Why Everyone Is Freaking TF Out Over Alabama

Guess what, guys? For the first time in 2017, we’re here to report GOOD news about something POLITICAL. Unheard of, right? Well buckle up, because 2018 is coming and it might not be the apocalyptic wasteland we were all fearing.

Last night, in a move that many hoped for but few thought possible, Alabama elected a democratic senator for the first time in twenty-five years. Doug Jones will be filling the seat vacated by Jeff Sessions instead of Roy Moore, a man who (allegedly) dates fourteen-year-old girls and still secured the endorsement of the RNC and President of the United States.



Alabama. A democrat. Can you believe it? Sure, all it took was for the Republican option to be an openly anti-Semitic, racist, child-predator, but let’s just take a win where we can get one, okay? I think we all have to become Alabama football fans now, but honestly that’s a trade I’m willing to make to keep child molesters out of the Senate. Roll Tide.

Who Do We Have To Thank For Roy Moore Taking An L?

Black people, who showed up to the polls and saved America’s ass yet again, despite attempts by Republicans to deter them. Black women in particular deserve your thanks today, as 97% of them voted for Jones, as opposed to the 63% of white women who voted for Moore. @white ladies, let’s do better, yeah?



This is an especially large blow for Trump and his greasy puppeteer Steve Bannon, who were counting on Moore’s vote in the Senate to pass atrocious legislature like the GOP tax reform. But now with the GOP majority down to just one vote, some are viewing this as a turning point, a beacon of what’s to come in the mid-term elections next year. If Alabama can elect a Democrat, literally anything can happen.

What is this unfamiliar feeling in my chest? Is it…hope? Will it last? Will I drown it in wine the next time the President tweets? Only time will tell.


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