Your patience for life, politics, and Taylor Swift is likely running short this week, so your weekend horoscopes are here to make things easy on you. Here’s some chic haikus to guide you through the next couple of days. What can we say? The eclipse energy is still around and we feel like trying new things.
Aries
People are the worst.
Do avoid them at all costs.
Netflix will save you.
Taurus
Poverty is real.
You will know it soon enough.
Stop using Postmates.
Gemini
It’s been a dry month.
Your bed is the Sahara.
Go get that dick, girl.
Cancer
Friends may come and go.
Chic-ass clothes are evergreen.
Splurge your cold heart out.
Leo
Sticks and stones may break
Your bones but vodka mends all.
Pour it up. Fall out.
Virgo
Happy Birthday, betch.
May your month be glorious
As the rest of you.
Libra
Reunion’s in sight.
Nostalgia is a liar.
He is not that hot.
Scorpio
Your rage knows no bounds.
Make sure everyone knows it.
One word: Dracarys.
Sagittarius
The eclipse is done.
Please throw away your glasses.
You tragic pack rat.
Capricorn
Sometimes you are kind.
Sometimes you’re a heinous bitch.
You can’t win them all.
Aquarius
Honesty is key
To all failed relationships.
Bury that baggage.
Pisces
You are almost there.
Your struggle will be worth it.
Just keep on swimming.
