Your Weekend Horoscopes May 19-21: Black Out All Weekend & Blame It On Your Sign

The weather is finally heating up this weekend, which could mean fun things like day drinking outside, tanning, and pretending to go swimming while actually just working on your tan some more. Or, it could mean less pleasant things such as sweating like a grease monkey and standing at the infernal subway platform for 20 minutes while your makeup melts off your face because the fucking MTA can’t get their shit together and likes stranding the entire commuting population of Queens for sport *shakes fist* Oh sorry, was that just me? K. Well while the stars can’t predict how public transportation will decide to purposefully ruin your life, they can predict when you should take a vacation, how to deal with people who annoy you (non-MTA workers), that sort of thing. So read on for your weekend horoscopes while I pop a Xanax and deal with my anger issues.


It’s time for some real talk, Aries. There comes a time in every betch’s life where we must learn to manage being on our own. It’s not an overnight thing, but it’s definitely something you should have figured out by now. Friends are great, and obviously you should be spending time with them, but it’s time to recognize the line between “hanging out” and “requiring my friends to accompany me in the most menial of tasks.” You’re leaning significantly towards the latter, and your friends are starting to notice. This weekend, try asserting your independence by running all of your errands solo. Hell, go get a meal by yourself. Just wait, you may end up loving your newfound independence. 


Listen up, Taurus. It’s time to make a change. You are so clearly unhappy in your current situation and it case it wasn’t clear enough, you have no problem letting everyone know. Yeah, shit is unfair and life is awful, but the only person who can do anything about it is you. This weekend, start taking the steps towards a life that doesn’t make you want to die on a daily basis. Your friends and family are behind you 100%, mostly because they don’t want to listen to you bitch for the rest of their lives. Get out there and makes moves, Taurus. Win or lose, at least you actually did something.

Don't Let Your Dreams Be Dreams


You’re a good friend, you know that, Gemini? Sure, the rest of the world may consider you the two faced snake of astrology, but those with Geminis in their lives know the truth: You’re ride or die, and your friends appreciate it more than you know. This weekend, revel in that with some pure, unadulterated girl time. Saturday is for talking shit on the boys who think Saturday is for the boys. Sunday is for a good old fashioned basic drunk brunch. Don’t let anyone rain on your parade this weekend. But even if they do, it won’t matter, because you’ll be having more fun than any of them.


This is the weekend you reclaim your space, Cancer. You’ve spent the last couple weeks budging on things, making room for people who don’t deserve it. While that kind of leniency can be generous from time to time, right now it’s just toxic and detrimental to your happiness. You got to cut it. Spend the next two days taking back what is yours, either literally or metaphorically. Don’t let anyone stand in the way of what you want and need. Come Sunday, you’ll be feeling tired but content, which coincidentally is the perfect mindset for napping all day. Don’t fight it.

Take What Is Mine


Life is all about moderation, Leo. LOL JK. This isn’t fucking Women’s Health. This weekend, it’s time for you to consume anything and everything you like. Whatever your vice is, you have a two-day pass to just drown in it. Please don’t, like, literally drown in heroin and then send the police to our offices. But also feel free to let your freak flag fly a bit. Life is short and stressful and America is crumbling so maybe it’s time to see how many mojitos you can drink in one day. If anyone questions your three-day hangover at work next week, just open up the front page of the Washington Post and let them come to their own conclusions.


As I’m sure you noticed lately, Virgo, America is burning. It’s rough, but the worst part is the constant influx of news from every corner of social media. Life is overwhelming enough without waking up to 16 notifications about the UK laughing at Trump and Anthony Weiner going to jail. This weekend, do yourself a favor and just turn everything off. Go off the grid. See how it feels to have no ties to your digital life, even if it’s just for 24 hours. You’ll either come back relaxed and with a new perspective on social media, or outrageously anxious about the amount of Instagrams you have to scroll through to catch up. Either way, at least you’ll know prove every Baby Boomer you know wrong by detaching yourself from your phone for longer than a minute. Don’t budge on the avocado toast, though. None of us are going to live long enough to buy houses anyway.

I'm Not Following You


You are kicking ass rn, Libra. It is truly inspiring, albeit slightly obnoxious. After months of hard work, you’re inches from the finish line. While it would be easy to let loose now, wait it out. Fucking up your lifelong work two days before it’s complete is a quarter-life crisis move, but you’re better than that. This weekend, take some time to prep for your final stretch, and then a little more time to plan your celebrations for afterwards. Drowning your responsibilities in vodka will be so much more fun once you’ve actually accomplished them.


You’ve got a big week coming up, Scorpio. As every planning betch knows, shit can get incredibly stressful the week of an event. But fear not, we have some sage advice. First and foremost, stay focused and keep your head on straight. There will inevitably be 100 obstacles that pop up in the next few days, but you’re more than capable of navigating them. But when serenity fails, Plan B is foolproof: Xanax. There’s no kind of calm like a medicated calm, and if you don’t believe me ask literally any housewife ever. Steady planning and an even steadier supply of downers will get you to your finish line no problem. Just make sure you actually look alive and alert the day of.



Guess what, Sagittarius? This is a weekend for abandoning responsibility. I realize this sounds much like every other weekend of your life, but this weekend the stars are demanding it so who are you to argue, really? The sun is out. Life is only partially miserable. Trump will probably be golfing for the next few days. It’s the perfect time to get out and let loose. Start by leaving work at 2:00 today for a jump start on happy hour. It’s cool, I called your boss and she’s game. Don’t stop until your body physically can’t go on any longer, and then wake up tomorrow and do it again.


Next weekend is a time of reunions, Capricorn, which means this weekend is a time of chilling the fuck out. Seeing old friends can be exhausting, so do whatever you have to do this weekend to make sure you’re fully charged for the debacle. If this means sleeping the entire time, we salute you. If you’re one of those people who exercises to get Zen, I will not salute you but still support your choices. However you choose to spend the next two days is your call, just make sure it’s as relaxing as possible. You’ll need it, trust us.



We have one word for you, Aquarius: chill. You’ve been non-stop for the past few weeks, and your friends are honestly starting to get concerned. Is it because you’re more active now than they’ve ever seen you be in your many years of friendship? Probably, but the ever-present manic look in your eyes isn’t helping matters. Try to use the next two days to calm the fuck down and center yourself. Yoga, weed, six bottles of wine—whatever it takes, do it. You can return to crazy eyes next week, but try and just relax until then. For the love of God, please.


This is a weekend for getting back to basics, Pisces. We know it’s hard being as social as you are, but you’ve been neglecting some people in your life who really deserve your attention. We’re talking your day ones here. Try and make the next two days a marathon of good old fashioned friendship with the people who knew you before you figured out how to exercise and do your hair. They miss you, and whether or not you realize it, you miss them, too. Sometimes it can be nice to kick back without any pretense, so maybe try it out and see how it feels. Your social circle can last without you for one weekend, we promise.

Down Ass Bitch

Read: Where To Meet A Guy With A Real Job This Weekend