It’s the unofficial start to the summer: Memorial Day Weekend. That’s right, it’s the first vaguely patriotic drinking holiday of the season. But how should you spend this holiest of days? Should you chug Budweiser at a BBQ? Black out on cocktails on a rooftop? Sleep the whole weekend away? Hopefully not the third thing. Read below to see what the stars have in store for you
Idk what you had in mind for this holiday weekend, Aries, but here’s what the stars have in mind for you: sex. No joke. This weekend, you are getting some. More than some, you’re getting a ton. Why? Because Venus is just like, really happy to see you. Idk, don’t question the universe when it’s handing you three days of bliss. Be ready at all times, Aries, because you never know when the opportunity will present itself.
Despite our best efforts, sometimes we’re just hit with an overwhelming urge to become our best Martha Stewarts and start puttering around the house like it’s the 1950s and our abusive husbands are counting on it. This is your weekend for hosting, Taurus. Don’t fight it. Embrace it. There is literally no better time to show off your clean apartment and elite party planning skills than at a Memorial Day barbecue. This weekend, decorate your house, order cook a bunch of fun food, and let your friends know that you could, in fact, be ultimate wifey material if you spent the other 363 days of the year giving a fuck.
Happy Birthday, Gemini! We hope you celebrate in the appropriate fashion, meaning that you adopt an entire week as your own and spend the entire time drinking and wearing a crown while everyone treats you like a queen. You know, the typical birthday protocol. Who cares when your actual birthday is, try kicking off festivities this weekend. Make sure all activities center around you, preferably all while being planned and coordinated by someone else. I mean, that’s what friends are for, right?
Space is a good thing, Cancer. Both the NASA kind and the kind where you get people to leave you the fuck alone for once. Let’s focus on the latter, shall we? It’s cool that you have friends who value your opinion and actually want to spend time with you, but it’s also cool to tell them all to back off for a few days. This weekend, reconnect with yourself by connecting with absolutely no other living being other than the Postmates delivery person. Being in constant contact with people can get exhausting quick, and you’ve more than earned a two-day reprieve from the madness.
After months of waiting, Leo, it’s finally your turn. You have a tendency to put others’ needs before your own, and this is the weekend that that stops. For the next two days, it’s your time to shine, whine, dine, succeed, black out, or whatever it is that you’ve been holding yourself back from doing. Do not let anyone get in your way, at any cost. Now is a better time than ever to learn how to assert yourself.
You have been on a roll this week, Virgo, as far as getting your life together is concerned. It’s honestly inspiring, so much so that we’re going to urge you to keep going. That’s right, today is the day that we here at Betches are actually pro-working. Write it in the history books. But really, there’s no sense in stopping the momentum you have going right now. Is your life literally clean? Cool, now get to the metaphorical side. Get rid of any shitty people that are adding clutter to your lifestyle. Try repairing any relationships that may have fallen by the wayside while you were lamenting throughout winter. Whatever you do, make sure it’s something that makes you feel like a better person.
Time to fucking party, Libra. You’ve done it. You crossed the finish line and the only item on your to-do list is “go wild.” Take these next two days (or three…or four…it’s a holiday after all) to be your best, drunkest self, the way the founders of Memorial Day intended. Hangovers are not a concern now that you’ve accomplished what you set out to do. Relish in the oncoming sense of death you’ll be suffering on Tuesday. You earned it.
There are reunions in your future this weekend, Scorpio. Many of them. It’s kind of inevitable on big party weekends like this. Some will be enjoyable but more likely, most will be excruciatingly painful in only the way running into people from your past can be. Our advice? Drink your way through it. For the next two days, let vodka take the wheel and just follow wherever it leads you. Potential effects of this strategy could be starting a 10-year feud with a relative or having drunk sex with some guy you went to high school with in the bathroom of your local bar, but otherwise the plan is foolproof.
Holiday weekends with seemingly endless amounts of alcohol can get you thinking about things you may have been avoiding. Somewhere around that fourth glass of sangria after a couple hours in the sun, texting an ex or formerly ghosted guy can start to seem like a really good idea. Bottom line: it’s not. It will never be a good idea. That doesn’t mean drunk you won’t do it, just that sober you will be pissed the next day. If you are dead set on sabotaging yourself this weekend, make sure you at least look good while you’re doing it. This means makeup goes on before day drinking starts. We’ve all been drunk as shit at 7:00 trying to get ready for a night out, and we’ve all seen the pictures that resulted from it. The weekend already sounds like it’s going to be an experiment in embarrassing yourself, so do yourself whatever little favors you can.
As much as it pains us to say it, this weekend is not about you. Let that settle in before we move on. For the next two days, you’re playing a supporting role in someone else’s story, and your job is to be supportive and constantly stocked with airplane sized vodka bottles. It’s not the easiest part to play, but someone has to do it. Come Tuesday you can go back to being your self-centered self the way God intended. But until then, try and be the good friend that we all know you can be.
Listen closely, Aquarius. Really focus here. Despite the way you’ve acted for your literal entire life, this weekend you’re going to have to shut down the dramatics for at least three days. We know, it’s hard. Any other time, your wild antics and ridiculous stories are general crowd pleasers. But this weekend? Tone it down. There is bigger shit going on than your non-stop internal stand-up comedy and the sooner you recognize that, the easier shit will be for you. Just drink some wine, sit back, and let someone else have the spotlight for once. You can do it, we have faith.
This weekend isn’t going to be much of a holiday for you, Pisces. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you and I both know that there is some fairly important shit that you’ve been putting off for far too long now. Our advice? Spend the next three days doing that shit. Sure, you’ll miss out on a BBQ or two, but nothing will compare to the total and complete contentment you’ll feel come Tuesday when you realize that you are finally carefree. Or, at least, as carefree as a millennial can be in 2017. If you hurry up and get your shit together, maybe you can squeeze one night of debauchery into this weekend. No pressure, but get it together.