In light of the very real possibility that we’re all going to die in a nuclear blast literally any day now, this weekend’s horoscopes are all #YOLO themed. You know things are bad when we’re breaking out obnoxious sayings from 2014. Hopefully the North Koreans get to us before “on fleek” makes a comeback.
You know that guy who’s like, a friend of a friend of a friend of a coworker that you shamelessly stalk on Instagram? The one you see at a bar and then immediately sprint to the bathroom even though he has no idea who you are and risks no chance of recognizing you? You’re gonna fuck that guy this weekend. Or girl. It’s 2017. You have nothing to fear other than the fact that you might not be in the immediate blast zone and have to live with the ramifications of nuclear war. Compared to that, picking up a guy in a bar is nothing. Check every story, every location, any place you could possibly discover their location and go there. An office? That could be hot. Their home? Cuts out all the middle work. Go get em, tiger.
You’ve been internalizing a lot of shit these past few months, Taurus. It’s understandable—expressing any kind of emotion is generally the worst and you’re not one to rock the boat. No more. This weekend, let it all loose. Your blood pressure and impending ulcer will thank you. Call your mom. Call your friends. Call your roommate from freshman year of college who blatantly lied to your face about stealing your skirt when you SAW her wearing it in the grubby basement of some frat. Let everyone know that you may have temporarily forgiven them, but you didn’t fucking forget. After that, take a long, restful nap that only comes from cleansing your soul. Will you have friends when you wake up? Who knows, and also, who cares. Just less people to check in on when that first mushroom cloud appears.
You know that drastic change to your appearance that you’ve been contemplating since you were 21 years old but were never bold enough to follow through on? Maybe it’s a crazy hair color, or a new piercing, or a tattoo that you’ll regret in approximately two months. You always kind of consider if after a breakup or a hard week but then shrug it off and move on with your life like the rational person you are. Well this weekend, you’re going for it. No questions, no regrets, no looking back. We’re all going to look like shit when radiation melts our skin off, so take advantage of your natural beauty while you still can. Throw in a couple shameless ‘grams while you’re at it. There are no rules anymore!
You hate your job, Cancer. You know it. Your coworkers know it. Your neighbors know it because your walls are thin because you can’t afford a nicer place to live because your shitty job won’t pay you enough. It’s a cycle. So this weekend, you’re going to quit. Live out the last of your life in luxury by spending that meager savings you’ve been trying to build. You know what the world won’t care about when the entire West Coast of the United States is on fire? Advertising. Did I just assume that you work in advertising? Yeah. You’re a Cancer and you read this website. So drop off that letter of resignation on your way out Friday and spend the weekend celebrating your newfound freedom. It’ll be short-lived, but so will the rest of us.
In case you didn’t get the memo from last weekend’s horoscopes, Leo, it’s time to cut shitty people out of your life. You’re already dealing with a shitty government, environment, and general outlook on life. Your relationships shouldn’t be adding to that mess. If there’s someone in your life who does nothing but detract from your happiness, this is the weekend to cut them out. Don’t let things like tears or pleas for forgiveness deter you. You’re a hard-ass bitch in this new Mad Max life we’re living in. Would Charlize Theron put up with it? That’s the single question that should guide your life from this point out. You deserve the most happiness you can muster before we all inevitably go up in flames, and don’t let anyone stop you from getting it.
You’ve been waiting for a signal, Virgo. With all the authority vested in me by Betches LLC and that one book I read on astrology three years ago, this is your signal. Pack your bags, give your notices, and get the fuck out of town. Pros: you’re finally leaving your cage, you get to experience new things, and you’ll be (hopefully) moving away from the impending war zone. Cons: literally none. Tell your friends and family that you need some time to “find yourself” or whatever Eat, Pray Love bullshit you can come up with, and then hop on the first plane out of this forsaken country. You probably won’t even have to get souvenirs for anyone, because we’ll likely all be dead when you get back.
You have a choice to make this weekend, Libra. You’re at a crossroads, and no amount of advice from friends or ill-sought guidance is going to get you through it. This is a decision that you have to make yourself, unfortunately. Most people with your best interest at heart would tell you to go with your gut or the option that makes you feel safest or some other canned fortune cookie response. I am not one of those people. I am suggesting that you make the decision that causes the biggest splash, the one that overhauls your life as much as humanly possible. Change sucks but there’s no reason to avoid it anymore, because everything is going to change whether we like it or not. Missiles are flying everywhere. The president is tweeting threats like he’s a 13-year-old who just discovered the internet. Nothing is sacred. So make a move and make it big, because it’s probably one of the last ones you’ll ever get to make.
You’re not stranger to a tumultuous lifestyle, Scorpio. I’m having a hard time telling you the best way to fuck your life up because you have no problem doing that yourself. So in this weekend of all out, balls to the wall impulsivity, my only advice is that you follow your heart. It’s never lead you to safety before and it’s not likely to start now. Whatever your gut reaction is to any given situation, that’s how you should react. Have the sudden urge to punch someone or dismantle a display in a store or run a red light? Do it. For the next two days you are Mayhem from the Allstate commercials. Make the most of it.
You lead a tight-laced life, Sagittarius. You never make rash decisions. You consider every option before pursuing something. It takes your 45 minutes to order food at a restaurant. And you know what? That used to be fine. You were raised as the product of your environment, an environment that was safe and nurturing and not on fire. Sadly, this is no longer the case. This weekend, usher in the next era of your life by being as impulsive as possibly. For the first time in your life, you will not rationalize your decisions. You will just make them with abandon. It will be terrifying and liberating and possibly destructive but it’s okay because we’re all on the brink of death. Get out there and get wild.
In these harrowing times, Capricorn, it’s time to start putting yourself first. You know who never makes it through apocalypse movies? The loyal sidekick. They’ll make it to the end only to sacrifice themselves in the name of friendship or some bullshit like that. You’re better than that. If you’re going down, it’s going to be in a blaze of glory. This weekend, assert yourself as the leader of your pack. This move is bound to cause tension because you’re probably the faithful best friend to a narcissist who never thought you’d have the balls to defy them. Prove them, and everyone else, wrong. Become the leader and live through the end of the movie. Or the next week. Kind of the same thing at this point.
Let’s not mince words here, Aquarius. You’ve always thought you were better than everyone, but were either too polite or shy to say it. There is no place in the year 2017 for social graces or meager people. This weekend, let everyone know that you’re better them by saying it to them. Preferably as close as you can get to their face without actually kissing them. Or, you know what? Tell them you’re a superior being and then kiss them. What a power move. Are you going to lose friends over this? Likely every single one. It’s okay, because there’s no room for friendships in 2017 either. It’s you vs. the world vs. Donald Trump vs. North Korea. Never forget who comes first.
You’ve been harboring some feelings for someone that you probably shouldn’t have feelings for, right Pisces? Maybe it’s a friend’s boyfriend or a coworker or a super-hot queen of dragons who is technically your aunt but it’s not like you’re aware of that yet so everyone just shut the fuck up about it?? Whatever the messy scenario, this weekend you are tackling it. Life is too short for unrequited love. It’s time to put yourself out there, consequences be damned. If it’s meant to be, then you are the main character in this story and everyone will forgive you anyways because LOVE and DESTINY. If not, well at least you tried and honestly incest is a gray area anyway, right?