Whatever You're Unsure About, Just F*cking Do It: Your Weekend Horoscopes May 12-14th

Another week has come and gone, and if you’re anything like me, your promises to get your life together have gone unfulfilled. Don’t worry, you’ll totally get ’em next week. This weekend you’ll totally start making a budget and grocery shopping and doing other adult things…right? Well, maybe not. See what the stars have in store for you this weekend. After all, it’s not your fault you spent the whole weekend partying when you should have been studying—your horoscope made you do it.


Sorry to be a dick, Aries, but it’s time to make a decision for once in your goddamn life. Honestly, at this point no one cares what the decision even is. Short of you murdering someone, everyone is just gonna be psyched that you finally made a move on something. So take the next two days to figure your shit out and then…wait for it…just fucking do it. Wild concept. Not sponsored by Nike.

When You Kinda Wanna Do It But Not Really

Get your When You Kinda Wanna Just Do It But Not Really tank here!


Transitioning into spring has been rough for you, Taurus. I know this seems like a weird sentiment, but it’s more of an emotional state rather than a conscious one. News flash: change is hard. Whether or not you recognize that, it’s going to fuck with you. The best advice we have is to let this tumultuous time run its course, and pick up the pieces afterwards. It’ll be messy, but you’ll need it in the long run.


Yikes Gemini. It’s either a sunny or rainy day in your area…and no one knows because you can’t make up your goddamn mind. This weekend, do everyone a favor and just fucking decide on something. Anything. Literally one thing. Like, you could pick a restaurant and your friends would be ecstatic. Take the next few days to make a statement and see how the world responds. You never know, it might work out for you.

What Do You Want


Holy shit, Cancer. It has been a fucking week. And while it may have been a general shit show all around, there’s one thing we know for certain: You came out on top. Feelings are the worst and it’s even harder to try and level with people, but you did it. Treat yourself this weekend by avoiding any possible uncomfortable interactions. That’s a very broad description, so here’s some advice: stay home and don’t leave the safety of your bed. Like sure, happy hour sounds nice, but not as nice as attempting to avoid a 45 minute conversation with someone you hate.


You’re about to pack a whole lot into two days, Leo. This is going to be two straight days of big changes, and you know what’s the best part? You’re not afraid of them. Continue embracing the weird and seeing where it takes you. We promise it’ll be somewhere way more exciting than whatever you had planned.


Feelings can get the best of us sometimes, Virgo. To be clear, by “us” I mean you, and by “sometimes” I mean far too fucking often. In case you weren’t aware, sweet summer child, most people don’t want to deal with your emotional shit. Wild, right? It’s almost like they have their own problems. This weekend, work on recognizing what your issues are, and what aren’t. Hint: it’s all yours, and now it’s time to deal with it.


You’ve been hiding shit from your friends recently, Libra. This wouldn’t be an issue if you were literally anyone else, but you happen to be a terrifically bad liar, and you’re going to suffer for it. Sometimes, coming to terms with the truth is the  best route. Other times, lying through your teeth is the only way to survive. If you’re going with the latter, please work on your poker face. I promise, you’ll need it.



There comes a day, once every 60 years, where it’s time to put yourself first. Guess what, Scorpio? That day falls on this weekend, which means nothing but the utmost relaxation for you. I don’t know or care what that entails, as long as you’re not dealing with idiots. Honestly, please rest and rebuild your strength. You’ll need it someday soon.


I know this is wild to hear, Sagittarius, but I’m about to drop some knowledge on you. Ready? Your job is not the end of the goddamn world. Short of you being a doctor, there is no reason to be as stressed as you are. Honestly. Take this weekend to sort out your priorities and, for the love of god, find your work at the bottom of them. Or start researching signs of an early stroke. Your call.



There’s nothing like a day of unadulterated freedom, Capricorn. Don’t trust me? Well then, it sounds like it’s about time you’ve had one. The only people who don’t appreciate a nice vacation are the ones who don’t take them. To prevent falling down that course, turn this weekend into a mini-getaway, even if that means a mixing margaritas in your magic bullet. Celebrating is celebrating, no matter the occasion or janky-ness of the drinks.


It’s time to stop living by other people’s rules, Aquarius. I know you like to think you’re a free spirit who follows the beat of their own drum, but it’s hard to believe that when your family is constantly beating down on you. This weekend (and hopefully every one after) you’re going to ignore them, even if it’s just for a day. You is kind, you is smart, and you is capable of making your own decision. Nolites bastardes carborundorum, bitches.

You Is Smart


You may not believe this, Pisces, but you have an effect on people around you. And not even the shitty kind. Whether you know it or not, you’re exceptionally good at boosting people up, whether they be coworkers, superiors, or random strangers. It’s a gift, so please don’t waste it. More importantly, don’t brush it off when people try to thank you. You’ve made a real impression on them, so let them return the favor.