If there’s one thing we can rely on in this topsy-turvy world where crazy white men rule with impunity and the rest of us try to figure out where to buy red cloaks before all the good ones are gone, it’s the Bachelor franchise. Dictators may rise, civilizations may fall, gorillas could overthrow the human race, but Chris Harrison and ABC will never relinquish their death grip on our Monday and Tuesday nights, even in the face of sexual misconduct allegations.
In case you hadn’t heard the fantastic news, Bachelor in Paradise is back in production after Warner Brothers pursued an internal investigation and determined that nothing shady happened. Sounds legit. I mean, what could possibly go wrong when you stick a bunch of Diff Eyewear ambassadors in a secluded resort, drown them in tequila, and then tell them to fuck each other? Other than absolutely everything? Let’s be real, we all know ABC had entire law firm on retainer in the event of this very incident occurring.
Is it messed up that Bachelor in Paradise is resuming filming while one of the cast members is actively pursuing a lawsuit for potential sexual assault? For sure. Does that mean we’re going to boycott it? Absolutely fucking not. Corinne and her platinum vagine hold a special place in my heart for being the sole source of entertainment in Nick Viall’s entire dismal season and I hope she gets a fat payout and the justice she deserves. However, I’m definitely still going to tune in to watch Raven and Robby fall in love and see Russian Alex grind on some unsuspecting women. Not a spoiler, we all know he’s not winning Rachel’s heart.
Other than the inevitable appearance of the Whaboom and Alexis “Dolphin” Waters, what else can we expect from quite literally the most dramatic season of Bachelor in Paradise yet? We have a few ideas.
I’m praying for round two of Blake vs. the Whaboom. Unpopular opinion (but not really): I’m 100% Team Whaboom. You know Blake has a closet full of fedoras and has accused no less than 16 women in his life of friend-zoning him. The Whaboom is just reality TV trash, which is why we’re all watching this shit in the first place. Between a delusional wannabe actor with some questionable branding practices and a personal trainer/aspiring drummer who spent four solid minutes on national television talking about how great his dick is and insisted on questioning people’s motives during the very first cocktail party, I’ll take the former. Everyone knows that’s some week three material.
This is the way the world ends: not with a whimper, but with a Whaboom.
It’s already been announced that DeMario will be making his return, but what about Corinne? If she’s in the middle of a lawsuit against ABC, I don’t imagine they’d let her back into Paradise. But then again, I wouldn’t put it past them to exploit that for buzz. If Unreal has taught me anything, it’s that the executive producer of the Bachelor franchise will quite literally let someone die if it means a bump in ratings.
Speaking of exploitation, are we going to see the footage that started it all? Doubtful, but I can almost guarantee that we’ll get everything leading up to it, followed by a montage of concerned cast mates the next morning clamoring for the spotlight. Raven will say “oh my gawd” no less than 100 times throughout the course of the episode.
In general, you can expect the entire season to be a little darker than the paradise we’re accustomed to. Not even ABC has the balls to stroll back in and pretend like nothing happened. Corinne and Demario will be a theme throughout it all, which is sure to result in a bunch of tears from people who weren’t even remotely involved (I’m looking at you Raven).
DeMario will without a doubt suffer no less than three breakdowns throughout this journey to love. Like, he was already in deep shit after Girlfriend Gate 2017, can you imagine how the world would have reacted had he deprived us of Bachelor in Paradise? Anarchy. Of all these predictions, I’m the most confident that DeMario will hook up with Lace, who seems like the kind of girl to seek out troubled me so she can “fix” them. RIP #Grace.
We know for sure that Amanda, Vinny, Raven, Lace, Kristina and Astrid will all be returning post-scandal. Here’s your daily friendly reminder that if Amanda hadn’t been an idiot last season and chosen Josh over Nick, we all could have been spared an entire Bachelor era of wooly turtle necks and mind-numbingly dull conversation. She’s on our shit list.
Will Vinny recover from his heartbreaking departure last year? For sure, only to have Izzy show up four weeks in and fuck everything up. Remember how she left him out of the blue for a guy who wasn’t even interested in her? Fuck Izzy.
If Kristina and Alex don’t form the perfect Eastern European union, I will burn ABC to the ground. There has never been a greater need for some positive Russian news in America than in 2017. First of all, their children would be beautiful and probably all-star gymnasts. Can you imagine the sweet Russian nothings they would whisper to each other on a beachside cabana?? Let his mother soothe your childhood trauma with her fabulous kebabs, Kristina. It’s what the world wants.
Derek “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” Peth is possibly making an appearance in Paradise, and I would bet anything that he’s going to get into some shit with someone. Hopefully Chad, who is back in ABC’s good graces now that someone has surpassed his level of debauchery. We all know Derek is the sensitive one which leads me to believe he’ll immediately be drawn to Amanda. To be fair, every man is immediately drawn to Amanda, as she is a real life pixie with the voice of Thumbelina.
Of all the people we know to be arriving, Raven is the most likely to be engaged by the end of it. You know every guy in the franchise immediately got a boner at the thought of being the man to provide her with her first orgasm. I don’t care what anyone says, we all know Nick couldn’t do it.
Without a doubt, Carly and Evan will show up to get married and then condescendingly preach to everyone about the wonders of true love. Gag. Remember how Evan faked alcohol poisoning just so Carly would kiss him? Solid foundation for a happy marriage.
Will Chad return? Will the twins take a break from their shitty show to provide some much-needed comedic relief? Will Corinne make a brief appearance just to punch Taylor in the face and then leave? Most importantly, exactly how many gallons of mimosas will Chris Harrison consume over the course of these cursed six weeks? All this and more, this season on Bachelor in Paradise.