A Personalized Guide To Cutting People Out Of Your Life: Your Weekend Horoscopes August 4-6

Rachel is three days away from choosing her fiancé, but what about you—how is your life progressing? Since we all know nobody makes any major life moves during the week, it’s on the weekend—and specifically, your weekend horoscopes—to predict how you’re going to fuck up change your life this time. Hopefully for the better, but if not, don’t blame us. Blame the stars. This weekend it’s all about focusing on who’s a ride or die and who should just die—metaphorically speaking, I mean. Read your weekend horoscope below and then take a good, long, introspective look at your current relationships.


You’ve been having a rough time, Aries, and it’s abundantly clear to everyone close to you. That sucks, it really does. “Summertime Sadness” may be a great song but it’s not a great lifestyle. But here’s the thing, being in a bad place doesn’t give you free reign to treat the rest of your friends like shit. Despite what they may put out into the world, I promise that all your friends are having a hard time, too. You know how I know? Because they’re a twentysomething living in Trump’s America. We’re all scared, tired, and unsure of what’s coming. Rather than push everyone away, try to come together over the fact that none of us are going to have social security or even a government by the time we’re 50.


I have a life lesson for you, Taurus, and once you learn it your life is going to get so much better. Here it is: There is a difference between your loved ones attacking you and just simple trying to hold you accountable for your shit. Learn the difference. Memorize the difference. And then get your shit together. We’re all adults (technically) and no one wants to act like an under-appreciated mom who resents all her spoiled children. Don’t be that mom, and don’t turn any of your friends into that mom. Own your shit and they’ll own theirs and maybe, just maybe, we’ll all get through this dumpster fire that is 2017.

Get Your Shit Together Carol


You’ve been known to overreact, Gemini. It’s okay, it’s part of your insane charm. And while your friends are used to it and they know how to effectively talk you off a ledge, this weekend, don’t listen to them. You’re about to go the fuck off, and you deserve it. For the next two days, your feelings are the only ones that matter and you have free reign to confront anyone who’s wronged you. Deal with the ramifications Monday when you’re coming down from your adrenaline high.


Pro-tip Cancer: Relationships shouldn’t make you want to die. Groundbreaking, right? This weekend, your only task is to take stock of your relationships and figure out which ones are severely fucking with your life. And then…. end them. Easier said than done, I know. But at least come up with a game plan. Friendship breakups are one of the worst things you could possibly go through, but they’re better than living in hell. If resolution was on option, you wouldn’t be taking your horoscope about dumping your friends seriously. So, go forth and cleanse your life and get ready to enter fall a new person.

Cut Them Off


Admitting you’re wrong is hard, Leo. I mean, we wouldn’t know, we’re perfect. But from what we hear, it’s the worst. Hopefully you can get past that, because this weekend it’s time for you to sit down and start owning up to your shit. This is the only time you will ever hear us recommending that you eat an entire pie, and the flavor is humble. Will it be hard? For sure. But guess what? Your friends will respect you for it. Welcome to adulthood, where relationships are hard and drunk crying in a bathroom won’t solve all your problems. Sometimes you have to put on your big girl pants and take care of your issues sober. It never gets easier, but honestly what worthwhile thing does?


Getting older sucks, Virgo, for more reason than one. Let’s discount the aging and the responsibility and taxes and all the typical shit and dive into the one thing that no one really warns you about: outgrowing your friends. Much like the growing pains that accompanied your 15-year-old growth spurt, growing apart from a friend is a long, painful process that you didn’t expect and yet no one else seems to be surprised by. This weekend, you may have to come to terms with the fact that your relationship is coming to an end, and it won’t be easy. It doesn’t mean either of you have done anything wrong, just that you no longer have the connection forged by week-long benders at 21. And guess what? That’s okay. The sooner you accept this, the easier it will be to move on. You’ll always have the (blurry) memories to look back on.

Not Friends


One of the benefits of getting older (no really, there are some) is that you slowly but surely figure out which of your friends are there for you no matter what, and which will be eroded by time and circumstance. That sounded more dramatic than it needed to, but you get the gist. For the past couple months, a clear delineation has become noticeable within your group of friends: the ride or dies and the friends of convenience. This weekend, it will become even more clear. Don’t fight it. People who want to be in your life will fight to be there. Those who don’t aren’t worth your time or tears.


This weekend you’re going to feel the need to come to the defense of a friend, and you shouldn’t question the impulse. Do it. For the next two days you are so ride or die that they could make a CW show about you. If your friend wants to cause a scene at bar, you’re standing on a table. If she wants to bust up into her ex’s house for some much-needed retribution, you’re the getaway car. You get the gist: you’re in it. Sure, people may think you’re insane, but this is what friends are for.

Down Ass Bitch


You’ve been known to bend to the will of others, Sagittarius. Not because you’re a pushover, but because you’re a peacekeeper. You like it best when people are getting along and you’ll do what you can to facilitate it. It’s thankless work, but every friend group needs one and you’ve selflessly stood up to be the Great Mediator. Well guess what? This weekend, you’re putting yourself first for a change. It’ll make you uncomfortable but after it’s done you’ll probably be able to relax for the first time in your cursed life. What a wild concept, right? Let everyone work around you for once and remind them what a vital role you play in their lives.


You know what’s not cute, Capricorn? This never-fucking-ending cutout shoulder trend. That’s entirely unrelated to your horoscope, but I needed to come out with a formal stance and this seemed like the appropriate place. But you know what else isn’t cute? Temper tantrums. Mildly tolerable on toddlers, a full-blown fit thrown by someone in their mid-20s is quite possibly the least attractive thing you could pull. And yet, that hasn’t seemed to stop your friends, has it? This weekend, someone you know is going to be on one and insist that a public location is the time to vent her grievances at the top of her lungs. This time, it’s not your job to deal with it. Once you see it starting, save yourself and GTFO. Let her find her own way home for once.

You Can Walk Home Bitches


I know you spend a lot of time suppressing that God Complex, Aquarius. I know this because I’m an Aquarius and it’s a daily struggle to not let my extreme superiority go to my head. I respect your struggle, but I also have fantastic news. This weekend, stop suppressing. You have a friend in need and your God Complex is finally, finally, warranted. It’s time to unleash your inner monster and go wild, a moment you’ve been prepping your entire life for. Use that icy cold detachment to your advantage and don’t let emotion get in the way while you lay waste to your enemies. Come Monday you may have some explaining to do, but that’s a problem for later you.


Shit is going down this weekend, Pisces. While everyone else might be knee-deep in drama, you’re smarter than that. Our advice? Don’t engage. Go dark for the next two or three days. Hide yourself away and make sure your location is off on all devices. Honestly, you might be better off just shutting your phone down and praying no one as the balls to just walk into your home. The dust should clear by Monday and you can emerge unscathed while everyone else is trying to piece their lives’ back together.

Homer Simpson