The
Head
Pro

Head Pro is still around, he just doesn't care about you.

You absolutely do not have to worry about Head Pro trying to kiss you the next morning.

Head Pro is definitely way too old to go to your prom, which is cool, he totally didn’t want to go anyway because he’s actually going to this really chill college party.

One thing's for sure, it's hard being a conservative in America.

April 17 is officially the worst day of 2018.

I won't lie, shopping for men is fucking hard.

I don't live in New York, because I value things like open space and affordable rent (I live in D.C.

Dear Head Pro, So here's the thing.

Ok, so if you’ve ever fallen into the black hole that is internet makeup tutorials (aka all of us), then you’ve probably been exposed to the endless makeup brushes that those 15-year-old YouTube stars use.

I've never taken a selfie.

Head Pro will only flirt with your friends in private, like the extremely women-respecting gentleman that he is.

Girls, the time for Netflix and chill hibernation is slowly creeping to an end, so we might as well see what's coming to Netflix in March.

Head Pro's private parts are clean as a whistle.

As a gym-goer (you cannot visit this site without being a member of a gym that costs almost as much as your monthly rent), you're surely aware of the CrossFit-ization of our once-great nation's fitness fanatics. This is largely bad, because it's caused many a dork to delude himself into thinking that exercise is a sport in and of itself, despite their newfound quadriceps making them no better at hitting a baseball or sinking a free throw than they were back when they were getting picked last for grade school kickball.

Thousands of miles above the Earth's surface, a satellite flickers.

Years ago, I started soliciting story submissions for a feature called Hookup Fookups, where readers shared their funniest, most outrageous hookup failures.

Great news, fellow Americans!

Oh, ladies.

A very popular practice among old people and conservative brown-nosers is to feign concern over the way we celebrate holidays.

Head Pro would love to be your friend, and would never ask you to go to New Jersey.

2018 got here not a moment too soon.

Head Pro knows better than to even pretend to text you after a one-nighter, because he respects you too much.

Head Pro wishes you much good tidings, cheer, and toe-curling orgasms as the holidays approach.

Head Pro will gladly accept your gifts, even if they're shitty.

Head Pro would love to watch Love Actually with you.

Head Pro would gladly accept any of these items.

Head Pro will watch the VS Fashion Show this year, just like every year, because he's a sucker.

Head Pro thinks that both Nazis and Taylor Swift are bad, and he's brave enough to stand up and say so—exactly the kind of bold leadership we need in these troubled times.

Head Pro pretends to not like Halloween, but he's really just bad at coming up with costumes.

Head Pro is able to separate the artist from her music and thinks Taylor Swift's songs are mostly fine.

Head Pro Loves Sex And The City and is definitely a Samantha.

Head Pro offers advice on life, love and really anything because he likes to hear himself talk.

Head Pro is happy to talk to you about baseball, or butts, but he's had enough baseball butts.

Head Pro will pretend to date you long distance, if you want.

Head Pro also loves curvy women, but he doesn't talk about it so that makes him a cool feminist or whatever.

Email your questions about living, loving and fucking to Head Pro at [email protected].

Head Pro would love to take you out for tacos, or at least to a place that sells tacos along with booze.

As an Officially Woke Bae (and also, as not a giant idiot), I am fully aware that most of the things women do in terms of how they present themselves is for other women, not men.

With summer fling season approaching, there are fewer thoughts more romantic than those of what material goods you'll purchase for the person you're fucking.

Head Pro sincerely holds the belief that a marriage is only valid if it's between him and an open bar.

In the late 90s and early 2000s, the Jonas Brothers achieved shocking levels of fame via two means: mediocre-but-catchy pop bangers implicitly about sex, and explicitly not talking about sex in public.

Head Pro is happy to answer all your questions about life, love and condoms, if he doesn't throw his computer into the ocean first.

Head Pro loves to dispense (bad) fashion advice, whether you ask him to or not.

Head Pro will entertain your conspiracy theories via email at [email protected] Let's take a walk back through history, friends.

Head Pro texts his exes but it's totally platonic and it's kind of unfeminist of you to think that men and women can't be platonic friends.

The Oscars were last night, but because I have good taste and value my time I instead elected to go see John Wick Chapter 2 before drinking beer and watching a shitload of HGTV.  So imagine my non-surprise to wake up and find out that the auspicious event was marred by SCANDAL.

Head Pro's favorite things are pizza, dreaming about sex with Shay Mitchell, and when you email him at [email protected].

As the world continues to crumble around us, it's important for us to take solace in what few reminders of happiness remain: Beyoncé, a fertile woman, is with child(ren).

Send Head Pro your questions about life, love and yoga pants at [email protected].

Because life is essentially a cornucopia of objects we contemplate sticking into our holes, Gwyneth Paltrow's latest wackadoo vagina treatment is...