the next face of Sugar Bear Hair Vitamins has finally arrived.” My dead grandmother knew Whaboom was here for the wrong reasons, there was literally no point to trying to singlehandedly hash that out at the first cocktail party.
So, if this is how narrow-sighted and salty Blake E. gets over one obnoxious man/child/Whaboom, then can you imagine what it’s like when his Amazing Penis stops working halfway through sex? Yikes. God speed to any woman who’s ever had to encounter it and also please email us your stories ASAP to [email protected].
11. Chris Harrison’s Lasting Patience
I don’t know if it’s the Botox, the gallon of mimosas, or the eight Klonopin that Chris Harrison ingests on a daily basis, but his patience rivals that of a nun. The man is unbreakable.
We’ve watched him calmly scold an adult man who got so drunk he shit his pants and mocked a girl with one arm. We’ve seen him sit by patiently as hundreds of drunken girls have sobbed about the fact that their boyfriend who’s also dating 16 other women doesn’t seem to have enough time for them. You know how many times Chris Harrison has had to experience the Whaboom in his cursed life? Too many for me to be comfortable imagining. That man spent an entire season with Nick Viall, and even made it kind of seem like he didn’t completely despise him. Completely.
Chris Harrison is a force of nature, unmoved by 15 years’ worth of suffering through some of the absolute worst people that society can produce. Could it be the millions upon millions of dollars he’s ranked in from the Bachelor franchise? Maybe, but the Klonopin doesn’t hurt.